Frankies Inferno: Pic Of Frankie Inside (The Webster Chronicles)

Wow.....I...I still don't even know how to really explain what just happened here folks. This is probably the stupidest thing I think Frankie (my neighbors fat son Webster's brother) has ever done in his life.

Where to start? Well this past Saturday me and some friends were out drinking and I guess it was Karaoke night at the bar. Well as is the norm we were all drinking heavily. I think between 9PM and 2AM (when we got back to my pad) I must of had a good 25 drinks at least, and I was the most sober person in my group which was good because I was the designated driver safety first I always say. Well it appears Frankie was at the bar too, how he got a friggin fake ID I don't' know. Well Frankie gets up on stage and does this god fucking awful rendition of this Ashley Simpson song La La. He fucking loves that song for some reason don't ask me why.

So my one friend (who we'll call Bob for this stories sake) went up and did this simply fucking amazing version of Billy Idols "White Wedding" that included him dancing around and doing some popping and locking, which made all the broads go crazy.

This only served to piss Frankie off, to put it simply Frankie went beserk. Apparently he was the "King" of that Karaoke bar. You know what I'm talking about, the guy that is the big dog in the tiny shit filled pond called the local Karaoke bar. He was used to all the drunk fat skanks at that bar throwing themselves at him, now all the drunk fat skanks were throwing themselves at Bob.

So Frankie challenged Bob to a Karaoke-off, loser can never go into Buffalo Bills Karaoke Bar & Grill ever again. Bob agreed and Frankie said he would go first so he went out to pick his song.

The lights on the stage came on and Frankie proceeded to punish the crowd with an off key rendition of Meatloafs "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)". For some reason his skanky groupies loved it and went wild, it looked like Bob would never be able to come back to Buffalo Bills Karaoke Bar & Grill ever again.

Bob ran out the door and we weren't sure what was up, Frankie saw this as a sign of Bob giving up and started strutting around the bar screaming "I'M THE KARAOKE KING, KING FRANKIE, LONG LIVE KING FRANKIE!". At that point I was seriously considering taking a tire iron upside his head.

Suddenly the lights went out in the bar I had no idea what was going on. Then a single spotlight shone on stage and Bob was up there. I said "Oh shit" to myself because I saw what he was wearing and I knew what was coming.

Bob was wearing an outfit he reserved for only the most serious of occasions. Let me see if I can accurately describe it. Picture a 37 year old man, unshaven who's about 6'2 and 240 pounds wearing:

-Electric Lime Green Go Go Boots
-A Periwinkle Pattern Man Thong over Pink Bike Shorts
-2 Sizes Two Small KOOL cigarettes Shirt (the super fancy one you get for sending in 4,902 proofs of purchase. Not the cheap 3,000 proofs of purchase one) with the bottom half below the KOOL cut off
-Snorkel Mask
-Golden Cape

Needless to say Bob immediately had everyone's attention. I realized he took this Karaoke challenge VERY seriously, I mean the last time Bob busted out that outfit was Senior Prom After Party (I'm only 25 so Bob's 12 years older than me, but he took my best friends sister to our Senior Prom). I wondered which song out of his awesome arsenal he would pick. Would it be Sir Mix A Lot's "Baby Got Back"? Perhaps Run DMC's "Christmas In Hollis"? The dreaded Cyndi Laupers "She Bop" (except Bob turns it into He Bop)? I guess I would have to wait and see.

The music started blasting and I heard Bob going:

Get the funk up!
BATMAN
Get the funk up!
BATMAN
Get the funk up!
"Go, go, go with a smile!"
BATDANCE
Do it
Keep bustin'

My GOD IN HEAVEN, he had pulled out the heavy artillery. This was the A Bomb of his song arsenal the dreaded Batdance by Prince. Never had an opponent faced Bob doing Batdance and lived, Bob always won. We were all amazed as he flapped his arms around with his cape and ran all over the stage. During the drum break Bob started popping and locking with some serious authority. We're talking pop and lock pop and lock into electric slide into the robot into a windmill into a headspin into a suicide this was turning all the broads there wild. The excitement, the electricity was building in the air, the ladies were panting and the going wild.

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
I wanna bust that body
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
I wanna bust that body right
"I'd like 2"
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
"But he's out there right now"
I wanna bust that body
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah 2 night

Bob sang this as he laid on the ground violently thrusting his pelvis up, at that all the top heavy broads in the bar started throwing their bras up on stage. I looked back to see Frankie, he face was a mix of rage, shock, and awe.

The roar of applause from the crowd was getting to the point where it was almost deafening I looked over to see one old geezer grabbing his head and blood was spurting out of his left side. Apparently the applause was so loud his hearing aid exploded, it was that crazy.

Finally Bob finished Batdance to a huge ovation from the crowd and at that point something like 87 Top Heavy Broads rushed the stage and carried him into the bathroom. I don't what went on in there all I know is when Bob came out two hours later he looked like he had been through a war zone.

Bob axed where Frankie was so he good rub some salt in the wound. We told him that Frankie left crying and went running out the bar door. At that point I was probably on drink number 23 and I as the most sober person in my group AND the designated driver. Luckily my pad was only about 2 blocks away so we just walked back to the apartment complex.

When we got back we found Frankie sitting on the steps, I don't think I have ever seen a more pathetic sight in my life. Here's Frankie freakin drunk, wearing Bob's snorkel mask, holding a beer, and he's got a water gun full of rum that he's taking shots from. I even took a pic of it, here:



Well Frankie was pissed and said we had ruined his life, this immediately brought a smile to my face. I also actually felt a little bad for the guy so I told him if he wanted to hang out with us for the rest of the night he could. We all went up to my place and really started drinking at that point. After a little while Frankie said he was hungry and axed if he could fire up the grill. I told him sure he could then went to go use the bathroom. Well when I was in the rest room I missed Frankie discovering I was out of charcoal lighter fluid so he went back to his place to get..... a certain something.

So I finish using the bathroom and go back into the living room. From outside I can hear Frankie dragging my grill (which was downstairs) out away from the complex. While playing some Halo 2 we suddenly heard a KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHUMPPPPPPPPP! this huge crashing sound and when I looked out the window I saw this unholy orange light bathing the walls and then the sound of Frankie screaming.

We all ran outside on the walkay and looked down the stairs. Let me see if I can accurately describe what I saw. My grill is lying on it's side..... ON FIRE burning coals are all over the place including the grass, Frankie is dancing up and down with part of his leg on fire and lying near the grill is a freaking GAS CAN! You know the kind you use to fill your lawnmower or whatever up. It's spouting flames and I am guessing burning gas is what's streamed all over the parking lot.

So like I said Frankie is screaming and his right leg is on fire. We're all yelling for Frankie to stop drop and roll which he starts doing. But because he's so fat he can't really roll all the way around. Bob saw the water gun and decided to help. So he pumped up that Super Soaker about 30 times then hosed Frankies leg down...... the only problem was like I had said earlier Frankie had filled it with rum and was taking shots from it. So the rum just caught on fire which made it even worse for Frankie. Finally someone brought out a hose and put the fire on Frankies leg out.

I look at Frankie, he looks right back at me and goes "Huh, I guess I shouldn't of done that". The fucking idiot tried to use gasoline to start the fire in the grill because I was out of charcoal lighter fluid. Well some of the flaming gasoline sprayed on Frankie's parents car which promptly caught on fire. I could hear the sirens of the fire trucks coming but they still sounded like they were a mile or so away.

By this point like almost all of the apartment complex was outside looking at this debacle. Frankies parents came out side and started screaming at him, his dad even punched him in the balls. Well the fire department and police finally show up. After about 15 minutes they have the fire under control but Frankies parents car was totally gutted by fire.

The police axed what happened and we told them. They then ran Frankies name through the computer and saw he was on probation and under 21 so he violated the law by drinking and this act of stupidity. So they hauled his ass off to jail and I am pretty sure he's going back to county jail for at least a year for violating probation.

Damn......all this plus Webster gets back next week. I can't wait to see how he reacts to all this.