You Take The Good, You Take The Bad, Goddman Websters Really Fat (Webster Learns The Facts Of Life)

So the other day I finished up work and was pulling up to my pad when I noticed Webster sitting on the bottom of the stairs crying. At first I looked around to see if he had dropped his ice cream, but he apparently had not.

I got out of my truck and approached Webster because I wanted to go up the stairs to my apartment.

"Webster, whats wrong buddy?" I axed (I wasn't really concerned but I had just gotten the latest season of Trailer Park Boys in the mail and wanted to watch it).

"Carnonymous....[sniffle, sniffle, KAWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ], today I asked this girl out....and [sniffle sniffle] she said....she said no...and laughed at me" Webster wept.

Something happened at that moment, I actually felt something in my heart for Webster so I decided what anyone else in my shoes would of done.

I talked to young Webster and said this

"Listen Webster, I want tell you a story. Once I knew a boy who was overweight, smelly, stupid, and nobody liked him. In fact the only person more pathetic than him was his older brother....wait a minute actually I'm talking about your little brother so thats probably not a good example"

Webster started crying again, god this kid is thin skinned. So I tried another approach.

"Listen Webster, I want you to stand up. Come on get up, back straight shoulders back be a man. Let me tell you something, when that girl told you that you were fat"

"Actually she never called me fat" Webster rudely interrupted

"Listen who's talking here you or me?" I said. He didn't say anything and focused on the booger hanging out of his nose so I continued.

"Listen Webster, there's a name for people like this girl. You see people like her only care about things such as looks, wealth, intelligence, and class. They are called people with standards, you have to realize that so long as you're overweight you are going to resign yourself to a fate of either baggin fat broads, or maybe no broads at all.

If you want to get a good looking girl you have to be one of the following things. Smart, wealthy, or good looking. Since your probably never going to advance past 3rd Temporary Special Relief Assistant Manager at Taco Bell due to the fact your an idiot, you're going to have to become good looking.

So do this for me, I want you to stand over there (I pointed away from the stairs) and I want you to start doing jumping jacks. Start and do 50"

Webster started doing this so I ran up the stairs, as I was putting key in my door Webster stopped and yelled my name.

"Carnonymous, where are you going aren't you going to help me get in shape?" He looked up at me with his sad sack eyes.

"Webster, of course I am not going to help you, you're a fat loser. I just wanted you to move so I could go upstairs. But I taught you a valuable lesson today, fattys always come in last".

I'm so glad I could help that young man, one day he's going to make a great fry cook.