I Have Serious Problems With Porno Previews

Since quite a few members of a porno message board apparently like to read my stuff, I thought I would do a rant on something they could take care of. My problem with Porn isn't any of the normal arguments you hear, crap like:

1. Porn is degrading to women: Bullshit I say. Porn, stripping, and afternoon talkshows are really the only industries where women make more than men on average. Unless someone is forcing the girls, or drugging them senseless, I say more power to em. If you want to do that stuff, go for it. But please realize you're a porn star, not a musician for Christs sake. If I see one more VH1 episode where some porn star is trying to actually act as if her band will make it I am going to blow my colon out from shitting my pants cuz I'm laughing so hard. That's a whole other rant though.

2. Porn Ruins Relationships: Again I call bullshit on this. This is just for the ladies. Listening? Okay good, listen up guys like variety. While I completely agree cheating is wrong, porn gives a guy a safe outlet. It's not that we aren't still attracted to you, or don't love you. We just have a biological urge to see other chicks naked. Which would you rather have, a guy crankin one out to a porn movie (and then coming to bed with you and banging the shit out of you) or him nailing the babysitter? I thought so. So the next time you catch your man at the computer takin care of bidness don't frig out on him.

3. Porn Is Bad For Kids: While I don't think a 12 year old needs to be watchin porn, I do think that it's okay for highschoolers and older folks. Let's face it, most parents are too uptight to even talk about the basics of sex with their kids. How in the hell is some 17 year old gonna learn how to put his girl in the reverse cowgirl, or proper oral techniques if mom can't even talk about the basics without getting red faced and leaving.

No my problem with porn is all those crap websites out there and their shitty previews. Like they have some really hot looking broad on the front, great pics of her, and of course the ubiquitous "Click Here For Free Sample Video!!!" button.

So being a guy I click on the link, after all I want to see this chick naked, and we are usually treated to the following things in this 30 Second clip:

-Opening shot of the guy who bangs all the chicks in the videos. Usually of him and his camera guy wandering around looking for chicks to pick up. They of course talk like it's not a given some chicks gonna get picked up, thus proving they are pimps (roll eyes)

-They run into a chick. After a few bullshit question/answers the chick agrees to go back to their place.

-Cut to chick back at their pad stripping. At this point we think, great she's gettin naked. Sweet now the tops off and we're seeing boobs.

Well basically the other 20 seconds of the preview focus on the guys schlong, or shots of the chick getting porked that are from behind so basically man ass and balls take up 2/3rds of the fucking screen. If we're lucky we get a 2 second shot of the chicks upper half and her moaning.

What the fuck guys? Seriously if you want someone to join your site give us what we want, CHICKS not guys schlongs. And please don't try to get too high on yourselves. Look I understand if you want to have some bullshit premise for your site, but don't try to get too much into the story okay?

In fact if any of you could talk to/work for the folks at the artsy fartsy fancy porno studios, tell them to quit making "Art" porns. No body want's to watch porn stars act, or 30 minutes of fucking buildup, or even really any plausible reason for the folks to take their clothes off and start banging.

Every porno scene should follow the following formula:

-Cut to shot of doctors office, bathroom, work office, house, random warehouse

-Cue hot chick running into guy or guy running into hot chick

-Two (three maximum) lines of bullshit dialogue each, cue porno music

-Proceed with the banging

How fucking hard is it???? Apparently harder than I thought, because it seems so many porn writers/directors/"actors" try to think of what they do as art. Look Jenna Jameson, I realize you aren't really a 21 year old college senior who needs to get an A to graduate so you have to do an "oral exam" with your professor, but please.....let that be the most acting you do. The reason your fans watch you is you have a smokin hot body and we like to see you fuck.

People walk out of a Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, or Denzel Washington movie and go "wow what a powerful performance I couldn't believe how great the acting was". No one turns off Big Booty Bingo# 438 and goes "wow I was just blown away with Briana Banks acting in that anal scene, I really believed she was an alien and the only way to survive was to suck a mans life force out by having anal sex with him".

Just stick to the fuckin, and porno website owners make those previews at least 73% more man ass/balls free.