Webster Gets Sent To Fat Camp (The Webster Chronicles)

You guys won't believe what just happened, we will be without a Webster update for a good 8 weeks. His parents just sent him to fat camp, unfreakin real. It's probably too late, what with him being a teenager and being as fat as he is. I guess I should feel responsible for Webster going away, that's what the police say, but I really don't see why.

What happened was I had some frat brothers from college visiting this weekend. All we used to do in college was get super drunk off of cheap beer and get into trouble. Now that we're grown up and adults in the real world, we get drunk off of import beer and get into trouble.

Well what we did Saturday was had a barbecue and drank a crap load of beer. While I was getting the grill ready Webster walked by.

"Hey Carnonymous, are you grilling?" Webster inquired.

"No Webster, I'm just heating these coals and have all this hamburger meat and ribs sitting out for fun. What do you think you retard?" I politely axed

"Why are you grilling Carnonymous?" Webster asked.

"It's a belated Cinco De Mayo celebration Webster if you must know, for my frat brother Carlos here" I gestured towards Carlos, who was about to start pissing his pants cuz Webster had a huge booger hanging out of his nose.

"Well why are you celebrating Carnonymous, you're not Mexican" Webster said.

"Webster you retard, I'm banging that Mexican chick Maria that lives in 432 don't you know that counts. Now get the hell out of here before I call the zoo and tell them a Walrus has escaped"

For some reason Webster went running off crying, allergies or perhaps the onion I was cutting. Well a few hours and a couple cases of beer later everyone was having a really good time. One of my frat bro's wanted to show off the sound system in his car so he went and got the car started and began blasting some tunes.

He decided to show off his sub's he had in his trunk so he popped the trunk. Everyone came outside to admire the power of his subs as they blasted out "Batdance".

"AND WHERE" BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

"AND WHERE" BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

"IS THE BATMAN???" Jack Nicholson/The Joker yelled out through Dave's subwoofers.

After the song was done we all commended Dave on the awesomeness of his sound system. We all started to head back in when Dave started cussing a storm. It seems he locked the keys inside his car, the windows were rolled up, and the sunroof was closed. Dave got so pissed he threw his beer into the trunk and started screaming.

I told him if he would quit inventing curse words he could just go in through the trunk and fold the rear seats down.

"Dude I just spilled beer all over the trunk, I'm not crawling through that and getting my shirt messed up". Dave said.

He did have a point after all, we were all dressed in these really fancy $20 t-shirts from American Eagle. None of us wanted to ruin them, at that point the good lord smiled down upon me for Webster shuffled past us that very moment.

"Hey Webster, want a hamburger buddy?" I axed

"Sure! I would love one, put cheese, and bacon, and mushrooms, and more cheese, and another patty, and..." Webster rumbling off more fattening items

"Wait wait wait, Webster. First I need you to do me and my buds a favor then I'll grill you a hamburger. Dave locked his keys in his car, crawl through the trunk, fold down the rear seats and unlock the door so he can get his keys" I instructed.

"Promise you'll cook me a burger? With everything on it?" Webster axed

I told him yes indeed I would and before I even finished that sentence Webster was jogging straight toward the trunk.

Something odd happened then. The closer and closer Webster got to Dave's trunk....the smaller and smaller it started to look. Webster dove in head first and started squirming his way into the trunk. About 1/3rd of the way in he started yelling and screaming.

"Help, I'm stuck, help you guys, and something's making my shirt all wet" Webster was screaming.

"Goddamit Webster, a woman can squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon and you can't squeeze through one little car trunk?" I yelled.

At that point Websters mom and dad came running (well really just power walking as both of them are extremely fat as well) out their apartment.

"Webster? Webster? Where are you honey? We can hear you yelling, Webster?" Webster's mom yelled.

Webster just continued to scream drawing his parents attention to Dave's car and his lower 2/3rd's sticking out, including his fat legs. I guess his mom recognized his cankles because she let out a scream and went running toward the car.

"What in the fuck happened here? Carnonymous what did you do to my little baby?" She screamed.

"Look we caught Webster drinking a beer so he freaked out and tried to jump in Dave's trunk and he got stuck. When you get him out you'll see he stinks like beer, you guys need to keep your son from drinking he's only a teenager for fuck's sake." I told her

At this point one of the other neighbors, who's a cop, came pulling up. He hopped out and wanted to know what was going on. I repeated myself that we caught Webster drinking (cuz Dave's on probation because he got drunk when we went ATV'in and he ran over this old couple's poodle out at the lake. It's total bullshit, accidents happen you know? We couldn't have Dave going to jail for drinking on probation) and got stuck in the trunk.

Webster started screaming he wasn't drinking. At that point his dad and the cop each grabbed a hold of one fat foot and started pulling, Webster started screaming louder and louder as they began pulling harder and harder. Finally with a scream almost like the famous "Wilhelm" (that's in many movies) Webster popped out.

Websters mom hugged him, then sniffed his shirt and the beer all over it.

"Webster you have been drinking, young man this has just gone too far. You see what your weight has gotten you into? We are going to nip this in the bud before this goes too far." Webster's mom said.

"What do you mean mom" Webster sniffled

"Your father and I have been thinking about this for awhile. We are going to send you to Shady Grove Weight Loss Camp?" She said.

"HOLY FUCK, Websters going to fucking fat kids camp!" I yelled. This immediately made Webster start crying, for some reason the birds sounded a little louder and the sky seemed a little bluer at that moment.

Well the cop said the humiliation Webster suffered was more than enough punishment for him drinking underage so he let him slide, I told Webster he was lucky he got off easy. I wished him a good time at fat camp and told him I would make sure to eat his share of ice cream from the ice cream truck.

Webster started crying and his parents pulled him inside. That was this past Saturday. Monday morning Websters parents left with him early in the morning and dropped him off at the airport to send him to Shady Grove Weight Loss Camp.

Can you believe the little fucker shot me the finger as he was leaving? He should be thanking me, I mean I am partly responsible for him getting sent to fat camp. If he doesn't get this weight thing beat while he's young he's gonna end up the 400 pound guy on the Maury Povich show that has to get a wall of his trailer removed so they can crane lift his fat ass out of bed to take him to a hospital.

Ungrateful little bastard, some people just have no manners.