Live 8: The Worlds First Transcontinental Circle Jerk

Why is it that musicians, actors, and celebrities are under the mistaken impression that they can change the world simply through speaking about something? You want to "raise awareness" by holding a concert? Shit lots of things raise awareness, like drugs. Personally I think holding a weed-a-thon while Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon is sync'd up with The Wizard of Oz will do just as much for Africa as Live 8 is going to. I'm sure they have good intentions, I really do but it seems that these "awareness" events that they do end up degenerating into several things:

1. Huge backstage clashes of celebrity egos

2. Hours and hours of millionaire celebrities telling us what we should do for poor people.

3. Hours and hours of rich ass celebrities patting themselves on the back for how great they are.

It seems that they almost look forward to something horrible happening so they can host a rock concert. I kind of picture this super secret hideout that rock stars and actors hang out at to monitor world events and upon seeing some disaster immediately start planning a concert.

It would probably look kind of like this.



Don't tell me you can't picture that really happening either. It's seems these gabillionaire celebrities can't seem to wait for the next opportunity to tell the unwashed masses what to believe in and do. I am sick and fucking tired of all of their faux caring about the world, they do it just to get attention and to fulfill some sick inner desire for attention. I'm going to start calling these douchebags Celibs instead of celebs.

Live 8 could of been legitimate, it really could of. Here's how:

1. All performers perform for free: As far as I know this did happen, great they actually got one thing right. Of course I guess free is subjective when rule number 2 is broken......

2. To keep costs at a minimum there will be no extravagant catering, backstage area, or gifts for celebrities: Apparently these Celibs were so concerned for starving Africans they decided set the tone and dine on lobster and caviar, drink from a fully stocked bar, had individual dressing rooms designed for the big stars desires, got $7,000 goodie bags, and much much more. Madonna of course had to drink Kabbalah water, then goes on stage and talks about how she feels for the plight of Africans. What a crock, try drinking dirty mud puddle water you turd.

3. Those performing that tell us we need to donate money must automatically donate 5% of their net wealth to Africa: There's nothing quite so condescending as that fake accented chameleon Madonna (excuse me, ESTER, although I bet her checks say Madonna on them) telling me what to do with my money. It's easy to tell us unwashed masses that we aren't doing enough when you're so loaded you have 5 homes, a fleet of cars, and private airplanes. Considering that there was probably a combined several BILLION dollars net wealth at the various Live 8 concerts this would probably either kill the show, or generate a shitload of money.

4. Celibs are told to pull their heads out of their asses and realize they are supposed to be donating their time for the greater good, not personal glorification: Those poor starving Africans dying of AIDS need to shut the fuck up, they have no idea what real pain and suffering is about. I bet they didn't know that Brad Pitt (who graciously donated two minutes of his time on stage) didn't' have his own dressing room which infuriated him, or that Paul McCartney got his feelings hurt when Victoria Beckham ran off to hug a friend. I mean how could she disrespect Paul at HIS SHOW, he purposely strode all over the backstage area making everyone know this was Paul McCartneython. What a bitch, I mean come on Africans all you have to deal with is AIDS, corrupt governments, ethnic cleansing, and famine. Get over it, Madonna almost had to drink something besides Kaballah water THAT'S true suffering.

You guys don't' think this shit happened? Check out http://www.thisislondon.com/showbiz/articles/19692803?source=Daily%20Mail&ct=5

5. Celibs who criticize governments for not giving enough money to Africa, or for frivolous spending that could help Africa must agree to look at themselves and practice what they preach: Hey Rod Stewart want to feed Africa? Try cutting off your worthless whore of a daughter, the money you spend supporting her could probably feed at least two or three African nations. Same goes for you Lionel Richie.

Elton John, maybe instead of buying 500 pairs of diamond studded glasses for your dog you could donate the cost of 10 of them to an African food bank. Just a thought.

6. CHARGE FOR TICKETS: Jeezus you're trying to help Africa but you don't charge for tickets? I mean come on, charge $50 a ticket and you'll raise tens of millions for Africa. Awareness is great but it doesn't put food in stomachs.

7. Celibs must sign a piece of paper where they recognize the concert WILL CHANGE NOTHING: Africa is hopelessly broken and the celibs want to treat the symptoms but not the disease. Want to fix Africa? Start from the top, the governments. The majority of them are so incredibly corrupt and oppressive they're why so little aid money actually gets to the people. Raise awareness about General Mugombo of Mugombia's record of taking aid money and buying Bentleys, that would probably do more good. Wait that couldn't be the real problem could it? Oh no it just because the rich evil nations don't give enough money and are holding those huge debts over the African nations. That has to be it.

Probably the most disgusting thing about these events however is the "I'm so fucking wonderful look what I did" glow the celibs then have afterwards. Like Madonna honestly thinks jumping on stage in her $20,000 outfit (with a belly full of Lobster and Kaballah water) wailing away for awhile and throwing the finger actually helped anyone.



No concert is worth the hours and hours of self important schlock we then have to deal with. As if having to listen to Paul McCartney play isn't enough of a punishment, we then have to watch him on every news show pretty much trying to perform fellatio on himself and talking about how great he is for doing Live 8. Meanwhile Africans will continue to die of AIDS, famine, and goverment/tribal warfare. Great job guys you really made a difference.

God Celibs suck ass.