Cowboy Troy: AKA Black Folks Get Their Revenge For Vanilla Ice

Seriously folks, it's been fifteen fucking years since Rob Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) blew up with his hit album To The Extreme. Look I realize that a lot of black folks were pissed off about this whole thing, but really fifteen years is a long freakin time to hold a grudge.

I can kind of understand too, I mean here's MC Hammer blowing up like a maafacka making rap a fully legitimate form of music, making tons of bank, and just overall being the shit. Rap was a huge form of music that was pretty much exclusively the territory of black folks. Then in September of 1990 in the middle of Hammer-mania this white boy named Rob Van Winkle drops his album and suddenly Hammer is an afterthought.

Hammer and his parachute pants were replaced with Vanilla Ice......and his parachute pants. Hammer busted out The Adams Family Groove and that fucking honkey Vanilla Ice one ups him with Ninja Rap from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two: The Secret Of The Oooze.

Things really went downhill for Hammer from there and he eventually had to declare bankruptcy. Hammers downfall all started with Vanilla Ice breakin into the black mans domain and really just being an embarrassment. Tons of black folks really hated him for it too.

But Vanilla pretty much destroyed himself with his played out, manufactured image. That really should of been it, leave well enough alone right? I guess freakin not.

Yesterday while flipping channels I caught this guy on CMT......Cowboy Troy. At first I was thinking this was a joke or something, but apparently this is 100% legit. It seems this guy Cowboy Troy is the leading expert in the field of "Hick Hop".

In fact here's Vanilla Troy's Bio on his official website

You see that bag over there? You know, the one with all the adjectives and expectations when it comes to music? Don't even bother picking it up when you start thinking about Cowboy Troy.

This Dallas native has been trumpeted from the stage of global television broadcasts as the world's only six-foot-five black rapping cowboy, yet he's equally at home talking about flamenco guitars, digital downloads, professional wrestling and intricacies of the various dialects of the Chinese language.

He's a smiling enigma wrapped up in a gregarious, beat-heavy, tall and behatted package, only fitting for a man with musical interests ranging from Motown to Mozart to Metallica to Moe Bandy.

Welcome to the emergent era of "hick-hop."

Troy Coleman, aka Cowboy Troy, burst onto the country music fan's consciousness with the multi-lingual breakdown in the middle of "Rollin' (The Ballad of Big & Rich)", the opening track to platinum-selling labelmates Big & Rich's 2004 release Horse of A Different Color. But the University of Texas grad is certainly no novice when it comes to electrifying a crowd.

Now reading that bio left me with a few thoughts:

-It states he's the worlds only 6 ft 5 inch black rapping cowboy.......this leads me to believe there is either a 6'4" black rapping cowboy or 6'6" black rapping cowboy out there.

-The bio makes him sound like he's a true renaissance man. I mean any guy that can talk about digital downloads, pro wrestling, and various Chinese dialects....wow that suddenly makes his Hick Hop style seem more legitimate.

-The statement about him bursting onto the Country Music Consciousness with his breakdown during the middle of a Big & Rich song made me crack up. Basically I have to assume he did a C&C Music Factory style rap break during the middle of a country song. All the white folks who listened to it were amazed at this new style of music this son of Africa brought to them. He's saying words during a song, but not singing, and they rhyme....this must be some kind of voodoo.

In all fairness I decided to give Cowboy Troy a chance and watched the full video of his first single "I Play Chicken With The Train". After picking myself up off of the ground from laughing so hard, it started to dawn on me that this guy may be 100% serious.

The song is freakin horrible. It's this Cowboy Troy guy rapping while Big & Rich play heavy metal style guitar chord progressions (but still on the twangy string guitar) and Troy jumps around on stage. It's simply fucking awful.

Here's an example of some of his lyrics. These are probably the hardest fucking lyrics I have ever heard, doubtless coming from a hard life on the skreet. The only maafacka out there I can think with harder lyrics is Aaron "I'm headed to gay porn" Carter.

Hold 'em up,
Here we go,
All the Hicks and Chicks feel the flow,
Big black train coming round the bend,
Go on kin folk tell your mom and them,

Chugg a lugga [3x],
Who? The big black neck commin' through to you boy you done fell and bumped you head uh huh,
That's what they said,
People say it's impossible, not probable, too radical,
But I already been on the CMA's,
Hell Tim McGraw said he liked the change,
That he likes the way my Hick-hop sounds and the way the crowd screams when I stomp the ground,
Now, big and black, clickty clack and I make the train jump the track like that
From my deep decent deep into your ear,
My voice is your choice that you wanted to hear,
Southern boy makin’ noise where the buffalo roam,
Less denim an’ bone that you might have known.
See me ridin’ into town like a desperado,
With a big belt buckle,
The Cowboy Dorado,
All over the World Wide Web you'll see download CBT on that MP3,
Speak clearly what I’m sayin’ so you comprehend in the name of Hick-hop radio tune in,
Rollin’ like thunder on to the scene,
It's kinda hard to describe if you know what I mean.
I never claimed to be the hardest of the brother’s hard rock,
But I'm booming out the box,
Skills got you jumping out your socks.
From Texas here I come movin' your body with the bass kick drum.

Goddamn, Cowboy Troy is harder than even NWA. He makes Easy E look like a little school boy bitch doesn't he?

This obviously isn't marketed towards real country music fans, but probably towards white college students that will go see a Cowboy Troy show. You have to remember though folks these are the same frat daddy’s and sorority sluts that spend weeks planning a "White Trash Party" and that’s a serious part of their life.

I can only think of two possible reasons why this guy is doing his Cowboy Troy bit.

1. White folks have put him up to it and he's doing the modern day version of a little soft shoe (very unlikely)

2. He's harbored a grudge for all these years against whitey, and especially Vanilla Ice.

I can just see it. Here's Cowboy Troy sitting at home in his apartment thinking about how much he still fucking hates Vanilla Ice. So he thinks "what I can do that will hurt white folks and their music as much as Vanilla Ice hurt Hammer and rap?". Then a thought came to him. What are those last bastions of honkeydom that the black man really hasn't entered and taken over?

Golf? Nope Tiger Woods has done that.
Tennis? Nope the Williams brothers (Serena & Venus) have dominated that.
Ballroom Dancing? Nobody gives a fuck about that.

Then it came to him. "Hey White folks still have a stranglehold on C&W. I'll find some way to break into it and ruin it for them all. Now what do the true hard core C&W Honkeys hate more than anything. I know rap....so....if I blend rap....with country....and call it Hick Hop.....my god....... this could be a Weapon Of Mass Honkey Destruction".

So he went down to the local Cavenders Boot City, bought himself a Cowboy outfit and started rapping at Country Shows. Yeah, this gimmick will only last for awhile but I guarantee you that:

-Cowboy Troy will be a multi-millionaire and that will come from taking TONS of stupid white folks money who buy his CD, tour tickets, Hick Hop Hictionary Book, etc
-Tons of white folks will really get into it and take it seriously then feel like retards when the Hick Hop craze goes the path of the Latin invasion and dies
-He will anger a ton of C&W conservatives

Then he will get out of the game, and much like all those folks that were Vanilla Ice fans he will leave his followers in shame. Cowboy Troy albums will be relegated to guilty pleasure status and done as goofs at Karaoke bars, but all the while Cowboy Troy will be laughing his balls off at how he got back at whitey for Vanilla Ice.

You know what I just realized? I fucking hate country music so why do I even care about this? Cowboy Troy's just going to be taking money from the same poser white folks that wear trucker hats one week then pop their collars the next cuz that’s in style (but they say they are being original). I fucking hate those people, take their money Cowboy Troy.

Holy shit.....Cowboy Troy is a genius. So there are other people out there almost as brilliant as I am. Notice I said ALMOST.