The Chipmunks: Family Fun Or Animated Pedophelia?

I seriously can't believe that this show hasn't come under the crosshairs of family groups out there. I know what you're saying. "Carnonymous, the Chipmunks was all about good wholesome family fun, how could it possibly be bad?"

Easy, I say. I mean come on think about it. A single guy with three young boys that live with him and they are obviously not his? I mean if a single white guy has three black kids, he could at least say the mom was black and left him/died. These fuckers were a whole other species, which means they weren't his or Dave was a serious freak.

In the Chipmunks universe though Dave is supposedly the father, in fact here's Dave's bio from the official Chipmunks website.

Like any single parent trying to raise three kids, let alone three hyperactive chipmunks, Dave has his patience tested on a daily basis. Not only does he juggle his professional life as the songwriter of the musical trio, he's also the Chipmunks mother, father, and confidant.

Is that not seriously disturbing to you? That means that this family started off with Dave fucking a female Chipmunk, not the best of foundations for a normal healthy family I would say. I honestly think that this could very well be the most fucked up musical family ever, and that includes The Jacksons.

So after Dave's unholy union with their mother (which one can only logically assume was blessed by Satan himself) she suddenly disappears. I think it's fairly obvious that Dave killed her after child birth, I wouldn't be too surprised if he did something horrific with the corpse that sick fuck. I bet the kids still don't get it when he calls their mom "his lucky charm" then strokes what looks like a rabbits foot on his keychain, what a disturbed man.

Then we come to the matter of the way the Chipmunks dressed. Always in just a long t-shirt and no pants. Basically running around in the clothes they probably slept in, very disturbing. I bet that Dave had Alvin and the others climb ladders all the time and he would stand beneath them and "hold it steady".

Did Dave EVER have a date, like ever in the history of the show? Freakin John Arbuckle pulled more trim than Dave, and Dave looked like he made tons of bank managing the Chipmunks.

When you look at any other showbiz family where the dad runs things, he's usually a slick dressed smarmy guy who you just know is pulling all kinds of tail. Joe Jackson was baggin every hobag wanting to meet little Michael (even before he figured out Michael liked boys), Macaulay Culkins parents robbed him blind to party, Lindsay Bigcans dad is freakin awesome that guys so messed up, hell even Jessica Simpson's dad is pretty cool cuz he knows what great floppy knockers his daughter has and you know he's freakin banging chicks left and right backstage.

Dave.....you look at this fucker and you just know he has ZERO interest in chicks. All he does is run around going "Alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll VINNNNNNNN!"

What reason would you force your kids to become child stars, other than to:

-Get fat filthy freakin Bruce Wayne rich off of them
-Tag all the fans you can get your grubby hands on
-Live vicariously through them

Dave did none of that. Am I supposed to think that he was just a really great single dad who plutonicly loved his kids and wanted them to succeed so much he sacrificed his best interests and had zero social life? I think my explanation makes far more sense.

Holy fuck I'm a genius.