Call Me Ishmail (Webster In The Swimming Pool)

So this afternoon it was pretty hot, so I decided to hit the pool at the apartment complex. Things were going pretty well, I managed to get some of the co-eds and a hot MILF that live in the complex to get into a spirited game of water volleyball.

In the midst of all of this bouncing juggy goodness, I heard a familiar "KAWHEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeze PA" and I turned to see Webster rolling his way towards the pool.

I figured Webster was just gonna hang out and sun his lard by the pool, much like a Walrus or Seal so I turned back to the game. After all Webster is deathly afraid of water ever since the infamous Slip N Slide incident. And no I am not talking about the 6 months I heard he spent at Neverland Ranch with Michael Jackson. Check the previous post title The Slip N Slide incident to get the scoop on that.

Suddenly one of the girls started laughing, I thought for a moment she must surely be remembering one of my hard hitting rants, and she then pointed at something.

I turned and was horrifed. Webster was in swim trunks and was taking his shirt off. As I fought the urge to vomit, I turned to see the majority of the girls laughing, but also looking like they were getting ready to leave the pool.

I had to think quick, or else this bevy of big chested beauties were going to leave.

"Webster, what in the blue hell do you think you're doing?" I asked.

"I wanna go for a swim" Webster wheezed.

"Webster, put your shirt back on, you're making all the girls jealous that your titties are bigger than theirs." I replied

At that point Webster started crying, but then he saw the ice cream man and smiled as he ran towards the truck. This completely ruined my day, Webster isn't supposed to be happy.

I'll show that little bastard who's boss.

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So You're A Vampire? Well Then Say Hello To My Stake

So this broad claims she is a vampire, and apparently molested some girl.

Salinas (BCN) - A Salinas woman who claimed she was a vampire was sentenced Wednesday to six months in county jail for molesting a family friend, according to Monterey County Deputy District Attorney Gary Thelander.

Erin Shatraw, 18, was convicted on March 5 of one misdemeanor count of child molestation.

A jury found she was not guilty of felony sexual assault.

Shatraw apparently claimed to be a vampire, telling the 14-year-old female victim that she would cast a spell on the girl and her family if she didn't engage in sexual activity.

Thelander said the victim had testified that she noticed Shatraw dressing more and more in black, adding to her beliefs that the woman was a vampire.

The girl also testified that she did believe Shatraw could cast spells when the molestations occurred in July.

Shatraw was a friend of the girl's mother and had known the victim for more than a decade, according to Thelander.

Shatraw must now register as a sex offender.






Thats just fine (that she thinks she's a vampire, not the molestation) if this broad thinks shes a Vampire then the judge should issue an appropriate punishment for her.

What punishment would the honorable Judge Carnonymous issue for this woman? Prison time? Nope. Community service? Uh uh. Make her register as a sex offender? Wrong again. There's only one appropriate punishment for this broad.

A stake through the heart.

I am deadly serious, if you think and say you are a real vampire then you're admitting you are a blood sucking undead monster that prays upon mankind. This is some serious shit man, we need to get Wesley Snipes up in this bitch and tell him to go to town.

I can't freakin believe there are people who really think they are vampires. I was watching Sci Fi once and they had some 30 minute show on people who claim to be vampires. They would get their coven of vampires together at night, dress up like faggy Eurotrash, drink pigs blood, and take turns biting each other.

I wonder where these dorks actually find a safe place to gather? There's no way they could do it anywhere in public cuz they would get their asses kicked, that is if those that saw them could stop pissing their pants from laughing so hard.

Most likely in one of their parents basement. I bet their folks want to vomit every time they see their loser 36 year old son that works the night shift at Jack In The Box and spends the rest of the time acting like a fucking vampire in their basement.

I bet the dad cusses out little kids on Halloween if they ring their doorbell dressed up as vampires. He probably breaks into uncontrollable sobs every time he's at the grocery store and see Count Chocula cereal just cuz it reminds him of his son.

One thing I noticed though was the majority of these "vampires" were extremely overweight or underweight guys that looked like they had never been laid in their lives. I guess when you are so busy creating your vampire clans back story and coming up with vampire names like Gorgoth Haz Nirashu you don't have time to get laid. Although there were two semi-hot chicks in the coven as well that I wouldn't of minded staking personally.


Lords Of Darkness 

Whats even more amazing is the fact that this group of wannabe Bela Lugosi's had a ranking system. Thats right, these dorks actually had a head vampire and a vampire council and the ranks went down from there. I wonder what the guy at the bottom of the vampire social structure feels like knowing that even in this world of dorks he's still at the bottom?

He probably wants to off himself (most likely by going outside in the sunlight, which then makes him remember he really isn't a vampire which depresses him even more) when he realizes "fuck man, some guy named His Royal Darkness Lord Grishaz actually looks down on me"

I say that if these dorks go around saying they are vampires then someone should be able to legally wipe them out with no repercussions. I wonder how many of these "covens" are out there?

This may be an untapped business idea......I wonder if I can get some capital together and form the US's first active Vampire Hunting business. We would place ads in all the major newspapers and should be pretty busy wiping out fat losers like the people on Sci Fi, goth kids at raves that think they are the undead, and then maybe move on to people that dress aliens and speak Klingon.

Picture this......its about 4 in the morning in the middle of Twiddle Your Ballsack Iowa and Mr Johnson finally loses it. He's sick of his son living in his basement and acting like a vampire. If he has to listen to his son explain once more that he can't get a job cuz he would be vaporized in sunlight Mr Johnson is gonna hang himself.

He listens downstairs as euro-techno music blasts in his basement. He finally decides to pick up the phone and call the ad he saw in the paper last week. He calls me and my group of vampire hunters.

We show up and bust down the doors of the basement and come upon about ten men in their mid 30's and a few fat broads. We interrupt them doing the robot to The Safety Dance and playing Myst, Lord Grishnash (the loser son) screams at us that we are invading his dark territory and unless we leave our souls will be devoured by his minions of darkness.

I laugh heartily and take a swig of Jack and light up a cigar. Me and my team proceed downstairs and begin to tazer and stun gun these losers senseless as they run around screaming like little bitches. A few hiss at us and bare their $1.99 fangs, which then fall out of their mouths making them remember they aren't vampires just as they get 10,000 watts in their chest.

When they wake up they find themselves each in a coffin buried 6 feet deep. Attached to the liner of the coffin is a note and a flashlight. When they turn the flashlight on they see the note which says:

"Since you're a vampire I figured you would feel comfortable in a coffin. You have two options get a job and move out, or die bitch"

Either way the parents win. Their son/fat daughter joins the workforce, thus guranteeing everyone in Twiddle Your Ballsack Iowa will have someone to bag their groceries or serve their fries. If they want to keep thinking they're a vampire and stick in the coffin there's no need for an expensive burial.

Holy shit there's another $5,000,000 bidness idea I have just given away. My brilliance scares me, it really does.

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I Hate It When Celebrities Get Sick

Nothing pisses me off more than when a celebrity gets sick or has some type of affliction. Not because I care for them, but because all of a sudden they become an advocate for folks with that disease. Since they are celebrities they then call press conference after press conference, do the talk show circuit, and basically pimp out their disease until everyone else wants to vomit. But this sudden caring for the disease is complete and utter bullshit. Up until the point they caught that disease or got that affliction they didn't give two craps about it.

Take Christopher Reeve for instance. Hey I loved Superman as much as the next person (except for that lame ass one where he fought Sun Man or whatever the fuck his name was), but can you remember ONE instance of Christopher Reeve speaking out for those that are paralyzed, pre-accident? NO!

One failed horsejump later he is giving a speech at Congress saying if we spend a shitload of money we can cure paralysis. Look I'm sorry you got paralyzed man, I really am. And I am sure if I was in your boat I would want to be cured. But just because you can't get your dick up or even manage to walk up a flight of stairs doesn't give you the excuse to be a hypocritical asshole and suddenly demand that people care and give money to cure your affliction.

Man if I was Christopher Reeve, I wouldn't of bothered with trying to cure paralysis. I would of focused on something more reasonable and achievable, namely the annilation of all horses on the panic. I would of opened up concentration camps for every horse out there, bombed the Kentucky Derby, and opened up the worlds biggest glue factory on my front lawn.

Why can't some celebrity come down with a cool disease, like Proteus Syndrome, its better known as Elephant Mans disease. Its what made a limey guy by the name of Joseph Merrick become the legendary Elephant Man.

Man I would so freakin pay to see someone like that tool Carson Daly standing in front of Congress all gnarled up and talking about if the US spends a billion dollars we can cure this affliction that affects one out of ever 400 million people born. Then he would truly look like the selfish pricks that these sick celebrities are.


What a friggin tool 

Update/Edit: The Elephant Man did not have Neurofibromatosis, as several readers have pointed out. But it would still be awesome if Carson Daly got Elephant Man's Disease just because he sucks the big one. My apologies to those with neurofibromatosis that got so upset over a total of 13 words in this rant, it's appears one of the side affects is it makes many as pyschologically fragile/emotional as a 13 year old girl on her period.

I personally find it hilarious that since my site included 13 words dealing with Neurofibromatosis it is listed as "A Blog That Mentions NF" on a message board. That's hilarious.

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Webster Gets A Workout (The Webster Chronicles)

Just got back from lunch, I stopped by my apartment to get some nice Atkins friendly tuna salad. I decided to check my mail so I got it and started walking back to my apartment.

I got lunch and left my apartment, on the way out I grabbed a Sugar Free Dark Chocolate Bar. As I turned to go down the stairs I saw that Webster was coming up them and was like 90% on the way up, only a few more steps and he would be at the top of the stairs.

"Hey Webster" I said, "I have to get to work really fast, if you run back down to the bottom of the stairs so I can pass you I'll give you this chocolate bar".

Webster turned around (which took like 10 seconds) and rolled himself down in an amazingly fast amount of time. I walked down the stairs and proceeded to get into my car.

"Carnonymous, what about my chocolate" He asked, his eyes huge like a precious moments doll.

"Hahahahahahahaha, Webster you're fat you don't need any more chocolate. But I bet you learned an important lesson today didn't you? Never trust a man with a chocolate bar, just be lucky I'm not a pedophile who wants to kidnap you and have his way with your tubby ass."

I laughed as Webster started crying as he trudged his way up the stairs again.

What a great day.

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Bad Dudes Is The Sweetest Game EVER

Man oh man, they don't make video games like they used to. Now every "hit" game is a $5 Million budget epic with 2 hours of CGI cut scenes, celebrity voices, full orchestral scores, and music cd releases. I almost kind of long for the days of the NES and when games were about one thing, ass kicking non stop action.

The NES game Bad Dudes probably is the best example of this era. You don't have a 20 minute opening movie, voices done by Hollywood actors, or any of that bullshit. What you had was this for an opening setup.

THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS.

ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT?

What follows is 7 Stages of non stop ass kicking fun. In 99% of todays games you can spend hours designing your character. "Hmmm will I be a dark elf with blonde hair, a scar on my left cheek, +5 Strength belt of Hercules, and a tribal tatoo on my left bicep" you ask yourself as you enter hour 3 of character creation.

Well in Bad Dudes you had a pretty goddamn crucial question to ask yourself when it came to your character.

"Will I be the Bad Dude in a black tank top and green pants, or will I be the Bad Dude in a black tank top and white pants?"

After making this choice you hit the mean streets armed with an arsenal of moves such as:

-Punch
-Kick
-Jump Kick
-Low Kick

And proceed to take on approximately 1,728,420 enemies over the course of the game. Games like Halo give you tons of different enemy species/races to fight. In Bad Dudes here's the lineup of enemies you have to fight:

-Black Ninja
-Purple Ninja
-Red Ninja
-White Ninja

Ain't no Covenant Brutes and their 18 different species of cronies to fight here here bitch. Besides Red Ninja could of kicked the shit out of Master Chief and The Arbitor at the same time if he wanted, this guy was bad ass HE WAS A RED NINJA FOR CHRISTS SAKE.

When you finally defeat the Dragon Clan Ninja Boss during an epic showdown on top of a helicopter you get to save the President. The President then offers to take you out for burgers.

Don't tell me that ending isn't better than Halo 2's.

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Metrosexualism (Or Real Men Don't Take Facials)

I seriously can't understand this whole freakin metrosexual faze that is going on in the country right now. With the rise of shows like Queer Eye, other man improvement shows, magazines, and alot of mass media portraying this "new kind of man" I am pretty weirded out.

It seems to be a metrosexual you:

- Get your hair done at "Salons" this can also include getting highlights
- Wear "interesting" clothes: A metrosexual man can apparently spend up to hours picking out the right outfit for a night on the town.
- Prefer Mixed Drinks Or Special Imported Beer instead of whiskey and a Coors
- Use Hair "Product"
- Use Skin Conditioning Products

Among alot of other crap. I just find this unfreakinbelieveable. It seems that basically we are supposed to be chicks with dicks. The last time I checked that was a weird fetish section of the internet, not everyday life.

As far as skin conditiong products, I don't want to generalize but I will put money down that if a guy is willing to do one kind of facial he's probably willing to take the other kind as well.

Do women really want some guy that is so self absorbed that he is basically like another chick? I refuse to believe that. Women want us to be there to fix the plumbing, do house projects, build decks and crap like that. The guy friends they have with them that talk about facial products, latest hair styles, and wallpaper are their GAY friends.

Be a man guys, don't be a woman. If you want to be gay fine, but be like Rock Hudson gay. That dude was a real man, yeah I know he liked dong but I would rather hang out with him drinking a beer than these metrosexual guys yapping about some Kiwi Cucumber Skin Cream.

Trust me, I know that you think if become a metrosexual the ladies will like you more. But while your yapping away or looking for just the perfect haircut, outfit, or whatever they will eventually sneak off for some boning with a guy that uses Gillette Razors and gets his hair cut for $10.

Actually nevermind, keep being metrosexuals the rest of us will handle the mans work.

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Angryface Central Hits Puberty

As you can see, your favorite website has gone through some changes lately. I closed down my other website (Car Sales Confessions) and imported those stories to this website.

I work as a salesperson at a car lot in Austin Tx, and due to the nature of my job I am able to meet countless.....interesting people. All of these stories are 100% true, granted there are some small exaggeratiosn for comedic effect, but they are all true. All the old stories have been transferred over here, and plenty more will come.

Secondly the sites name has changed, from The Most Hard Hitting Thought Provoking Blog EVER to Angryface Central: Brilliance Defined. While this website is certainly still the most hard hitting thought provoking site out there, I really decided (upon scanning the "blogosphere", god I want to vomit at that word) that I really don't want to be associated with these crap blogs, even by name.

So from now on your favorite website is going to be called "Angryface Central: Brilliance Defined". It's succent and to the point.

I am actually kind of amazed at the pace that this site has grown. In barely 6 weeks of existence I have seen my readership go from a few hits a day to almost 150-200 a day. Alot of that I can thank YOU for doing so. I have actually found five websites (all doing a google search for myself) that have, without my prior knowledge, heaped praise on this site. This of course feeds my already substantial ego.

I have one favor to ask of you, my readers. If you like this website, help me get the word out. Send links to your friends, post about it on message boards, send smoke signals. Whatever, just help get the word out. It's not everyday you can have a genius be grateful towards you. If/when I ever make it into screenwriting/acting I will be sure to remember you as I drive about town in my Mercedes, the new bad boy of Hollywood. When I am on Access Hollywood due to my backstage brawl with Asian Wiggle, Bea Arthur, and Mini Me at the Nickelodean Kids Choice Awards I will thank you for getting me there.

Finally I am sure you have noticed a new look to Angryface Central. While I would like to say it is thanks all to my own brilliance, I have to farm the credit out this time. Hella big ups to Mr. Dave Gerardi of Maximum Awesome
for providing the code and helping out with my new three column look. I highly recommend checking out Maximum Awesome, and especially "The War On The Floor". Plus be sure to support Dave in his bid to become the next Pope.

Stay tuned folks cuz there's plenty more brilliant rants, car sales confessions, and Webster stories coming your way.

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The Slip N Slide Incident (Webster Hurts Himself)

Holy freakin crap, I am still laughing about this and it happened yesterday. This will soon be known as the infamous Slip N Slide incident (a note for those of you out there that are just now tuning in, this has nothing to do with the Michael Jackson case).

So yesterday I get off of work and head home to my apartment complex. As I am pulling in a notice a throng of people out on a big grassy area. It seems someone has put out a Slip N Slide that runs along the lawn area for a good 30 feet. Kids are sliding down it and it goes towards one of the buildings, and there they stop and get back in line.

They are also barbequeing, have balloons out, and somewhere over the PA system Wipeout is playing. I thought, "hey thats pretty cool" and was starting to pull into my building.

Then I saw Webster, my neighbors fat son, KAWHeeeeeeezing his way towards the slip in slide. I stopped and thought to myself "surely he isn't, there's no way he can build up enough speed to do this".

Well Webster must of thought he saw a Baby Ruth at the other end of the Slip N Slide, because he let out a mighty yell and started running full blast towards the Slip N Slide.

He launched himself onto it and really started flying down that yellow strip of plastic, all the while Wipeout is playing. Webster was picking up more and more speed, and was getting closer and closer to the end of the Slip N Slide. I think he forgot that an object in motion tends to stay in motion, and the Slip N Slide was providing no friction to slow him down, instead it was merely helping propel all of his fatty self along and he was picking up speed.

I think Webster finally realized this cuz with about 10 feet left he started flopping his arms to slow down (picture a turtle on its belly, but a really fat turtle, kicking his arms and legs to slow down) and started screaming.

Finally Webster came to the end of the Slip N Slide and everything seemed to slow down Matrix style.

Wipeout was playing (Bananananananananaaananananana nanananaannananaana, Bananananananana nanananananana, Banananananananaan nananananananaa, Bannaanananananaananananana, Bananananaa nununununeeeeneeee, nanananananananaananana nunu neeee neee)


Webster screaming and flopping his arms to slow down, and then he hits the end of the Slip N Slide (which is only like 5 feet from a building wall) and continues to move, and takes like 3 bounces straight into a building wall.

If the apartment complex had deployed a Crocodile Mile at the end of the Slip N Slide he probably would of gone airborne straight through a bottom floow window.

Then Webster just layed there and I actually started to feel bad for him, wondering if he was hurt. Then the ice cream man drove in playing his music, and much like Dude Love from the WWE that music brought him back.

He had a huge lump on his head, so his parents bought him Ice Cream. Like he needed to put on more weight, god if he gets any fatter he is gonna blow a hole into the next wall he Slip N Slides into.

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Mr T, Better Than Those Tools On American Idol (Music Video Inside)

There once was a man who was the biggest star in the world. He was everywhere, television, movies, cereal boxes, magazines, comic books......then he decided to conquer the one area of entertainment that was not in his iron (or more likely gold plated) grasp.

Yes, one Mr. T decided to conquer the world of pop music. Before he did so he had to decide what to sing about. He knew that a musician spoke to his audience by exposing his innermost feelings, his soul, through the gift of words sung in different tones.

Mr T decided to speak of the most important topic in his heart, his mutha. Come now my Carnonymaniacs and witness the breathtaking beauty of Mr T in concert!

Mr T The True American Idol


Amazing wasn't it? Mr T reminds me of a level of music that only the top singers in American Idol can aspire to reach. However lets not get too hasty or star struck, I did note a few mistakes.

I counted at least 3 times in the 3rd stanza where T hit a note a little flat. However with a little voice coaching by.....well actually who could coach Mr T in singing? He's already better than 99% of todays pop stars. I wonder if Poveratti would take on T as an apprentice?

Here's how I would rank Mr T with some of todays biggest musical stars...

-Mr T
-William Hung
-Random 6th Grade Retarded & Deaf School Choir
-Ashlee Simpson
-J Ho-bag
-Justin Timberlake
-O Town
-Madonna
-U2 (The current "pop" U2)
-Jessica Simpson
-Kelly Clarkson
-Ruben Studderd
-Clay Aiken
-Yellowcard
-Michael Jackson
-Britney Spears
-Christina Skankulera
-Mandy Moore
-Everyone and Anyone Who Has Ever Been on TRL

Man just look at all the billions of records the above people have sold, that says alot that they don't compare to the quality of Mr T and his singing.

Why isn't Mr T doing a Summer Stadium Tour with Don "Heartbeat" Johnson???


Even Better Than Ashlee Simpson 



Geezus I am a genius, someone get the money to back this tour and you will make at least $9,257,321.53 in profit from ticket sales. Who knows how much sales of "I Sing In Knuckle Sammich Minor Foo" t-shirts would make for you, I shudder at the thought.

In fact I am going out and copywriting that saying, I will start printing t-shirts tommorrow, who wants one?

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My 3 Step Process To Cure Aids, Cancer, and Ebola

Jeez I truly am a genius, no one can debate that after this post. In the next few paragraphs I am going to give the world the way to cure Aids, Cancer, and Ebola. If a man was to cure ONE of these diseases they would be called a genius.

I am going to cure all three, thus guranteeing that the Nobel prize be renamed the "You're Almost As Brilliant As Carnonymous" prize. They should build a 500 foot tall golden statue of me in Stockholm, and maybe some 10 feet tall midgets bowing to me (for scale), and a couple huge jugged broads standing around me in awe. Man that would rock.

Anyways you turds here's my incredibly easy three step process to cure three of the most deadly diseases out there; AIDS, Cancer, and Ebola.

Step One: Track down and kidnap Bill Gates, The Sultan Of Brunei, and Oprah.

Step Two: Give Bill Gates AIDS, The Sultan Of Brunei Cancer, and Oprah Ebola.

Step Three: Watch these three use their vast fortunes to cure the disease in two weeks.

Man I am amazing, you can thank me later.

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I Really Hate My Neighbors Fat Son (The Webster Chronicles)

So at my pimpalacious apartment complex I had the misfortune of having my neighbors move out and this crappy family move in. Its not even so much that I don't like the family, I just really don't like their fat son.

The kids name is Webster, and if that isn't enough of a reason to pick on him he's 12 years old and is already pushing 200 pounds. The kid has got some serious titties going on, he better hope that some deranged Boy Scout troop leader doesn't drive by and kidnap his ass for a summer of sodomy.

To make matters worse I live on the 2nd story of my building. So I have to listen to Webster wheeze his ass up the stairs every day. It sounds like a broken down vacum cleaner is going up the stairs, seriously here's what I hear.

"Step, step, step, step, KAWHEeeeeeeeeeeze PA, Step, Step, Step, Step, KAWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE PA".

It sickens me to have to listen to this. The other day I am sitting down and trying to watch The Wiggles, and during the middle of "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" I start hearing that old familiar weezing. So I turn my volume up to 40 on my Sony Flat Screen. The weezing got louder.

So I turn on my surround sound system and crank it up, thus surrounding me with 100 watts a channel of Wiggles surround soundeygoodness. But the weezing got louder.

I wanted to make sure I didn't miss my favorite part, where the Asian Wiggle starts yawning and sleeping, so I ran outside and yanked open my door. "Webster quiet down, some of us are trying to watch the Wiggles. QUIT WHEEZING GODDAMMIT!" I yelled at him. Webster took one look at me and started crying. Serves him right. When I got back in I had missed the goddamn part where Asian Wiggle starts yawning.

I should of gone outside and pushed Webster back down the stairs, but then Lazy Town came on so I decided to spare Webster for the moment. He better thank his lucky stars that a strangely mesmerzing Icelandic kids show came on at just the right moment.

So today I am running late for work, I had been out late the previous night catching Sin City (which kicked ass by the way). So I am in a rush, but should be able to make it on time if I hurry.

I dash out of my door to find Webster going down the stairs. Big deal you say. Well Webster is so fucking wide that it is impossible for me to pass him, combine that with the fact that Stephen Hawking could beat his ass in a footrace and I think you see where I am going. It literally took me two minutes to get down a flight of stairs cuz Shamu had to stop every 4 or 5 steps to catch his breath like he's descending from Everest.

Well I ended up being like 5 minutes late to work thanks to Webster. Thats okay, I already figuring out ways to get back at him. I'll let you know more later.

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Don't Call This A Blog (I Am Changing This Sites Name)

I have brilliantly decided to change the name of this site. Why you ask? One simple word.....blogs. I actually took the time to surf a few blogs the past week, and after having dry heaves for about 3 hours I decided I had to distance myself from "the blogosphere". I was utterly amazed at what I saw out there, here's a few examples:

(I will not link to these places because these schlongs don't deserve the traffic, and you dont' deserve to vomit from their crappines)

1. Video Blog: One blog consists of this douchebag that films himself almost daily talking about random shit, like cooking hamburgers and whatnot. Unfreakin real, I don't know how this guy can have a wife and job.

2. Political blogs: These usually consist of someone from either the far left or far right screaming about how much they hate the opposite side. The more entertaining ones are those that claim to be "moderate" but are so far to the left or right it is hilarious. I actually found one blog where some woman was proud that she bitched out a lady with a "We Support The Troops" sticker. What the fuck???

Another blog that was definitely to the far right was pretty much virtually sucking off President Bush right there. It was unfreakin real, people look past party lines and realize the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.

The amount of hatred I see for our President cracks me up too, especially from blogs that are obviously written by a 14 year old pimple faced boy that gets his arguments straight from Fareheit 9/11.

3. Daily Life blogs: These are by far the worst. Some douchebag writing about every little thing about their life. These are usually done by teenagers, or old folks that still act like teens. Here's an example:

"2day I decided to make a sand witch so I called up my frenz and had them c0me over. We l00ked for the mayonnaise but ended up having to use Miracle Whip. Grozzz LOL. My gurl SaRa got the bread 4 me and Tim got the meat. SaRa (I LOVE YOU GURL LOL!) got the mircacle whip and put it on the bread 4 me, while Tim put the meat on Then we 8 the sand whiches, and they were g00d, YummMeeEEEEeeeeeE ;)."

Excuse me while I have a flashback dry heave. Okay I'm back.

4. Latest Fad/Blog Tool Blogs: These are the ones that 80% of the content is either stupid things such as

-"What character from ________ are you?" You know what I am talking about, stupid shit like "I'm Gimli from Lord Of The Rings, hairy, hungry, and stalwart companion"

-Little icons to show their current mood. Nobody cares you are currently "introspective"

5. Relationship Blogs: These are probably the worst of the worst. These are the blogs that detail someones relationship (99.99% of the time by the girl, no guy would be this much of a pussy) and usually have the following things in them:

- The title is usually something like "Stacey + Ken 4Eva" in a big heart next to a picture of the two losers hugging

- There is a crappy background song, usually Aerosmiths song from Armageddon

- Every post always includes phrases like "I love him SOOOOOOO much", "I know I am gonna marry him", " we are meant to be"

- Half the time these blogs are for relationships that are like TWO FUCKING WEEKS OLD. I am not shitting you I found one blog that was this chick going on and on about how much she loved her man, was in love with him, they were gonna be "2getha 4eva" and they had been dating for like 23 days. How do I know this? They had a counter "X Days In Love" on their sight. God I am gonna vomit.

After surfing other blogs I am absolutely convinced that 99.999999999999999% of the blogs out there are complete and utter shit. Only myself and a few others are bastions of brilliance and sanity out there. So I have decided that these other sites have no right to share anything with me, even if it is a name. I have gotten it down to two choices for the new name.


1. Angryface Central: Brilliance Defined

2. The Most Hard Hitting Thought Provoking Website EVER

What do you turds think the new name should be?

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A Note To Bono, Shut The Hell Up.

Who the hell does Bono think he is? I am sick and tired of celebrities acting as if they were a genius in every subject. Only I can speak authoritatively on any subject I want and be 142% correct.

First off, where does Bono get off talking about anything besides how to make shitty top 40 music? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE U2's old stuff. The Joshua Tree is one of the greatest albums of the past 30 years, but the stuff they are doing now is pop bullshit on the level of Juggslee Simpson.

Perhaps if Bono wasn't so worried about what to say at his next press conference he could concentrate on writing lyrics a little deeper than "whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo A hoooo!" or "yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

It seems everytime something happens Bono is there to hold a press conference to give his take on it. It doesn't matter if its something as huge as the Tsunami in Asia or the death of the Pope, or if little Timmys cat is stuck up in the tree. Bono will be there to tell us what we should think about it.

Now his big thing is forgiving 3rd World Debt, and he thinks he should be the head of the IMF. Like we should just forget about the billions of dollars we have loaned to crappy 3rd world countries that hate us. Hey Bono I want you to do two things for me:

- Loan me $10,000,000

- Forgive my debt

Oh, it's not quite so easy when it's your money huh bitch? Thats what I thought, now shut the hell up and go shoot another I-Pod commercial.

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Do Yourself A Favor, Catch Kung Fu Hustle

I normally don't write positive reviews of movies (let alone anything), but Kung Fu Hustle has earned the official Carnonymous Seal Of Excellence Award. I caught this flick at South By Southwest down in my hometown of Austin Texas.

What can I say about Kung Fu Hustle? How about brilliant, hilarious, action packed, original, thought provoking, genera busting, seat of your pants entertainment, all words normally reserved for myself and this website.

Imagine a movie that combines Jackie Chan style Kung Fu, Matrix Style fight scenes (except not totally gay), Looney Toons type slapstick moments, and a gang of Chinese guys in top hats and tuxes who wield axes and dance but its not out of place....well put all those together plus alot more excellence and you get Kung Fu Hustle.

For those that haven't seen it yet Kung Fu Hustle revolves around a group of toughs named The Axe Gang. The Axe Gang is the most dominant gang in their area and there is but one final place that isn't under their control. Fortunately this place is inhabited by some....very unusual people. I can't reall get much more into it for fear of ruining the movie.

So skip the 24 pack of Natty Light this weekend and go spend your $7 on a ticket for Kung Fu Hustle. You can thank me later.

PS. If you've seen the movie and want to write your own review, and thank me for my brilliant advice add a comment you schlongs.

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I Am Going To Release Ebola Infected Monkeys Into The Real World House

If there's one show I loathe more than any other, I think it has to be The Real World. Never have I seen such a collection of narcissistic, self absorbed, petty little bitches. I guess the first Real World was okay, it was original and people weren't acting for the friggin cameras. Now every Real World has the following types:


-Slutty Chick That Needs Attention: She usually talks about sex all the time, then bitches how people can't handle her sexuality and "being real". Bangs at least one housemate, plus a bunch of random dudes.

-Flamingly Gay Guy: He declares in the first episode that he's gay, as if his clothing and demeanor don't give it away immediately to anyone but Helen Keller. He usually has to confront at least one housemate that isn't comfortable with gays, they both eventually reach a realization midway though the season that gays are people too. WOW!

-Southern Boy/Frat Daddy: This guy shows up and acts like he's the biggest pimp in the universe. Usually comes into conflict with the gay guy cuz he's "uncomfortable" with homosexuals. Many times he hooks up with the slutty chick.

-Angry Black Guy/Girl: This person is really into their culture, usually has difficulty being around white people. Tends to find some kind of racists undertones in everything anyone else says. Like for instance Slutty Chick goes "Hey I love this Britney Spears song, slave for you" and Angry Black Person goes into a rage over it. Sometimes isolates him/herself from the rest of the house, usually gets into a fight with slutty chick and calls her a white hobag or whatnot.

-Dude/Girl In A Relationship: This person whines and crys about their significant other. They act as if being 6 months apart is a huge challenge for them. We are usually treated to many scenes of them crying on the phone. They or their significant other cheats at least once, leading to a painful phonecall. If its the housemate, they say how they need space but also proclaim how they still love their significant other. They then proceed to nail everyone in sight, then at the end of the show say "wow I realize now that my bf/gf back home is who I need to be with".

-The Drunk/Party Person: This guy or girl goes out and gets hammered constantly. All the other housemates bitch about this one behind their back, but eventually have some shitty intervention on air.

-The Bitch/Asshole: This guy or girl pisses everyone off. They are usually complete pricks, but then bitch that "nobody can stand that I am real, I say whats on my mind and if people don't like that its too bad. I keep it real".

Sometimes one person can be more than one type, but every season usually features these kind of folks, and I CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT. A few weeks ago I was, for some ungodly reason, watching The Real World and here's what I saw.

Some black chick was crying and telling someone she can't work with disabled kids, cuz they scared her as a little kid and she just doesn't think she can do it. Well later on after she is forced to work with the disabled kids and realizes they aren't raving monsters she talks about "oh I realized that Lisa is just a normal beautiful little girl, I'm so proud I could see that".

OH WOW, You are so proud you realized that a retarded kid isn't some blood sucking flesh eating monster and is an actual human being. Guess what you get Shavonda? Thats right, you get the Douchebag Of The Millenium award. Here you go.


Shavonda: Scared Of Retards 


And now the final straw....they are filming the fucking Real World in Texas, in my homestate, in Austin my home turf. I have walked past the Real World Austin house twice already, I wanted to piss on it but there were too many security folks around. Mark my words I will piss on this house.

Until that point arrives though, I just dropped a ton of cash to have some Ebola infected monkeys flown here all the way from Africa. I am going to release them into the Real World house then watch how these douchebags keep it real as they are bleeding to death out their asses, THATS REAL BITCH.

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Teacher/Student Relationships, A Disturbing Trend

If you have been watching the news lately I am sure you have been seeing all types of stories involving teachers and their students. What they are doing is vile, despicable, and totally wrong. I'm not talking about teacher student sex, that is completely okay with me.

I'm talking about the disturbing trend of teachers following their students throughout the course of their educational career. Still don't know what I am talking about? Fine let me give you two perfect examples.

Mr. Richard Belding and Zachary Morris: Dick Belding was a young man in charge of his first school. At Bayside Middle school he was the captain of the good ship education, he was ready to help the future of the nation learn. It was there that he met the boy he would spend the next 8 years chasing after.

Mr Belding seemed to always have it out for Zack. He would constantly call him to the Principals Office to warn him not to do stuff, he would show up where Zack and The Gang were trying to go on vacation and work a whole summer, show up at The Max to yell at Zack, and tons of stuff like that.

Yeah you can say Zack held an auction in the hallways, trashed Beldings car, got stuck dating Beldings niece and knocked her up (you missed that part, but its on the European version trust me), faked an alien invasion and got the NSA to think Screech was an alien, and tons of other schoolyard shenanigans. Every time Mr. Belding caught Zack red handed he could of kicked him out of school, but he gave him chance after chance. This type of warmth towards Zack wasn't in a mentor/student kind of way it was in a Michael Jackson and Jesus Juice/Boyscouts kind of way.

Mr. Belding moved up to become principal of Bayside High School when Zack moved up. Coincedence? I think not. Belding just couldn't stand the thought of another man watching over young Zack. In fact I am rather suprised that he didnt' view Max (of The Max restaurant, which was apparently the only one in town) as a rival for Zacks attention and have him killed.

Add in the fact that Mr. B showed up where Zack was on vacation IN HAWAII and that all equals unhealthy man/boy love. I was rather shocked that Mr Belding didn't suddenly become dean of whatever college Zack and the gang went to. Our next subject most certainly did.


A Forbidden Love 

Mr. Feeny and his young student Corey Matthews: Mr. Belding was probably kicking himself for not being like Feeny cuz Feeny lived NEXT DOOR to his favorite student. Feeny was young Coreys English/Every Other Class teacher, and then got promoted to high school Principal at the most convenient of times (i.e. Corey goes to High School), but he wasn't done there oh no.

Not to be outdone by Richard Belding, Mr Feeny then became the Dean of the college that Corey went too, he also apparently became Coreys English teacher plus life coach. It got to the point where every time Corey had a problem Feeny was there with advice even before Corey thought of asking for it. I wish they didn't cancel the series cuz I hear they filmed a bunch of episodes that didn't get released including the much ballyhooed "Mr Feeny teaches Corey how to put Topanga in The Reverse Cowgirl". Man that episode would of rocked.

Is nobody else out there disturbed and sickened by these men and their unholy love for their students? Am I the only one genius enough to realize this????

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