Webster Plays Paintball (The Webster Chronicles)

So this past weekend my brother (who I'll refer to by his message board handle CoconutPete) was down in town to move some of his stuff back into our folks place for the summer.

He came over Saturday to grill and watch some Trailer Park Boys with some friends, and ended up crashing at my pad (what a wuss you would think a college boy could still drive home after drinking 16 beers).

Well Sunday morning dawned clear and beautiful, and I woke up at the crack of 11. I headed outside to get the paper and one of my neighbors informed me the apartment complex was having a complex event at the local paintball field.

We could get in for free and would only have to pay for paintballs and gun rentals. I said naw, I would probably skip when I saw it......

It was Webster, my neighbors fat sun dressed in BDU's (camo fatigues) and with a paintball mask in hand. Suddenly paintball sounded very good.

"Hey Webster,...... you aren't........... going to be playing paintball later today are you?" I asked.

Webster informed me he would indeed be playing. At that point I went running back up the stairs and burst into my apartment.

"Everyone GET THE FUCK UP" I yelled "We're playing Paintball today!"

So everyone got up and got cleaned up, breakfast (really lunch I guess), and dressed for paintball. We arrived at the paintball field, just as everyone else was.

"Why in the hell are we playing paintball" my bro inquired.

I simply pointed towards the snack bar area. CoconutPete turned and followed my line of site to see Webster eating some nachos and getting cheese all over his bdu's, thus destroying his camouflage.

"Oh you sick bastard" CoconutPete said with a grin. I only grinned and nodded agreement.

We both decided to go all out and get a pair of TurboDeath5000's the best gun the paintball field offered. This thing literally shoots like 500 rounds a minute, its freakin awesome.

It came time to pick teams and we started to play. I am not sure what game we were playing, I think it was capture the flag, all I know is for the first three games CoconutPete and I were playing "Hunt The Webster". At one point CoconutPete was probably 20 yards away from the enemy flag and could of made a clean dash to get it, but we decided pegging Webster 20 times was more important.

It was awesome, like a real life version of Halo 2. Except instead of fighting badass aliens like the Covenant, we were hunting a different species of asthmatic, pasty white, fat aliens with severe body odor. Still it was a lot of fun, this one time Webster started running as soon as he saw me and CoconutPete but he slipped and feel and CoconutPete started pegging him with paintballs. Webster let out a Roger Rabbit-esque "puh puh puh puh puhleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze" cry as CoconutPete and I laughingly administered paintball justice.

After about 5 games everyone decided to re-pick teams. I was Captain of my team and I made CoconutPete my first pick (of course), but I shocked the rest of the folks there when I picked Webster with my second pick.

"Carnonymous, WTF do you think you're doing dude? Webster sucks" CoconutPete whispered.

I told him to just wait and see. Webster was so happy we picked him, because the past two times we picked teams he always got picked last, even after Danny the retarded kid with the prosthetic leg who lives two buildings down.

I gathered team Carnonymous and laid out our battle strategy.

"Okay Victor, you take those two and sweep to the left and stay along the buildings and old cars for cover. Debra you are a woman so just stay back and shoot randomly. Lance you sweep right with Will and Greg, I want one of you to take that tower and use it for covering fire for Victors team.

Steve and Sue you are on defense, pick a couple spots for sniping. CoconutPete and Webster come with me, we are going to assault the enemy up the middle".

CoconutPete was staring at me as if I had lost my mind. Webster tried to be stealthy, but due to the fact that he had been shot at least 97 times this afternoon his camouflage was no more (since he was covered in bright paint), and every time he tried to stay quiet and sneak around he ruined it with his usual KaWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZEPA.

I just told CocontPete I knew what I was doing.

The air horn sounded and everyone ran out to do their tasks. I told Webster that since he was the best player on the team he should lead in front of me and CoconutPete. We started advancing and after about 30 yards of power walking (since Webster couldn't really run we had to trot fast) we came under fire.

I immediately dove behind Webster as he took about 20 hits straight to the chest. CoconutPete finally saw the genius of my plan. He and I camped out for 5 minutes until Webster came back in the game.

We then proceeded to do this process again several times. We would advance with Webster on point and every time the fire started pouring in we would dive behind our chubby human shield and let him get hit.

At one point Webster started crying like a little girl. "Why do I always have to be the one that gets shot?" he whined.

"Webster, god you have to take point because your fat. You have rolls of blubber around you, like a Walrus so it hurts you less than it would me and CoconutPete. God think of the team you retard, you are seriously not a team player get with the program"

Could you believe Webster decided to quit????? WTF???? So he started crying and started sneaking off. We decided that this Benedict Arnold couldn't go unpunished.

"Hey look, its Webster from the other team" I yelled, immediately the buildings around us erupted with gun fire pegging poor Webster like Denzel Washington at the end of Training Day.

At that point the day was pretty much over, so me and CoconutPete headed out. Man what a great day.