Wanna See A Show Gayer Than Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? Watch a Packers Game With John Madden Covering It

This has really been bugging me for the past few years. Let me start off by saying I realize I couldn't play QB on my best day better than Brett on his worst. Up until the past few years Brett was a great QB, probably one of the best all time. But that doesn't change the fact that the guy has seriously slipped in the past few years. The only thing worse than watching a Packers ass beating is having to listen to John Madden gush over Brett Favre during it.

Anyone that has watched a Monday Night Football game with the Packers knows how much of a man crush John Madden has on Brett Favre. A great drinking game is to take a shot everytime John Madden says anything about Brett Favre having fun. You're usually totally wasted by midway through the 2nd quarter.

It's been PAINFUL to watch a Packers game the past year or two. I truly think the only reason Favre hasn't been yanked from some of those games is that he was Brett Favre. If you had a rookie or 2nd or3rd year QB just throwin up dumb INT's his ass would be yanked.

But instead the Packer Kool Aid drinkers just cheer him on and Madden is up in the broadcast booth making Valentines Day cards for Brett with macaroni and glitter.

Here's a typical Packers game last year:

Play By Play Guy: Ball is snapped, Favres moving in the pocket, movin in the pocket, he rolls to the right, pressures coming in, Bretts moving, throws the ball up into quadruple coverage.....INTERCEPTION Chicago bears.

Madden: Wow, that's a tough break for Brett. He must of been havin too much fun to notice Bubba Franks wide open or that he could of dumped it off to Samkon Gado for a TD. But Bretts just out there having fun and thats what the games all about. Tough Actin Tenactin. But Bretts just gonna go out there and have fun, wing the ball around like a gunslinger, a fun having gunslinger who has lots of fun. Yeah he might only throw one TD and 5 picks but at least it was a fun TD and thats what Brett is all about, having fun.

At what point does admiring a former football great during his good times transcend into gay love for a man because you keep gushing about him on national TV even though he lost the game for his team? It's at the point that I am waiting for Madden to pick Brett for the Horse Trailer even though the Pack lose 78-3 and 18 points came from Fave interceptions, sorry came from Brett having lots of fun and throwing an INT.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Phil Of The Future Is A Motherfucking Fraud: AKA Carnonymous Speaks On Y2K, Peak Oil, Bird Flu And The Rest Of The Things Sure To End The World

So there's this show on called Phil Of The Future. Long story short Phil is some kid from the future who's here in our time. Simple enough concept. Except Phil is obviously a motherfucking fraud, because everyone knows civilization is going to collapse any time now. We have been living on borrowed time for the past few decades. So how exactly can Phil come back to us from the future when we all know the future is totally fucked?


Anyone who has read a magazine, surfed the net, or watched TV has probably heard about this thing called "Peak Oil". Peak Oil is the latest world ending, civilization collapsing bogeyman to come along The Peak Oil cult members are running around predicting the end of civilization as we end it, massive wars for remaining oil stockpiles, famine, the return of Pee Wee Herman and a bunch of other bullshit.

Before we get into Peak Oil, lets look at some of the other things that were supposed to destroy mankind.

1. Y2K: I'm sure everyone remembers Y2K. Instead of Vigo The Carpathian ending the world at midnight on New Years computers were going to do it. When the clock ticked over power systems could of shut down, nukes been launched, Skynet go active, tons of crazy shit was supposed to happen. I don't know about you guys but there was crazy shit going on for me at 12:01 AM of Y2K but it sure as hell didn't involve the end of the world. People freaked out about this and stocked up water, food, weapons, they built bunkers and all types of shit. I know at this time it sounds stupid as fuck and you think that panicked were retards, but try to remember back then and realize.....it was stupid as fuck and the people that panicked about it were retards.


2. Earth Killing Asteroids: While this idea makes for mediocre summer movies co-starring no talent whores who only got the job because their daddy wrote a god awful song for the soundtrack and even worse TV movies starring character actors it makes for one really stupid reason to worry about the world ending. Yet once again we had millions of chicken littles running around and literally waiting for the sky to fall. Among ways I am scared I will die, here's where being killed by a giant asteroid ranks.

#728: Being stuck on a plane that crashes on a deserted island with myself, Rosie Odonnel, and Monique as the only survivors. I then have to ponder between either killing them and living for a little while on their surely disgusting fatty whale blubberly like flesh or purposely choosing the short straw and allowing myself to be cannibalized.

#729: Huge azz asteroid

#730: I accidentally date OJ's ex girlfriend and we run into him at a trendy restaurant. I am left nervous and shaking when he says he'll see us around, but we won't see him wink wink. You know what happens next.

So as you can see I'm not too worried about some huge ass asteroid.

3. Bird Flu: This one hasn't completely gone away, but last year all the "experts" were predicting a plague of biblical proportions was coming from bird flu. I can't count how many times I laughed while watching CNN or some other station and seeing some expert say "it's not a question of if, but when Bird Flu hits and god help us when it does". I'm still waiting and no goddamned bird flu. I was actually looking forward to it so I could hang out with a deaf mute, texas cowboy, retarded guy, rock star, pregnant chick, old black lady, and some other folks and move to Boulder Colorado and fight the forces of darkness. Guess I'll have to put that on the back burner.

4. SARS: See Bird Flu, only this one wasn't even enough of a threat to warrant a bad TV movie on NBC.

5. Global Warming: One of the longest running en vogue bullshit fears Global Warming is the one of the favorite world ending bogeymen out there. So far the only way I have seen Global Warming hurt this planet is it was the idea behind Waterworld, god that fucking movie sucked. Maybe I would take the threat a little more seriously if some of the biggest proponents of the idea that go around saying we need to change our ways weren't some of the biggest fucking hypocrites I have ever seen.

limousine libs like Al Gore, Barbara Streisand and others like to lecture the peons about global warming and how WE need to live a more responsible life style and not be such gluttonous consumers....... while THEY jet around the world in private planes, drive mega suv's, keep their 5 mansions (last time I checked you can only live one place at a time) at 72 degrees, and generally do everything they preach against.

Ed Begley Jr is about the only one of those guys I can think of that practices what he preaches. I mean have you guys seen that gangly 8 foot tall motherfucker in some of those tiny ass cars he drives? THAT is commitment to the environment my friends. Personally speaking if me being comfortable meant my great great grandchildren would have to live in a future where they live on huge boats because all the polar ice caps melted I would say get the H1 started baby cuz I'm enjoy all of the 6 MPG goodness that comes with that leg room.

And now we come to the latest world ending bogeyman, Peak Oil. Peak Oil simply put is the moment when the worlds oil production has hit it's highest level and after that will decline and at a rather fast pace. The Peak Oil cultists believe that after that we will see things such as massive economic depressions, huge spikes in energy costs, massive famine, Raven Simone dropping weight, and tons of other things not likely to actually happen.

Will it happen? Maybe, but I am not freaking out due to quite a few reasons.

1. Every other sure to end the world problem has turned out to be complete and utter bullshit. I know thats not the best reason to discount something, but I mean come on how many fucking times have we been told "XYZ is gonna end the world, and this is a fact" only to have it not happen or something else happens like a rag tag band of oil drillers led by John McLane blows the shit out the problem while Aerosmith sings a shitty song.

2. Good old fashioned greed. So we run out of, or start having less, oil what do we do now? I'm pretty sure that someone will "find" a new source or some new way to power the things we used to using oil for. The same companies making billions on oil will be the ones making billions on the new source of energy.

3. Peak Oil has been pushed back, several times.

4. A TV movie hasn't been made about it.....yet. When I turn on NBC and see Scott Baio, Carmen Electra (as a sexy yet brilliant scientist no doubt), one of the Baldwins, and Stacy Keach acting in a captivating 3 part/6 hour mini series on peak oil then I will get worried.

Even if it does happen I'll just grow an Abe Lincoln like beard and go Amish.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Al Jolson Was Way Ahead Of His Time

So the other day I was hanging out with some friends and we decided to go rent a movie. We arrived at the local Hollywood Video and started looking for something to watch. Unfortunately everything that ranged (as far as quality) from Absolutetly Fantastic to Mind Numbingly Stupid was checked out so we were forced to rent White Chicks.

By forced to rent I mean we took a vote and even though I should count as 10 fucking votes I was overruled by 4 other people. So we go back to my friends pad and put in White Chicks.

We were then subjected to about 90 minutes of absolute crap that probably gave ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh let me see two total laughs. After watching this movie I was left with two thoughts:

1. How could "In Living Color" of been so fucking funny, but everything since that has been put out by the Wayans been utterly horrible?

2. Why was nobody upset at the utter racism in this movie?

Lets look at the basic plot of White Chicks, here it is layed out in a formula....


Someone from one race + clothes and makeup to change appearance into another race + person dressed as other race acting out racial stereotypes = comedy (?)

Now back in the day there was this one cat named Al Jolson who used to perform in blackface and do a whole act where he was supposed to be black. Today that is derided as being racist and horrible.

It is obvious that Al was just way ahead of his time, and in todays more tolerant and educated society his act would be greeted with the same open arms that White Chicks was.

What???? What the fuck do you mean I'm wrong? Al Jolson would be called racist and his act the subject of Jesse Jackson and the human leach squads latest protest and press conferences?

I don't understand. How could someone such as the Wayans brothers basically do Al's blackface routine from 70 years ago, just in reverse, and it not get called racism...... yet if Al did his act it would?

Oh sorry, stupid me. I forgot that in today's more educated and tolerant society it is okay to be racist so long as you aren't white. My bad yo.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Why Do Fat Broads Control Their Men?

So I got a buddy that has a gf (she's the first poonanny he's ever hit so he thinks he's in love) and the broad is the most domineering woman I have ever seen.


My buddy's 22 and she's the first piece he has ever gotten so he thinks he loves her. She's 27 and treats him like he's her son (in a f'ed up Alabama incest way) always talking down to him telling him what he can do.

She's probably 5'6 210 pounds. Cute face and the girl could be really hot if she dropped about 70-80 pounds. But she just seems to not care, she also dresses like she's a size 6 instead of a size 16 and thinks that makes her "thick" and "sassy". I have seen thick girls, and this broads just fat and bitchy.

She NEVER lets him go anywhere unless she's with him. Which means me and the rest of my friends don't invite him anywhere cuz she's such a beeyotch. Unless you agree 110% with everything she says (and she has an opinion on everything from the NFL to campaign finance reform) she starts yelling and just being a beetch.

The only people he hangs with today are two of her (also fat) friends and their poonanny whipped hubby and the other ones bf. The last time I really hung out with him was when I went over to his pad during the New Years Day Bowl Games when they were all there and those three guys looked like a bunch of sad ball sacks. My buddy was grilling and his fat beeyotch and her yenta friend were yelling that he was putting too much spice on the tenderloins.

Me and the other 6 guys that were there shut the patio door and started hammering down beers. I went inside to get another 6 pack and the three fat broads were in their moaning and complaining about one of the football games and how they weren't enough female broadcasters and sideline reporters.

I told the one fat broad (my buddies gf) the reason there weren't more female sportscasters/sideline reporters is guys primarily watch these games and the only update we want from a woman is what time dinner will be ready.

That was the exact wrong thing to say, the fat terrible threesome lit into me and I have been banned from my buddys pad ever since.

This beetch has even put him on Strip Club Probation. She tells him if she finds out he goes to a strip club no fat poon for him. I told him thats better than hitting her fat stinky box.

Is it just me or are fat broads really controlling and mean? Its like they are afraid if their man gets away from them and gets around a normal girl he will leave em.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Holy Shit, They're Making Roadhouse 2. Does This Mean Patrick Swayze Will Write A Sequel To "She's Like The Wind"?

I'm sure everyone out there has watched the movie Roadhouse. Whether it be at 4AM on TBS, part of a Patrick Swayze film festival (which probably includes other Oscar snubbed pics such as Red Dawn or Point Break), or you're living in Mexico and it is a brand new theater release. For those 4 of you that haven't seen Roadhouse let me sum it up to you in a few short points:

1. Patrick Swayze is a short little bad ass

2. Everyone thinks he was taller

3. He runs around the movie in a very homoerotic way, yet manages to nail a hot chick

4. Sam Elliot shows up and whups ass

That's pretty much the movie in a nutshell. I am sure by now you are asking why in the hell did it take them 17 years to make a sequel? Of course I am sure it's probably because they are waiting to make all those other Swayze sequels. I mean who here still isn't waiting for Red Dawn 2, Point Break 2, or Steel Dawn 2? To get off on a tangent for a minute, I'm still not sure that Red Dawn and Steel Dawn aren't connected. It is VERY possible that Swayzes character in Steel Dawn is a descendant of his character in Red Dawn. If there were Cubans and Russians running around in Steel Dawn I could be 100% sure. Moving on.....

What I want to know is why isn't Swayze in this movie? I mean you're gonna replace him with Johnathon Schaech? Fucking Johnathon Schaech? I mean I realize Schaech really showed his acting chops in movies like Poison Ivy II, 8MM 2, and The Adventures of Brisco County Jr with quite possibly the greatest actor of all time Bruce Campbell. What the fuck is Swayze doing that is so goddamned important? I don't care if he is curing cancer or retardation he can put down his scientist jacket and clip board and shoot a movie. The only acceptable excuse is he is gearing up to shoot Red Dawn Vs Point Break. Holy fuck would that movie rock. I can just picture Charlie Sheen, Keanu Reeves, and Swayze surfing as they attack a bunch of damn Cubans and Russians. WOLVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRINES MOTHERFUCKERS. The only possible thing that I can think would hold up this movie would be if those guys that wrote Surf Ninjas are blocking it by saying it's copywriting. That would just be stupid, I mean Charlie Sheen, Swayze, and Neo would be 40 year old high school kids from rural United States not ninjas. Duh.

Alas Road House 2 won't be starring Jack Dalton. Although it does have Jake Busey in it, so that must mean it won't be that bad. I think the thing that upsets me the most is the fact that we can't look forward to another musical masterpiece by Patrick Swayze. I mean the only thing better than Road House was the great song "She's Like The Wind" by Patrick Swazye. Granted he did the song for Dirty Dancing, but that really should of been the end credits song for Roadhouse. Words can not describe what a panty dropper this song is, it is fucking amazing. Swayze doesn't even really sing, he just whispers really sad sounding and stares off into the distance in all his mulleted glory and it's like BAM! instant panty dropping. It's the equivalent of giving college girls alcohol. I'm serious guys, next time you're throwing a kegger put on She's Like The Wind and all the chicks will start making out it's fucking amazing. If you partnered up Swayze and Joey "Whoah" Lawrence on a music tour that would be bigger than a Beatles & The Monkees tour.

Fuck that would rock.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

If I Was A Serial Killer "Americas Got Talent" Would Give Me A Lifetime Of Victims

So there's this craptastic new show on called "Americas Got Talent" which is funny because it's hosted by a man with absolutely none. I can't think of a better place to either:

A. Be the site of a major natural disaster (earthquake, tsunami, Star Jones crapping)

B. Find victims to kill if you are a serial killer

I mean first to of all the show is hosted by Regis Philbin, that's too good an opportunity right there. Why this completely fake, ephedra fueled douche is beloved by millions is beyond me. In the opening segment Philbin introduced the judges and when describing Sir David Hasselhoff he actually referred to him wearing that super fancy lit up jacket that he wore while singing at the Berlin Wall. That would be funny if I wasn't so sure that Philbin (and Hasselhoff) actually thought that was a true accomplishment.

But the Rege isn't the only one that makes me think this show and it's members are ripe for a much justified painful death. I mean in this first episode (from what I could watch before passing out from projectile vomiting) we got to see a:

-Professional Finger Snapper: This assclown calls himself Bobby Badfingers, and he's a professional finger snapper. Guess who dropped out of high school because he just knew he was gonna be a big Hollywood Star and is still living in mom and dad's basement? I'll give you two guesses and the first one doesn't count. I don't know this guy and I seriously want to kill him he just looks like a huge douchebag. No man should ever have a black mustache, black pants, black shirt, and black sunglasses unless his name is Burt Reynolds.

-Horn Guy: Some guy runs around wearing a suit of bike horns. Like the kind that 8 year old kids of 30 year old retards honk on their bicycles with storage bins on the front. Now if this guy wanted to impress me he should run around in a suit covered with dildos because that's exactly what he is.

-Two Chicks, Guy, And A Donkey: There's only one place in the world where this would be entertaining, and that place is called Tijuana Mexico. Lord knows that show sure as hell wouldn't be allowed on tv.

-Bernie The 60 Something Old Guy Stripper: I take back my comments on the fingersnapping dude, this old stripper is the biggest douchebag of the night. Men, like fat chicks, should not be strippers. That's a job for coked up teenage and early 20's single mothers, leave it to the professionals please.

-Rapping Granny: Good god you have to be at least 86 years old, JUST DIE.

This show is amusing in a train wreck kind of way but if they really wanted to make it interesting to watch there should be some kind of punishment or danger involved. Like if you don't get picked to move on you get thrown in a pit full of snakes or half to sit in a room for eternity listening to deaf people sing karaoke. If the network was truly interested in helping mankind they would do something.....ANYTHING to keep these people from hitting the street again.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Prince Should Do Every Soundtrack Out There: AKA My Plead To Have Prince Do The Snakes On A Plane Soundtrack

The other day while pondering such deep thoughts as if this chick at Whole Foods juggs were real or fake, how to torture my neighbors fat son even more (more on that later), and whether or not Rosie Odonnels penis was bigger than mine, lightning struck my brain. It was at that moment that I realized Prince should do the soundtrack for every movie that comes out.

I mean think about it, the two greatest movie soundtracks out there are Purple Rain and Batman. I'm sure everyone out there has seen the greatness that is Purple Rain and heard the music from it. So I am going to focus on the Batman soundtrack as evidence of why Prince should do every soundtrack ever made. Prince doesn't just do some shitty song with a weak hook and then the standard movie song music video which 99.99999923874823748932% of the time features:

-The crappy flavor of the monf artist walking around in front of screens playing scenes from the movie

-Crappy sound clips from the movie

-B grade porno production values

Prince doesn't stand for that shit man. He does this absolutely amazing songs for movies and on top of that turns them into these opera like videos that Wagnerian in their scale. I mean look no further than the video for Batdance.



Amazing wasn't it? I know, I know, it features sound clips from the movie, but I think Prince was doing this almost as slap to those crappy normal movie soundtrack videos. Plus as you can see with the people dressed in Joker, Batman, Vicki Vale, and Batman/Joker outfits (Prince himself) that this is a video not to be taken lightly. There are some very deep undertones running through this video.

I am pretty sure that Prince is making an allegory about the struggle for African Americans during the civil rights movement, womens sufferage, and the Undertaker Vs Underfaker debalce that would happen 5 years in the future at Summerslam 1994. Why this wasn't turned into a Broadway play is beyond me. I mean what would you rather shell out your money for? That fat turd Rosie O'Donnell grunting at Seussical The Musical or to watch a 2 hour play based on Princes vision of Batdance?

No contest at all.

Need more proof of Princes greatness? Fine let me introduce exhibit P, for Partyman.



How fucking amazing was that? I mean it says it all with the opening segment when those guys walk in and go "all hail the new King......PARTYMAN" then that chick goes "who's Partyman?". Prince walks in (this time in half Joker half Prince makeup) and shows those bitches who Partyman is.

I am writing this because it still isn't too late to team up Prince with what will surely be one of the greatest movies of all time......Snakes On A Plane. I mean picture teaming up one of the greatest musicians of all time with what will be one of the greatest movies of all time.

If anyone could build a 7 minute song around clips of Samuel L Jackson yelling "I hate these motherfuckin snakes, die you mother fuckers!" Prince could. Plus just imagine a Snakes On A Plane video in the same vein as Batdance. Prince could dress up in a half Samuel L Jackson half Snake outfit. Shit that would rock like a motherfucker.

So if anyone out there knows any big wigs in Hollywood please do the following things for me:

1. Get them to get Prince on the Snakes On A Plane soundtrack

2. Get me a TV show

3. Have them get Skyler Stone blacklisted, I hate that turd

I'll settle for one out of three.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

I Really Hate Steve Harvey, And I Can't Explain Why.

Steve Harvey....this guy has never done anything to hurt or offend me. Yet for some reason the very mention of his name makes my blood start boiling. I think it stems from the fact that this no talent dude keeps getting TV show after TV show. Really is there that much of a demand for a lead/host that has the following qualifications:

1. Walk woodenly around everywhere. You can not bend your limbs if at all possible.

2. Look extremely uncomfortable on camera at all times.

3. Do absolutely NOTHING but laugh and smile with a huge set of teef and gums showing.

Seriously if any of you have had the "opportunity" to see Steve Harvey in anything you will know what I'm talking about. The guy does absolutely jack freakin shit. Every show he's in all he does is walk around like a human tree, look super uncomfortable, and whenever anything happens (funny or not) unleashes his big ass teef/mustache combo on the world.

Don't believe me? Fine here's some pics of Mr Harvey in action.

Here's Steve showing off his teef.



Oooops look like someone axed Steve a question that made him uncomfortable. What does he do???? He automatically goes into Steve Harvey defense mode. That is laugh, show off your big teef, then go "that's crazy!"



In the below pic I can only surmise that someone either axed Steve about the smash success of The Steve Harvey Show, Showtime At The Apollo Hosted By Steve Harvey, or Steve Harveys Big Time Challenge. Or they just axed "hey Steve, smile uncomfortably and how off your teef!"



Uh oh....looks like someone must of brought an axe or a fire. Steve Harvey (much like a tree) is afraid for fire and axes, FIRE BAD.



Finally here's a shot of Steve hosting "Steve Harvey's Big Time Challenge"

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

20 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch The Omen On Opening Day

Well todays June 6th, 2006. For the idiots that want to count it this way today's date is 06/06/06 or 666. The makers of The Omen remake have chosen to use today as the opening date for what will surely be a shitty remake. Lets say today is the end of the world which it very well could be. I mean after all right now that douchebag Kevin Federline still has more money than me, Rosie Odonell still is employed on television, and goddamned Rodney is still on ABC, all signs of a possible coming apocalypse.

So lets say that today, 666, is the last day on earth. Well I can sure as hell think of a lot of things, 666 to be exact but here are 20, that I would do instead of going to see a shitty remake of an awesome movie. So here they are:

1. Challenge a midget to a slam dunk competition to the death.

2. Go up to that hot MILF at work and go "lets play doorbell, DING DONG" and poke the nipple on her new store boughts. Seriously though, dont' go get a new rack and wear low cut tight shirts then get mad when people notice them.

3. Kidnap JJ Abrams and make him tell me what the fuck is going on with LOST

4. Try all the 18 varietys of Samuel Adams, multiple times. Test out that Chaser stuff just in case the apocalypse doesn't happen. If hungover the next day sue Chaser.

5. Crash the filming of a The Truth commercial and axe those idiots why in the fuck they act like the only ones to blame about cancer are the tobacco companies.

6. Challenge a retard to a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos or Candy Land. Procede to beat his ass unmercifully and laugh my balls off.

7. Watch the entire Wrestlemania boxed set. Get pissed off during the Ted Dibiase vs Brutus The Beefcake Barber during Wrestlemania 5 because Brutus was basically Hulk Hogan lite, except with less wrestling moves (if thats possible) and no personality.

8. File a lawsuit against Joe Rogan and Doug Standhope for wrongful death, for killing the fucking Man Show. How in the fuck can you make a show based on dick jokes, beer, broads, boobs, and midgets suck? Jesus fucking Christ thats like the perfect recipe for a TV show and they ruined it.

8. Track down Clay Aiken and axe him who the fuck he thinks he is fooling, I don't think anyone is buying the lie. It's time for that guy to come out and admit the truth...... he obviously lip syncs.

9. Hang out wiff Kevin Dillon, but only if he's like Johnny Drama in real life.

10. Go around town and find people wearing those stuipd ass Vote For Pedro t-shirts. Go "hey it's a meeeeeee, it's a MARRRRIO!" then punch them in the face while wearing the power glove by Nintendo.

11. Spray paint "get over it" on the car of everyone with a "He's Not My President" bumper sticker.

12. Try to figure just why in the hell Everyone Loves Raymond.

13. Drive around a college campus and find douchebag frat guys wiff popped collars listening to rap and let them know they are not black.

14. Ask Satan why in the hell even he would curse mankind with the image of Cathy Bates naked in About Schmidt. Seriously after seeing that I was colorblind and could only smell the scent of limes for like 5 weeks.

15. Watch a marathon of the best episodes of Maury Povich featuring broads trying to figure out who they baby daddy be.

16. Absolutely nothing, which would qualify me to be one of the "personalities" on VH1 or E! countdown shows.

17. Go to the mall wiff a bullhorn and let the fat broads know that baby doll t-shirts don't look good on them. More on this later.

18. Go to Starbucks, explain to the 35 year old "barrista" that if I don't tip someone at 7 goddamn 11 for a $2 cup of coffee I sure as hell won't give someone a tip for a cup of coffee that costs twice as much. When he bitches that he's doing his job I tell him exactly, so don't expect a tip. If he's pissed at being 35 and having to serve coffee then he needs to get a real job.

19. Get hammered drunk and yell at a bunch of kids that The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus don't do that job anymore, it's really the kids parents. Then explain that The Easter Bunny and Santa moved to Miami beach and adopted a Brazilian kid named Diego who also serves as their house boy.

20. Track down Al Gore and tell him an inconvenient truth. That if you sit around and lecture people on global warming, yet at the same time fly around the world and produce far more pollution than THOUSANDS of people, well that makes you a hypocritical asshole.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Trailer Park Boys Season 1, Episode 1: Take Your Little Gun & Get Out Of My Trailer Park

This is the debut episode of Trailer Park Boys and starts, as most seasons do at a jail with a few of the main characters being released. Today is the day that Julian and Ricky get released from jail to start their life anew. In this episode we are introduced to:

Julian: Usually the brains behind most of the boys schemes, Julian usually always has a rum & coke in his hand and a plan on how to get rich quick and retire.

Ricky: Ricky isn't the smartest guy out of the bunch and sometimes has difficulty speaking and thinking, but he knows he's smart. Most of the time nothing is Rickys fault (he usually blames Cory & Trevor) even though many times it is.

Bubbles: The smartest out of all the boys, Bubbles acts as the moral center of the group. His character does change as the seasons go on, and he plays a bigger role in each progressive season.

Cory & Trevor: It's best to describe them together as they really function as a unit. Cory & Trevor usually serve as the lackeys and blame takers for the boys schemes.

Mr Lahey: A former cop, Mr Lahey is the supervisor of Sunnyvale Trailer Park. He is in a relationship with Randy the assistant Trailer Park Supervisor. Mr Lahey eventually comes to view the boys (especially Ricky) as a cancer that is ruining the park.

Randy: A former male prostitute, Randy is the assistant trailer park supervisor. Known for his huge guy and love of cheeseburgers, Randy is the only ally Mr Lahey usually has in Sunnyvale.

J-Roc: Leader of the toughest, and only, gang in Sunnyvale Trailer Park. J-Roc is an aspiring rap star and eventually (in Season 3) has a rap concert at the park on the roof of his moms trailer.

Cyrus: A recurring character, Cyrus is introduced as a tough guy who moves into Julians trailer during Julians stay in jail. Cyrus appears in future seasons and always drives the same car and has his signature line "fuck off I've got work to do" whenever he leaves.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Productivity Sapping Linkage:

Here's some great things to check out instead of work.
Super Mario Brothers Live






The Asian Prince: Words can not even describe this site




A Classic WWF Moment

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Tookie Dies....Libs Cry....Somewhere I Am Smiling

I know it's wrong of me to find so much joy over an event that is centrally based on someones life ending.... but I am. I'm sure plenty of you know of Stan "Tookie" Williams and by now if you know about the case you have probably made up your own mind on his guilt or innocence.

Tookie was like the prettiest girl in school, everyone wanted a piece. I mean it's nuts how this guy was all over the news. The other night BET was running a special on Tookie Williams. Since I'm sure we can count on BET for non biased reporting on subjects like this I was shocked to find out several "facts" that the "main stream media" (read Whitey) are continuing to ignore:

1. Racism was definitely involved in this case: All the way from the police arresting Tookie, to the jury selection, to the trial, racism was everywhere. This was especially proved when they interview Tookie who said that since he wasn't judged by a "Jury of his peers" (and went on to explain that if they pretty much weren't black gangbangers then they weren't his peers).

I mean the chief of police didn't even consider that a non black guy would of committed these murders. That's just outrageous considering they happened in the middle of an area where the population was largely black, shoddy police work there the police chief should of been scouring the country clubs and Rodeo Drive for the real killers.

2. The police never had any witnesses to the murders Tookie was charged with: BET conveniently glossed over the fact that the only witnesses were killed by Tookie and the forensic evidence at the crime scene.

3. Tookies been a really swell guy in prison, and has even written a series of kid books to stop them from joining gangs: BET also must of had to cut the part where they non-biasedly report about all the times Tookie got in trouble for beating and stabbing fellow prisoners. But still....he did write kids books. I mean did Dahmer, Bundy, or any of those other guys write kids books?

4. Tookies really, REALLY sorry for starting the Crips: And isn't an apology all we are really looking for? Good enough for me man. Of course he's never admitted to his crime and refuses to apologize for it.

5. Tookie Wrote Childrens Books: Well lets just call that the end of any arguements for Tookies death right there. It's a good thing Tookie didn't draw a bunch of pretty pictures of clowns, because that sure as fuck didn't get John Wayne Gacy off the hook. Nope, Tookie wrote a series of kids books under the banner "Tookie Speaks Out Against Gang Violence" where he gives really sweet lesson to young kids on how to avoid gangs and live a good life. All of his supporters pointed to these books as an example of how he was reformed. What they don't know is Tookies editors changed up his books to make them seem all nice, and only published the ones that were co-written with another lady. They pretty much threw out all the stuff Tookie wrote and left all the good stuff the lady wrote. In fact the only two books that were 100% Tookie were kept from being published. Luckily I managed to procur a couple shots of the covers of these two books.



You think that one was bad, Tookies published threw his humidor through a window when he saw the other one Tookie wrote by himself.



After watching this hard hitting, non-biased, reporting I was still not quite convinced on Tookies innocence. Call me crazy I know. However it seems at the last minute some "suprise witnesses" came forward to try and save Tookie. This is amazing, I mean it has only been 25 plus years since the crime, what's the odds of this happening?

Well unfortunately all the courts decided not to hear these last minute witnesses and rejected Tookies lawyers pleas. At that point they decided their only chance was getting the Governor to grant clemency. Big fucking mistake in my mind, I mean that's asking Teddy Kennedy for swimming lessons big mistake. I mean when I think of the phrase "sanctity of life" Arnold Swartzenegger doesn't exactly come to mind. I mean are you honestly gonna ask the fucking Terminator to save someone's life? Arnolds probably killed more people, robots, and space aliens throughout his film career than cancer has killed people.

In fact I would bet Arnold had probably volunteered to push the button kiling Tookie while dressed as one of his movie characters. Hell he probably spent weeks thinking of the perfect catch phrase to say as he did it, thank god his political advisors stopped him from doing it.









As the clock was ticking down the usual cast of onlookers, libs, idiots, newspeople, and leeches showed up at San Quintin. All the libs are out there crying about how when the State kills you kill, the death penalty is wrong and barbaric, the usual crybaby bullshit. Of course these are the same idiots that wave banners such as "We Support Our Troops When They Shoot Their Officers" and protest all wars no matter what the reason for them. Say what you want to about the Iraq war, but some of these pussies even protested kicking the shit out of the Taliban and Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. I often find myself wondering why in the hell a bunch of these libs couldn't of been having a protest on top of the the WTC on September 11th, maybe that would convince some of them that every now and then war and killing is necessary. I guess these people never saw the photos of Tookies vicitms, I won't post them here but if you want too go look them up....THAT'S BARBARIC.

Whats pathetic is I am fairly damn sure that even with 1,000 plus people out there protesting about only a dozen or so would be missing work the next day if they all stayed there.

If I can stop and actually be serious for a moment this is reason 4,904 why I hate libs. They live in this fucking fantasy world that seems to be based on a few simple laws, among them:

1. If a black man is sentenced by a white jury or judge it is a bad conviction

2. If celebrities support a person on death row then thats what you should support

3. A man can brutally murder several people, but if he sells at least 332 copies of a kids book then he deserves to be spared. Seriously folks that's it. 332 copies of his first two books, that's COMBINED sales. I'm pretty goddamned sure thats less than the monthly circulation of Tranny Granny Sex Machines, I should know I'm the editor in chief.

I know this is wrong but I actually started to view this whole thing as a battle of good vs evil, common sense vs liberalism, take your pick of dramatic metaphors. I am being deadly serious here, I felt that Tookies life COULD NOT be spared. If he did this would be a major victory for the libs and would make them just absolutely insufferable. Then they would start campaigning for every murderer or criminal out there. I mean OJ got off the hook, Roman Polanski is still free, and fucking Beretta got away with it why can't they just give me this one?

My personal favorite moment came when I saw Jesse Jackson was out there as well. I knew something must of been wrong when I saw Jesse running around in a frenzy pulling the hair out of his head. It seems Tookie could have 5 witnesses at his execution and Jesse was not one of those picked. Jesse of course wanted to be there by his side reprising his role from the Martin Luther King assasination. It makes perfect sense as well, I mean without Jesse there by Tookies side Jesse won't be able to extract the maximum amount of publicity and money from this incident.

And I am absolutely fucking loving it. The only thing better than a brutal murderer getting popped is seeing Jesse Jackson ripping the hair out of his head because he can't profit from it.

Let's run down the Carnonymous happiness checklist:

-Murderer getting popped? Check

-Jesse Jackson upset and going crazy because he can't profit off it? Checkity Check

-Seeing the libs get upset? Check Plus

-Finding out Tookies good friend and supporter Jamie Fox is at TO's birthday party instead of there? Double Check

I found this little piece of satire and almost laughed my balls off, because I could totally see it being true.

Sean Penn Weeps over Execution

Actor Sean Penn was among the thousand, or so, protesting the execution of four-time murderer Tookie Williams on Tuesday. As the crowd outside San Quentin State Prison was told after midnight that Williams was dead, Penn broke into tears.

“I’ve killed more people in my movies than Tookie killed, but that doesn’t make me a bad person,” Penn said. “Why can’t we see the good in Tookie? He’s written children’s books for Christ’s sake.”

Penn admitted he hadn’t read any of Williams’ books, but asserted they must be good because they must have been written with passion. “A person who murders someone is a person of strong passions,” said Penn. “How could such a person not be a good writer?”

Penn vowed to make a movie based on one or more of Williams’ books as a “legacy to his greatness.”

Now after reading that don't tell me that couldn't of happened. Whoever wrote that was fucking brilliant. I just can't fathom what the hell it is about the most obviously guilty people out there that makes celibs flock to them like moths to a porchlight. I would almost bet that if we had celibs back in the 1940's like we have today a bunch of them would be at the Nuremburg trial crying for the Nazi war criminals. Of course back then John Wayne would of shown up and bitch smacked them all the way back to Hollywood so that would of been worth it, the Duke doesn't stand for that kind of shit.

The real Penn was there and someone got a GREAT shot of him crying at the magic hour. I fucking love this picture!

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Teddy Kennedy's Writing A Kids Book, Why Am I Sure Swimming Won't Be Involved In The story line?

So yesterday I found this story on Newsmax and almost pissed my pants from laughing. You know that the books illustrator is gonna have the worlds easiest job. I mean a 56 page book will probably have about 10-12 pictures in it right?

Well if it really is a book that chronicles one day in Teddys life about 7 of the pictures can just be a black page to represent Teddy being in a liquor induced blackout. Then maybe a picture of Teddy staggering around and drunkenly screaming at his aides (with a bottle of whiskey in one hand) about how he created Monopoly and that no good bastard Reagan stole the idea from him, crap like that.

I can't guarantee that that will be in the book but I would be willing to bet a Fifth of Jack that the book will definitely:

1. Not include any mention of swimming

2. An evil villain probably named something like George Rush who is out to steal all the happy thoughts, rainbows, and sunshine in the world. If the kids don't band together and vote Democrat then the evil Mr Rush will reenact slavery, put all Asians in WWII esque interment camps, and steal Christmas from children the world over.

The only real question I have is will Teddys book manage to out sell that other behemoth of the children's book publishing world, Tookie Williams? Well if Teddy can sell 333 copies he will accomplish that Herculean goal.


Sen. Ted Kennedy 'Dogged' By Children's Book


Meet the latest children's author, Sen. Ted Kennedy, and his Portuguese Water Dog, Splash, his co-protagonist in "My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, D.C."

Scholastic Inc. will release the book in May.

"I am very excited about the opportunity to create a book for young readers and their families that will deepen their understanding of how our American government works," Kennedy said in a statement Monday issued by Scholastic.

According to Scholastic, Kennedy's book "not only takes readers through a full day in the Senator's life, but also explains how a bill becomes a law." Kennedy, a Massachusetts Democrat, was inspired to write the book from his work with a Washington-based reading program, "Everybody Wins!"

Kennedy's net proceeds will be donated to charity.
Books are a Kennedy family tradition, from John F. Kennedy's Pulitzer Prize-winning "Profiles in Courage" to the poetry compilations edited by Caroline Kennedy. Books about dogs are a Washington tradition, thanks to the best-selling "Millie's Book," by then-first lady Barbara Bush.

Ted Kennedy's book is 56 pages and includes illustrations by David Small, winner of the 2001 Caldecott Medal for his pictures in Judith St. George's "So You Want to Be President?"

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Hogan Knows Best Has The Potential To Be The Best Show Of All Time

So the other day I was channel surfing and between having the dry heaves after catching a few seconds of Freddie and flying into a blind rage at catching 4.3 seconds of Extreme Home Makeover I happened to catch Hogan Knows Best.

Basically Hogan Knows Best is a reality TV show that follows around legendary WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan. I watched an episode and it was okay...nothing great but compared to Freddie it's fucking Shakesphere.

I started thinking about how much potential Hogan Knows Best has, namely the potential to be the greatest television show of all freakin time.

I mean we don't want to see Hulk Hogans REAL life we want to see the life that everyone thinks or wants to believe he lives. You turds know what I'm talking about, but for those of you that don't sit back and be awed by my genius.

Picture this it's a sunny Saturday morning and the start of a new episode of Hogan Knows Best. We cut to a shot of the outside of the Hulksters house, all of a sudden his theme music (Real American) starts playing, the garage door starts opening and smoke is billowing out of it, then his music hits high gear and out comes the Hulkster pushing his lawn mower dressed up in his full wrestling gear. I'm talking this boys mowing the lawn wearing the red and yellow. The way I picture it Hulk is wearing his wrestling outfit 100% of the time whether it be mowing the lawn or at a fancy dinner with his wife for their wedding anniversary.

Maybe Hulk takes a break from mowing the lawn to chat with his next door neighbor The Ultimate Warrior (also in full wrestling gear). They talk about football, Warriors sweet new pickup truck he just bought at Ted DiBiase's dealership, how Hogan should hopefully get a Slammy Award since he met the 4th Quarter quota of Big Boots, everyday shit like that ya know?

How fucking great would this be? I mean a whole neighborhood populated by WWF wrestlers, all in character, all wearing their outfits, like 100% of the time? Think of the fucking possibilites for storylines/episodes such as:

1. "The Big Neighborhood BBQ Cookoff": Hulksters mad cuz for the past 4 years Macho Man has dominated the neighbor hoods BBQ cookoff with his "Macho Mans Slim Jim Kabobs". Hulks decided he can't take another year of Mean Gene (the judge) awarding Macho Man 1st place and having to watch Macho strut around the culdasac going "Macho Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn wins again, Ohhhhhhhhh Yeah!"

After a year of intensive training he thinks he's ready. They would highlight his training with a 5 minute cooking montage of him training with Wolfgang Puck, Emeril, Bobby Flay and other world famous cooks (all in his Hulkster outfit of course. Maybe he tenderizes his steaks by doing some leg drops on em as well).

It all comes down to a final BBQ showdown between Macho Man and Hulk and judged by Mean Gene. You just KNOW that the episodes gonna end with someone doing a flying elbow off his roof through his competitors BBQ tent.

2. "Whats The Hulkster Gonna Do When His Anniversary Comes Due?": Hulk helps plan a suprise birthday party for Jimmy Heart at a super fancy restaurant, but he also forgets his anniversary with his wife is on the same day and he has a table at the same restaurant. So he has to run back and forth between Jimmy Hearts B-Day party and his table with his wife. Of course he has to keep changing from his normal wrestling outfit (that he wears at Jimmy Hearts party) and a super fancy Orange and Yellow tux with the sleeves ripped off for his wifes birthday. Hilarity ensues when Hulkster runs back to his wifes table with the tux jacket on but his normal wrestling tights and boots on.

Yeah its a generic plot that has been recycled on like 4,910 sitcoms but don't tell me this version wouldn't kick ass.

3. "PTA Showdown": The Iron Sheik is PTA President at Hulksters kids school and he is of course ruling it with an iron fist. The Sheik hits the fan when the Iron Sheik cuts down the American Flag at the Four Square Courts and wipes his mouth with it. Hulk decides to run for President, but since this is MY version of Hogan Knows Best there isn't a simple election. Nope in my version of the show Hulk has to wrestle the Iron Sheik in a Steel Cage match in the school auditorium for control of the PTA. Hulk initially runs into a problem when Tiger Ali Singh does a run in but luckily Sgt Slaughter (who is the PTA Sgt At Arms naturally) decides to help out. He and Hulk team up giving Hulkster the win and the PTA Presidency. The show ends with a shot of Hulk waving the American Flag and screaming about taking your vitamins and saying your prayers.

4. "Gobbledy Gooker, We Hardly Knew Ye": The Gobbledy Gooker, who used to be a mascot for the local Chevy Dealership owned by Ted DiBiase, gets fired from his job for getting drunk and groping local cheerleaders doing a photo shoot at the store with the Gooker. This starts a downward spiral for the Gooker who loses his wife, kids, and everything and eventually ends up strung out on crystal meth. After doing a batch of bad meth the Gooker believes that the band GWAR is made of real life space aliens devoted to destroying all life. Gooker decides he wants to join GWAR and thinks if goes on a killing spree he will get them to ask him to join.

The Gooker runs off into the woods emerging every now and then to grab and kill random animals, small children, and the elderly. After a few weeks of this Hogan, Macho Man, and Stone Cold all decide it's up to them to take down the Gooker. They load up on guns, ammo, and beer and tear off into the woods. After a huge firefight they finally take down the Gooker and burn him at the stake.



Don't tell me that this wouldn't be the greatest TV show of all time. I mean this would probably have an average of 28.9 Million viewers a week. Whoever is in charge of TV needs to fire the dills that created Freddie and hire me. Fuck I'm a genius.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Extermination Camps: Who's On My List

First things first, I want you all to know I don't agree with the Holocaust conducted by the Nazis in any way whatsoever. However I am thinking that if/when I rise to power and take over the good ol U.S. of C (for carnonymous) I will conduct some house cleaning. Here's who's on my list:


1. Star Wars Nerds: I'm not talking about Star Wars fans, cuz I am one. But anyone who has ever dressed up as a Star Wars character on a day other than Halloween. If you have ever had a heated discussion with a Star Trek fan over who would win in a fight, The Enterprise or a Star Destroyer. If you get married dressed as Star Wars characters and have the Cantina band playing at your wedding you're on the list.

2. Anyone who speaks Klingon: Jeezus, I can't believe this. The people that learn this could probably cure cancer, but instead they learn how to speak a fictional language.

3. NAMBLA Members: For those not in the know, NAMBLA stands for the North American Man Boy Love Association. Basically a legal club that pedophiles hang out in. These guys push for the legalization of underage sex between men and young boys. They have published several "rape and escape" manuals that teach men how to contact and lure young boys and get away with it. These people should all be burned alive.

4. Anyone that says the US deserved 9/11: FUCK YOU, thats all I have to say. If anyone seriously thinks that 3,000 citizens deserve to die then you need to be given a quick drop and a short stop.

5. Anyone That Buys a "Hot Hits Volume Whatever" Type CD: These are collections of the shittiest music ever put together. Where else could anyone find an album with N'Sync, Ashlee Simpson, LFO, J Lo, Simple Plan, 6 Pence None The Richer, Aqua, and O-Town on it? Its like Satans Ipod playlist for christs sake.

6. All Convicted Sex Offenders: I can't tell you how many times I want to literally vomit when I see on the news that some little boy or girl gets kidnapped, raped, and killed by a sex offender that has been released for the 10th time. Sorry you get one strike then your ass is out bitch.

7. Criminals Rights Advocates: Hey last time I checked the victims in crimes weren't behind bars. As far as I'm concerned when you kill someone or whatever you have no rights. Show some fucking concern for those that were killed, raped, robbed, or whatever.

8. Anyone Who Gets Their News Only From Access, Entertainment Tonight, or MTV News: No explanation needed, you are obviously deserve to die. Anyone that gets their news from a coked out Pat Obrien or that fucking tool Carson Daily don't deserve to live.

9. The Guy That Created The Romantic Comedy: Thanks for condemning entire generations of men to have to watch these shitty films. Thanks for giving Hugh Grant a career. Thanks for some of the worst fucking times I have ever had. Dickwad.

10. Roberto Benigni: God I fucking hate this guy, how he fucking won the Oscar for Best Actor over Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan is beyond me. To make it worse, he then proceeded to take a huge shit on the entire US by showing up everywhere and acting like a retard. For like 3 months Benigni mania swept the nation and we were forced to see him everywhere. Thankfully he made Pinnochio afterwards and was sent back to Italy where he now dances dressed in a monkey suit for an organ grinder and works part time at an Olive Garden.

11. Plushies/Furrys: These people get their rocks off by dressing up as stuffed animals. Picture some dude dressed as Bugs Bunny fucking a chick dressed as Mrs. Piggy. Okay, it is pretty fucking funny, but shit man people like this don't deserve to live.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Webster Goes To The Movies (The Webster Chronicles)

Well it's been awhile since we had an update on Webster, my neighbors fat son that I really hate so I thought I'd share this little story with you all.


This past weekend I decided to go see the movie Serenity (which actually wasn't too bad). Well as me and my friends were waiting in line to get some concessions who did I see.

Well first things first, I guess I should say "who the hell could I not of missed seeing?". I mean this was the first time I have seen Webster since he got back from Shady Grove Fat Kids Camp. Well all I can say is I hope his parents got their damn money back, cuz Webster actually looks FATTER now than when he left. Of course that could of been from all the Baby Ruths and Cokes I had been mailing him at Fat Camp so he wouldn't lose weight. I mean after all a grown man picking on a skinny little kid is just sad, but a grown man picking on a super fat little kid is hilarious.

Anyways so Webster is in front of me and orders:

-Super Jumbo Popcorn
-500 Oz Soda

at that point I chimed in "Hey Webster looking trim buddy"

He turned around "really Carnonymous"

"Of course not you fat little turd, maybe you should buy the small popcorn and a diet soda. It would save money and wouldn't make you quite as fat." I replied.

Well Webster shot me the finger (I mean how rude is that, what a little turd have some manners) and ordered the Super Duper Jumbo Popcorn with about 6" of butter dripped on it, the 700Oz Soda, Nachos, Nestle Cruncha Buncha, and a box of Nerds.

After watching him waddle off, I got a bottle of water and a popcorn. Well me and my group all went into Serenity which was absolutely packed, it was a sellout.

Well there were people left standing so one of the ushers came in and axed if there's an empty seat next to you if you could move down to make room. Everyone did and there were still people standing.

Then I spotted it.....and smiled...and I mean it was perfect....I looked about 6 rows down from me and there was Webster taking up 2 seats with his tubby ass. I raised my hand and called the usher over. I pointed out that the fat kid was taking up 2 seats and axed "hey doesn't this theater have a policy like the airlines? That if it's sold out you have to buy two tickets or something if you're a fatty?"

He said I was correct then went down to axe Webster if he had two tickets. Webster said no and the usher told Webster he would either have to buy another ticket or only take up one seat.

Webster started complaining he didn't have any more money, then looked up at me laughing my balls off. The rude little tyke shot me the finger and said "Carnonymous, did you tell him to do this, you know I don't have the money for another ticket".

"Goddamit Webster, I'm trying to teach you an important life lesson and look out for your health. If you had spent less money on concessions you would be able to afford that 2nd ticket and would only be consuming 1,800 calories instead of 4,200, thus making you less fat. Jeeeez at least be appreciative of those trying to help you", I said.

Well Webster was forced to move the armrests around him down and only take up one seat. You guys ever see those square watermelons they sell in Japan? Well that's pretty much what Webster looked like. Except he was so fat quite a bit of this watermelon named Webster spilled over the arm rests. The only problem was Webster cried for like 5 minutes, something about not being able to breathe and the armrests hurting him. Finally this huge black guy sitting to him said "shut the hell up white boy or I'm gonna smack the fat out of you".

What a great evening I mean lets sum it up:

-Great dinner at Super Fancy Chilis earlier
-Webster publicly embarrased
-Webster uncomfortable during the whole movie which ruined it for him
-Seeing a black guy saying he was gonna slap the fat out of Webster

Oh yeah, the movie was pretty good too.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Thank God I'm White (How Libs Have Convinced Me Bush Really Is Out To Get Blacks)

Yeah yeah I know this article is about a month late, well I wrote it a month ago but have just been hellaciously busy with life so it's just getting posted now. Read it, love it, and look for a Webster update coming this week.

The reaction after Hurricane Katrina has just been unfreakinreal. I'm glad I have managed to get my news from something else than Fox News or The Drudge Report lately, because I never would of found out about the vast conspiracy out there to destroy black people.

From what I have gleamed lately from the mass media (TV, Radio, Print, Internet) it seems that the response to Hurricane Katrina (and quite possibly the Hurricane itself) is all part of a plot that:

-President Bush
-Republicans
-Corporate America
-Pretty much all of white America except the libs

to destroy and kill African Americans. I mean we have heard of a death toll in the "10,000 range" (according to Mayor Whiney of New Orleans, which as of now 10/11/05 we all know is way wrong) and we know they will all be black not because that the vast majority of New Orleans is black, that New Orleans is for the most part a poor city, and the vast majority of those poor (and thus unable to get out of the city) are black....oh no it's all part of the evil plot to kill blacks.

I mean if this storm conjured up by the Evil Warlock Rove doesn't kill enough African Americans then it's up to Bush to make sure FEMA and everyone else withholds aid so that pestilence and crocodiles finish off the rest of them. I mean what's more believable that Bush purposely withheld aid or that Mayor Whiney and Governor failed to do their job and get the ball rolling and in fact even blocked federal aid. I think you know which one makes more sense, obviously Bush hates blacks.

If all that evidence doesn't convince me of that fact I only have to turn to the one man that comes to mind when I think "Intelligent Argument" Kanye West. When not busy rapping Kanye is out there getting the word out. I mean I wasn't ready to believe that my President hates black people until I heard this incredibly well thought speech by Kanye

I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, "They're looting." You see a white family, it says, "They're looking for food." And, you know, it's been five days [waiting for federal help] because most of the people are black. And even for me to complain about it, I would be a hypocrite because I've tried to turn away from the TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right now to see what is the biggest amount I can give, and just to imagine if I was down there, and those are my people down there. So anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help -- with the way America is set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible. I mean, the Red Cross is doing everything they can. We already realize a lot of people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way -- and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us! George Bush doesn't care about black people!

I mean the thoughtfulness..... the eloquence....who can argue with this speech? Anyone that possibly thought that President Bush cared for black people after this really has to be convinced otherwise.

To make things worse during the entire time President Bush was purposely withholding aid to blacks Fox news joined in. Fox (along with The Drudge Report) started to print wild stories of looting, rapes, the majority by blacks of course. Nevermind the fact that the majority of those left in New Orleans were black, this was just another move by the Republicans to shift the focus off Bush trying to execute his African Holocaust.

I mean you have to understand when you cram that many people into the Superdome a few dozen rapes and murders are going to happen right? Is that really a news story, or should we focus on the lack of aid? As far as the whole looting thing, I mean who doesn't have the right to take a few necessities. I know if I was in a flood situation my first thoughts would be to get food, water, and a plasma screen 52" tv, duh.

Now of course we're hearing reports that the death toll isn't going to be near as bad as expected. Where we were thinking that we would have tens of thousands dead we are looking at hundreds dead. While one death is one too many, this death toll is far better than once predicted. Now does this mean that Hurricane Katrina didn't do the job Bush wanted and kill enough blacks? Or is Fox News somehow covering it all up?

It's just so confusing. I mean initially I thought that things weren't great, but that they weren't bad overall. I thought there were some serious fuckups at the local, state, and federal levels concerning the situation in New Orleans and that all parties were to blame. Now I just don't know....I mean do I believe that the situation in New Orleans was equal parts Government Fuckup and Worst Case Scenario coming together? Or should I believe this is all a big conspiracy by the evil Republican Bush Administration to kill off blacks? I'm not sure what to think, I sure hope Sean Penn and Jesse Jackson chime in soon.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

I'm Going To Be Famous One Day, And Goddess Bunny Will Be In My Entourage

Ladies and gents, meet Goddess Bunny transvestite tapdancer superstar.





I am fully convinced that one day I will be semi famous (in a Jeremy Piven kind of way. My fans know and love me, but I can still walk down the street) due to my acting or writing/directing. Right now my brother and I are working on a super secret script of a tv series that is pure genius, more on that later.

I have already decided that when I hit it big I will abuse my celebrity to seriously fuck with people, both literally and figuratively. I will make sure to go through the ranks of "It Girls" and Maxim pinups with a fervor that will make Wilt Chamberlin proud. I also plan on using my celebrity to get away with stuff a normal turd such as you guys wouldn't be able to do. First of all I have to assemble my entourage. So far I have decided I really want to have:

-Styles from Teen Wolf
-Michael Clark Duncan
-Goddess Bunny

in my posse. This is in addition to the normal friends, hanger ons, and current broads the star is banging that are in normal entourages. Picture these two scenarios and don't tell me they don't absolutely crack you up.

I want to buy an old German style motorcycle with a sidecar and just go tooling around Hollywood with me driving and Michael Clark Duncan hunched up in the sidecar. MCD would be wearing duster goggles and a flying scarf and I would have on a snorkel mask. We would just basically drive around Hollywood (or maybe even take this act to small towns across the country) and pull up at intersections. Look over at the people next to us but never say a word and when the light hits green just peel out leaving people going "Did I.....did...did I just see Carnonymous and Michael Clark Duncan?"

I figure having MCD in my entourage also will afford me a lot of protection since he has his swoll on. My bro and I also want to be "Hollywood Bad Boys" like Sean Penn back in the day. But we would only start shit with people we are sure we could beat up. So you would read stories about us showing up wasted to the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards and getting into a knife fight with Bea Arthur and Vern Troyer (Mini Me from Austin Powers), bad ass shit like that.

But the one thing I really want to do is get Goddess Bunny to go with us to a REALLY big awards show. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself though, because I am sure plenty of you are saying who the hell is Goddess Bunny. Goddess Bunny is a man (who is apparently now a woman) who was stricken with polio as a child and is now a huge star in the underground Hollywood gay/transvestite/freaky shit scene. He/She does these really fucked up videos, of which you can see a full one here.


Go watch it, at least the first part where there's tapdancing. Go ahead, I'm gonna go get a beer anyways..........

Okay you're back, freaky shit huh? Well picture this. It's The Emmys/Oscars, this super fancy supposedly serious awards show. This is the time when idiot actors like Ray Romano and Charlie Sheen try to pretend they are actually doing something that matters in life, they treat it like they're getting the Nobel Prize because they cured cancer. Due to an incident where I punched out 2/3rds of the cast of Laguna Beach at the MTV Movie Awards I'm on thin ice. All the networks have been told to watch me and make sure I don't do anything bad. So I arrive dressed up in a really nice tux, looking all good, being completely serious. Of course I have some hot broad like Angelina Jolie or Lindsay Bigcans on my arm (probably both). Everythings normal I'm saying all the right things, being polite, acting like everything's cool.....but then here comes Goddess Bunny tapdancing behind me.

How fucking funny would it be to see me on TV taking to that harpy Joan Rivers about whatever fucking designer I'm wearing, or some idiot MTV News reporter and in the background Goddess Bunny is just tap tap tappin away. Of course I won't say A SINGLE WORD about her, and she won't say anything. You know that's the only thing on the interviewers minds, but they'll be too afraid to ask anything about her.

Goddess Bunny will have a seat with my group at the show, but the whole time keep her trap shut. Then whenever we win an award we'll go up on stage and I'll have Michael Clark Duncan carry her up on stage like Emmanuel Lewis had done to him by Michael Jackson. He'll set her down and while I'm making my acceptance speech for Best Comedy Series she'll just start tapping away.

Maybe midway through the show when the host is making everyone snooze with their canned jokes (probably some turd like Ray Romano or Ellen Degeneres) I might encourage Goddess Bunny to jump up on stage and start bust into the robot behind the host. Once again everyone will be too weirded out to say anything about it, which would just be sooooooooooooooo fucking funny.

Jesus Christ I'm a genius.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Frankies Inferno: Pic Of Frankie Inside (The Webster Chronicles)

Wow.....I...I still don't even know how to really explain what just happened here folks. This is probably the stupidest thing I think Frankie (my neighbors fat son Webster's brother) has ever done in his life.

Where to start? Well this past Saturday me and some friends were out drinking and I guess it was Karaoke night at the bar. Well as is the norm we were all drinking heavily. I think between 9PM and 2AM (when we got back to my pad) I must of had a good 25 drinks at least, and I was the most sober person in my group which was good because I was the designated driver safety first I always say. Well it appears Frankie was at the bar too, how he got a friggin fake ID I don't' know. Well Frankie gets up on stage and does this god fucking awful rendition of this Ashley Simpson song La La. He fucking loves that song for some reason don't ask me why.

So my one friend (who we'll call Bob for this stories sake) went up and did this simply fucking amazing version of Billy Idols "White Wedding" that included him dancing around and doing some popping and locking, which made all the broads go crazy.

This only served to piss Frankie off, to put it simply Frankie went beserk. Apparently he was the "King" of that Karaoke bar. You know what I'm talking about, the guy that is the big dog in the tiny shit filled pond called the local Karaoke bar. He was used to all the drunk fat skanks at that bar throwing themselves at him, now all the drunk fat skanks were throwing themselves at Bob.

So Frankie challenged Bob to a Karaoke-off, loser can never go into Buffalo Bills Karaoke Bar & Grill ever again. Bob agreed and Frankie said he would go first so he went out to pick his song.

The lights on the stage came on and Frankie proceeded to punish the crowd with an off key rendition of Meatloafs "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)". For some reason his skanky groupies loved it and went wild, it looked like Bob would never be able to come back to Buffalo Bills Karaoke Bar & Grill ever again.

Bob ran out the door and we weren't sure what was up, Frankie saw this as a sign of Bob giving up and started strutting around the bar screaming "I'M THE KARAOKE KING, KING FRANKIE, LONG LIVE KING FRANKIE!". At that point I was seriously considering taking a tire iron upside his head.

Suddenly the lights went out in the bar I had no idea what was going on. Then a single spotlight shone on stage and Bob was up there. I said "Oh shit" to myself because I saw what he was wearing and I knew what was coming.

Bob was wearing an outfit he reserved for only the most serious of occasions. Let me see if I can accurately describe it. Picture a 37 year old man, unshaven who's about 6'2 and 240 pounds wearing:

-Electric Lime Green Go Go Boots
-A Periwinkle Pattern Man Thong over Pink Bike Shorts
-2 Sizes Two Small KOOL cigarettes Shirt (the super fancy one you get for sending in 4,902 proofs of purchase. Not the cheap 3,000 proofs of purchase one) with the bottom half below the KOOL cut off
-Snorkel Mask
-Golden Cape

Needless to say Bob immediately had everyone's attention. I realized he took this Karaoke challenge VERY seriously, I mean the last time Bob busted out that outfit was Senior Prom After Party (I'm only 25 so Bob's 12 years older than me, but he took my best friends sister to our Senior Prom). I wondered which song out of his awesome arsenal he would pick. Would it be Sir Mix A Lot's "Baby Got Back"? Perhaps Run DMC's "Christmas In Hollis"? The dreaded Cyndi Laupers "She Bop" (except Bob turns it into He Bop)? I guess I would have to wait and see.

The music started blasting and I heard Bob going:

Get the funk up!
BATMAN
Get the funk up!
BATMAN
Get the funk up!
"Go, go, go with a smile!"
BATDANCE
Do it
Keep bustin'

My GOD IN HEAVEN, he had pulled out the heavy artillery. This was the A Bomb of his song arsenal the dreaded Batdance by Prince. Never had an opponent faced Bob doing Batdance and lived, Bob always won. We were all amazed as he flapped his arms around with his cape and ran all over the stage. During the drum break Bob started popping and locking with some serious authority. We're talking pop and lock pop and lock into electric slide into the robot into a windmill into a headspin into a suicide this was turning all the broads there wild. The excitement, the electricity was building in the air, the ladies were panting and the going wild.

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
I wanna bust that body
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
I wanna bust that body right
"I'd like 2"
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
"But he's out there right now"
I wanna bust that body
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah 2 night

Bob sang this as he laid on the ground violently thrusting his pelvis up, at that all the top heavy broads in the bar started throwing their bras up on stage. I looked back to see Frankie, he face was a mix of rage, shock, and awe.

The roar of applause from the crowd was getting to the point where it was almost deafening I looked over to see one old geezer grabbing his head and blood was spurting out of his left side. Apparently the applause was so loud his hearing aid exploded, it was that crazy.

Finally Bob finished Batdance to a huge ovation from the crowd and at that point something like 87 Top Heavy Broads rushed the stage and carried him into the bathroom. I don't what went on in there all I know is when Bob came out two hours later he looked like he had been through a war zone.

Bob axed where Frankie was so he good rub some salt in the wound. We told him that Frankie left crying and went running out the bar door. At that point I was probably on drink number 23 and I as the most sober person in my group AND the designated driver. Luckily my pad was only about 2 blocks away so we just walked back to the apartment complex.

When we got back we found Frankie sitting on the steps, I don't think I have ever seen a more pathetic sight in my life. Here's Frankie freakin drunk, wearing Bob's snorkel mask, holding a beer, and he's got a water gun full of rum that he's taking shots from. I even took a pic of it, here:



Well Frankie was pissed and said we had ruined his life, this immediately brought a smile to my face. I also actually felt a little bad for the guy so I told him if he wanted to hang out with us for the rest of the night he could. We all went up to my place and really started drinking at that point. After a little while Frankie said he was hungry and axed if he could fire up the grill. I told him sure he could then went to go use the bathroom. Well when I was in the rest room I missed Frankie discovering I was out of charcoal lighter fluid so he went back to his place to get..... a certain something.

So I finish using the bathroom and go back into the living room. From outside I can hear Frankie dragging my grill (which was downstairs) out away from the complex. While playing some Halo 2 we suddenly heard a KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHUMPPPPPPPPP! this huge crashing sound and when I looked out the window I saw this unholy orange light bathing the walls and then the sound of Frankie screaming.

We all ran outside on the walkay and looked down the stairs. Let me see if I can accurately describe what I saw. My grill is lying on it's side..... ON FIRE burning coals are all over the place including the grass, Frankie is dancing up and down with part of his leg on fire and lying near the grill is a freaking GAS CAN! You know the kind you use to fill your lawnmower or whatever up. It's spouting flames and I am guessing burning gas is what's streamed all over the parking lot.

So like I said Frankie is screaming and his right leg is on fire. We're all yelling for Frankie to stop drop and roll which he starts doing. But because he's so fat he can't really roll all the way around. Bob saw the water gun and decided to help. So he pumped up that Super Soaker about 30 times then hosed Frankies leg down...... the only problem was like I had said earlier Frankie had filled it with rum and was taking shots from it. So the rum just caught on fire which made it even worse for Frankie. Finally someone brought out a hose and put the fire on Frankies leg out.

I look at Frankie, he looks right back at me and goes "Huh, I guess I shouldn't of done that". The fucking idiot tried to use gasoline to start the fire in the grill because I was out of charcoal lighter fluid. Well some of the flaming gasoline sprayed on Frankie's parents car which promptly caught on fire. I could hear the sirens of the fire trucks coming but they still sounded like they were a mile or so away.

By this point like almost all of the apartment complex was outside looking at this debacle. Frankies parents came out side and started screaming at him, his dad even punched him in the balls. Well the fire department and police finally show up. After about 15 minutes they have the fire under control but Frankies parents car was totally gutted by fire.

The police axed what happened and we told them. They then ran Frankies name through the computer and saw he was on probation and under 21 so he violated the law by drinking and this act of stupidity. So they hauled his ass off to jail and I am pretty sure he's going back to county jail for at least a year for violating probation.

Damn......all this plus Webster gets back next week. I can't wait to see how he reacts to all this.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

If There Really Is A Just And Loving God Hurricane Katrina Wouldn't Of Hit New Orleans......It Would Of Hit The MTV Video Music Awards

I am just absolutely amazed at the level of death and destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina. Every day I pray that the victims will be able to put their lives back together and be safe. But another....darker side of me looks at the opportunity wasted by Hurricane Katrina.

One woman they interviewed outside the Superdome said that the Hurricane was "The Hand of God", I thought about that for a moment and decided she was 100% wrong. If this hurricane truly was the act of God it would of hit the MTV Music Video Awards.

The MTV Video Music Awards represent all that I hate in life, and is filled tons of people who just make my head explode when I realize they have more money than I ever will. I mean the only other way I could see all these idiots getting killed would be if they all got on a jumbo jet and it crashed into a volcano, but that would just be unreasonable to expect.

But would it be too much to hope God would direct the Hurricane so it lands directly on top of the awards show? Is that too much to ask God? I mean have it collapse into a mini Hurricane so only that area is hit, nothing else.

I know what some of you are saying "Carnonymous if you hate The MTV Music Video Awards why don't you just turn the channel". It's for the same reason I can't change the channel whenever My Super Sweet 16 is on. I absolutely hate and loathe those people and want to watch it to piss myself off even more.

Want to know my reasons for praying for a Category 102 Hurricane to hit the MTV Awards. Fine here's some of the so called "highlights" of this turd show:

-Mike Jones rapping. Does anyone else think this guy sounds like Cookie Monster just slowed down like 1,000 times kinda like an old walkman where the battery was dying? Absolutely no talent whatsoever.

-Green Day and My Chemical Romance proving that "rock is back". My ass they're pop music now, nothing else. Plus it was kinda cool when Green Day dressed that way 10 years ago, but now a mid 30's guy wearing heavy eye shadow and all the crap they wear just looks sad. These are the type of people you beat up in high school, or laughed at when other people beat them up let's be honest. Now a whole new generation of faggy emo kids are gonna do blogs and have Blvd Of Broken Dreams playing on their website to prove how angst filled they are. Excuse me I have to go vomit now.

-Puff Daddy, excuse me P. Diddy, ooops sorry, Puffy, oh my bad Diddy "conducting" that orchestra. When I first saw the promo for the show where Sean Combs was saying he was changing his name to Diddy because he thought the P was getting between he and his fans I laughed my balls off and thought "damn Combs actually has a pretty good sense of humor". Then I found out it wasn't a joke and 100% serious. I blacked out at that point and when I awoke my walls were covered with blood and a dead hobo laid in my living room. Anyone who used to be a musician, or in band, an orchestra etc probably wanted to vomit as much as I did when they saw him conducting. It looked like he was having a seizure and was spazzing around the place. I wanted to take that goddamned baton and beat him over the head with it.

-The Latino rap fest hosted by Big Pun, or was that Fat Joe? Are they really two different people? I know Big Pun supposedly died, but I swear to god they're the same people. For anyone that thought Puerto Rico and South America was full of broke, dirty, stupid, ethnic stereotypes....well the Latino rap fest pretty much proved them right.

-R "I Like To Piss On 12 Year Old Girls" Kelly lip syncing his song "In The Closet" and acting out all the parts. Seriously.....what the fuck happened to R. Kelly? The guy went from the "I Believe I Can Fly" dude to this pile of shit. They should of played his sex tape in the background on those jumbotrons at least then the audience would of gotten a laugh.

About the only parts of the show I enjoyed was Shakira (for obvious reasons) and seeing Gwen Stefani looking so incredibly pissed off when she lost to Kelly Clarkson. Besides that the show pretty much fucking sucked.

When I heard that a hurricane was forming in that area, and I then heard "Diddy" say the show would go on hurricane or no hurricane I immediately started to pray. This was my prayer:

"Jesus....oh great Jesus I love you so much lord. You are great and powerful Jesus (I figured a little flattery should help) no one is above you. In case you haven't heard Jesus a hurricane is forming near Florida. The MTV Video Music Awards are also in Florida Jesus. I am sure this must be part of your fathers plan, the coincidence is just to great Jesus. But just in case it isn't I wanted to let you know of the tremendous opportunity you have.

Jesus...The Ying Yang Twins....Puff Daddy...Mike Jones...Gwen Stefani...Clay Aiken...My Chemical Romance...it's just too good an opportunity. That would be like having Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot all in one room and you can drop a bomb on them. I mean Jesus these are the same people who thank you all the time and you know they don't' mean it.

I mean Jesus...you really can't be the reason Fat Joe can rap about bitches and ho's can you? The Ying Yang Twins say without you nothing is possible, prove it lord...DESTROY THEM. Oh great Jesus please answer my prayers, all I ask is for a Category 329 Hurricane to land directly on the award show. Nowhere else Jesus, nobody else has to get hurt just these people.

While you're at it Jesus if you could make sure Steve Harvey, Bam Margera, and those Real Estate Midgets are there as well I would appreciate it lord.

Amen"

Well either The Ying Yang Twins are right or Jesus just didn't check his voicemail because well all know The MTV Awards didn't get hit. So now I'm praying that God look after all those hit by Hurricane Katrina, and just slipping in the occasional suggestion about a massive earthquake swallowing up the Laguna Beach cast and crew.

A man can hope can't he?

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

America Is Becoming More Stupider And Lazier

Jesus Christ I honestly believe this country is heading towards a future where everyone is basically Corky from Life Goes On. Every year we see reports that test scores are going down, acceptance criteria for colleges and jobs are being lowered, we are heading to the point that mediocrity is acceptable. Before any of you turds make a comment on the title of this rant, yes I KNOW I used incorrect grammar, just roll with it baby.

Just yesterday I saw an ad in the local paper looking for help. Here were the requirements, and I shit you not this is true:

-Willingness to show up on time
-Clean personal appearance
-No felony criminal record

I'm sorry but I shouldn't have to advertise that I am looking for those above three items, that should be a fucking given. At my dealership we recently had an opening for a salesperson and put an ad out stating so.

We had well over 50 people show up to fill out applications. Among those that came in to apply for this job, we had:

-At least five individuals show up wearing sweatpants or shorts
-Ten plus people in jeans and (at best) a knit shirt not tucked in
-Five people wearing baseball caps
-One guy with an Afro and scraggly beard
-One person wrote "will explain situation in interview" on their application underneath the question "Have you ever been convicted of a felony offense?"
-Three people showed up smelling of marijuana

Only seven candidates showed up dressed professionally. By professionally all I was looking for was dress pants, a knit shirt tucked in, and a well groomed appearance. Two people showed up dressed in a suit and tie. Guess which candidates got called back for an interview and which did not?

To make matters worse, the most unprofessional of the above applicants (including two of those wearing sweatpants) came in and complained that they were not called back. When we explained the position was filled they said we didn't even give them a fair chance at getting the job. Geez I wonder why.

Another example of growing stupidity in the workplace is our local Wendy’s. I went to this Wendy's two days in a row. I order a hamburger and get a chicken sammich. The first time this happens I call the store up and let them know the problem, they tell me to come back, refund my money and get me the correct order. Great customer service and a great resolution to the problem.

Well the second day I go and order a hamburger. I specifically state "I would like a hamburger, yesterday you guys gave me a chicken sammich by mistake". I get back to my dealership and what do I find....... A GODDAMN CHICKEN SAMMICH.

So I call up the boss and complain again, she apologizes and promises to fix me up again. So I send a porter to get my (what should of been)hamburger....he comes back......ANOTHER GODDAMNED CHICKEN SAMMICH.

So call up the big boss at the store. Here's a transcript of the conversation

Idiot Wendy’s Manager: Thanks for holding this is Mike can I help you.

Carnonymous The Brilliant: Mooooooooooooooo

Idiot Wendy’s Manager: Excuse me?

Carnonymous The Brilliant: Buck buck Buckkkkkkkkkkkaaaaa!

Idiot Wendy’s Manager: Who is this?

Carnonymous The Brilliant: Do you know what those sounds were?

Idiot Wendy’s Manager: A cow and a chicken?

Carnonymous The Brilliant: Yes they were, and I applaud you. That is obviously the reason why you are the manager at your store, the fact that you can tell the difference between a cow and a chicken. I suggest you hold an intensive training class for your staff, especially Tevon (the order taker) on this difference. Three times I have gone to your store and three times your staff has not been able to tell this most crucial of differences. I am thankful they will never rise above this station in life, because if they were doctors I would probably get my left nut taken out if I went in for tonsillitis.



From that point the manager tried to soothe me with free sammich coupons. I don't want free sammich coupons, all I want is my order taken correctly. It is not that hard.

So I went to Toys R Us and bought one of those kiddies toys where the 2 year old pulls on the cord, an arrow spins around and lands on an animal, then you hear something like "The (whatever animal the arrow points at) goes (animals sound)" and dropped it off at the Wendy’s.

I have not gone back since.

In the schools these days it is virtually impossible to fail a child if you're a teacher. The kid pretty much has to be a complete Mongoloid to get held back, and you have to have it completely documented....even then they may get passed on. I'm sorry but if Jimmy in 9th grade is still reading at a 2nd grade level he has NO CHANCE to ever accomplish anything in this world.

Now they are even integrating the retards into normal classes these days. Back when I was in school they had a special short bus for the retards and a class for all the retards. The only time we ever ran into them was when they undid their chains and let them run around the playground at lunch, half the fucking time the idiots hurt themselves. The goddamn jungle gym was a death trap for the retards.

Today a kid has to go through a battery of tests before he is even CONSIDERED to be put in special ed. The result, children who have no place in normal classrooms are put into them lowering the effectives of the teachers and taking time away from the rest of the kids.

Simply put, the standards are constantly being lowered to the point that Terri Schiavo could graduate high school if they just rolled her into the class room every day so she's counted present.

Fail a standardized test and you're a minority? Well its obvious the reason you failed is that racist fucking paper with ink on it you spent 5 hours trying to comprehend is made so only blonde haired blue eyed white devils can decipher its secret encoding.

I'm sorry but how can a question such as:

5 X 6 =

A. 23
B. 40
C. 6
D. 30

be written in a way that one particular race can understand it more than another?

Apparently it can, because standardized tests are being re-written so that they are easier for minority students to relate to and understand.

So from now on the above question is phrased:

Tyrone be having 5 grams of hash which he sells for $6 each. How much money be Tyrone makin? Holla

A. $23
B. $40 (not 40oz, so don't circle this)
C. $6
D. $30

Mad now? Think the above phrasing is racist? Well I would find it offensive to be told that a question has to be dumbed down and changed to I could understand it since I'm not white.

If the standard keeps getting changed is it really a fucking standard?

I swear people just don't give a fuck anymore, it is now acceptable to a fucking idiot. The only consolation I can take is this makes the professional world easier for the rest of us, and guarantees we will always have plenty of subservient peons ready to pump gas or (hopefully) get your hamburger for you.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here