Phil Of The Future Is A Motherfucking Fraud: AKA Carnonymous Speaks On Y2K, Peak Oil, Bird Flu And The Rest Of The Things Sure To End The World

So there's this show on called Phil Of The Future. Long story short Phil is some kid from the future who's here in our time. Simple enough concept. Except Phil is obviously a motherfucking fraud, because everyone knows civilization is going to collapse any time now. We have been living on borrowed time for the past few decades. So how exactly can Phil come back to us from the future when we all know the future is totally fucked?


Anyone who has read a magazine, surfed the net, or watched TV has probably heard about this thing called "Peak Oil". Peak Oil is the latest world ending, civilization collapsing bogeyman to come along The Peak Oil cult members are running around predicting the end of civilization as we end it, massive wars for remaining oil stockpiles, famine, the return of Pee Wee Herman and a bunch of other bullshit.

Before we get into Peak Oil, lets look at some of the other things that were supposed to destroy mankind.

1. Y2K: I'm sure everyone remembers Y2K. Instead of Vigo The Carpathian ending the world at midnight on New Years computers were going to do it. When the clock ticked over power systems could of shut down, nukes been launched, Skynet go active, tons of crazy shit was supposed to happen. I don't know about you guys but there was crazy shit going on for me at 12:01 AM of Y2K but it sure as hell didn't involve the end of the world. People freaked out about this and stocked up water, food, weapons, they built bunkers and all types of shit. I know at this time it sounds stupid as fuck and you think that panicked were retards, but try to remember back then and realize.....it was stupid as fuck and the people that panicked about it were retards.


2. Earth Killing Asteroids: While this idea makes for mediocre summer movies co-starring no talent whores who only got the job because their daddy wrote a god awful song for the soundtrack and even worse TV movies starring character actors it makes for one really stupid reason to worry about the world ending. Yet once again we had millions of chicken littles running around and literally waiting for the sky to fall. Among ways I am scared I will die, here's where being killed by a giant asteroid ranks.

#728: Being stuck on a plane that crashes on a deserted island with myself, Rosie Odonnel, and Monique as the only survivors. I then have to ponder between either killing them and living for a little while on their surely disgusting fatty whale blubberly like flesh or purposely choosing the short straw and allowing myself to be cannibalized.

#729: Huge azz asteroid

#730: I accidentally date OJ's ex girlfriend and we run into him at a trendy restaurant. I am left nervous and shaking when he says he'll see us around, but we won't see him wink wink. You know what happens next.

So as you can see I'm not too worried about some huge ass asteroid.

3. Bird Flu: This one hasn't completely gone away, but last year all the "experts" were predicting a plague of biblical proportions was coming from bird flu. I can't count how many times I laughed while watching CNN or some other station and seeing some expert say "it's not a question of if, but when Bird Flu hits and god help us when it does". I'm still waiting and no goddamned bird flu. I was actually looking forward to it so I could hang out with a deaf mute, texas cowboy, retarded guy, rock star, pregnant chick, old black lady, and some other folks and move to Boulder Colorado and fight the forces of darkness. Guess I'll have to put that on the back burner.

4. SARS: See Bird Flu, only this one wasn't even enough of a threat to warrant a bad TV movie on NBC.

5. Global Warming: One of the longest running en vogue bullshit fears Global Warming is the one of the favorite world ending bogeymen out there. So far the only way I have seen Global Warming hurt this planet is it was the idea behind Waterworld, god that fucking movie sucked. Maybe I would take the threat a little more seriously if some of the biggest proponents of the idea that go around saying we need to change our ways weren't some of the biggest fucking hypocrites I have ever seen.

limousine libs like Al Gore, Barbara Streisand and others like to lecture the peons about global warming and how WE need to live a more responsible life style and not be such gluttonous consumers....... while THEY jet around the world in private planes, drive mega suv's, keep their 5 mansions (last time I checked you can only live one place at a time) at 72 degrees, and generally do everything they preach against.

Ed Begley Jr is about the only one of those guys I can think of that practices what he preaches. I mean have you guys seen that gangly 8 foot tall motherfucker in some of those tiny ass cars he drives? THAT is commitment to the environment my friends. Personally speaking if me being comfortable meant my great great grandchildren would have to live in a future where they live on huge boats because all the polar ice caps melted I would say get the H1 started baby cuz I'm enjoy all of the 6 MPG goodness that comes with that leg room.

And now we come to the latest world ending bogeyman, Peak Oil. Peak Oil simply put is the moment when the worlds oil production has hit it's highest level and after that will decline and at a rather fast pace. The Peak Oil cultists believe that after that we will see things such as massive economic depressions, huge spikes in energy costs, massive famine, Raven Simone dropping weight, and tons of other things not likely to actually happen.

Will it happen? Maybe, but I am not freaking out due to quite a few reasons.

1. Every other sure to end the world problem has turned out to be complete and utter bullshit. I know thats not the best reason to discount something, but I mean come on how many fucking times have we been told "XYZ is gonna end the world, and this is a fact" only to have it not happen or something else happens like a rag tag band of oil drillers led by John McLane blows the shit out the problem while Aerosmith sings a shitty song.

2. Good old fashioned greed. So we run out of, or start having less, oil what do we do now? I'm pretty sure that someone will "find" a new source or some new way to power the things we used to using oil for. The same companies making billions on oil will be the ones making billions on the new source of energy.

3. Peak Oil has been pushed back, several times.

4. A TV movie hasn't been made about it.....yet. When I turn on NBC and see Scott Baio, Carmen Electra (as a sexy yet brilliant scientist no doubt), one of the Baldwins, and Stacy Keach acting in a captivating 3 part/6 hour mini series on peak oil then I will get worried.

Even if it does happen I'll just grow an Abe Lincoln like beard and go Amish.