Attention Fat Broads, If You're A Size 12 You Can't Wear A 2 (Rant + Car Sales Confession)

God why do fat broads think they are sexy? Don't get me wrong, I like a full figured woman. I definitely want my women to look like women, not 12 year old boys that have taken an extended stay at Dachau. Unfortunately that look is back in, as evidence by Lindsay Lohan going from jailbaity goodness, to looking like a common crack whore.

But there are WAY to many freakin women out there that think they have a swimsuit models body when the only calendar they should be posing for is Shamu & Friends. I am not talking about a little curvy, some junk in the trunk or whatever...I am talking A GOOD 150+ lbs OVERWEIGHT. Now these broads call themselves "BBW's" or "big beautiful women".

The words "Big", "Beautiful", and "Woman" should never be together in any 3 word phrase, it just doesn't work. Throw an extra word in there, let's say breasted, and it works. Here's a few examples:

-Big Beautiful Woman: BAD
-Big Breasted Beautiful Woman: GOOD
-Beautiful Big Woman: BAD
-Beautfiul Big Breasted Woman: GOOD

See?

Unfortunately it seem so many of these "big beautiful women" think they are much smaller than they are. It's unreal to see a woman who's 250 pounds with a F.U.P. (do you know what a FUP is? Post the correct answer and the winner get's a prize) wearing tight jeans and a belly shirt. It's not called a belly shirt because everyone wants to see your pasty white jiggling belly. And don't get a fucking belly ring if you have a belly, someone might get confused and attach a trailer to it.

So many freakin fat chicks seem to always use this formula for how they dress:

Fat Chick Size - The First Number In Their Size = How They Dress.

For instance a chick that's a size 18, will dress like she's a size 8. Today at work we had a perfect example of this.

So this chick is working with another salesperson here and she is probably 5'6 and 240 pounds. She is wearing:

-A tank top/belly shirt cut way to low and tight
-Tight short shorts (not tight on a normal girl but on her they were too tight)
-had her hair braided (and she's white so it looks even trashier)

and it is freakin disgusting. Its not called a belly shirt cuz folks want to see your jiggling pooch you fat cow. My buddy who's working her sent me an IM telling me she couldn't buy smoke off a hamburger (although apparently she had bought plenty of McBurgers to go into her gullet) so I should feel free to drop some insults on dat azz.

She caught me staring at her and said "what? I bet you ain't seen nothing like this before" and motioned her hands over her body.

After a few involuntary gagging motions, I informed her she was correct. I had never seen anything like that before, and prayed to god I never would again unless I accidentally surfed onto www.fattys.com

She shook her head Loquisha style and said "uh uh, I KNOWS you didn't just say dat" (this broad is white too so that's even funnier), "you wish you could hit this and get up into my Juicy Juice, I'd break you in half honey".

After an extended bout of gagging at the Juicy Juice remark, I told her I am sure there's lots of things she could break in half, including my desk if she sat on it so I would like it if she left.

She stormed out, presumably to head to McDonald's. God that broad was disgusting. I am fairly sure that's the "quality" of poon young Webster will one day aspire too, poor bastard.

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Cowboy Troy: AKA Black Folks Get Their Revenge For Vanilla Ice

Seriously folks, it's been fifteen fucking years since Rob Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) blew up with his hit album To The Extreme. Look I realize that a lot of black folks were pissed off about this whole thing, but really fifteen years is a long freakin time to hold a grudge.

I can kind of understand too, I mean here's MC Hammer blowing up like a maafacka making rap a fully legitimate form of music, making tons of bank, and just overall being the shit. Rap was a huge form of music that was pretty much exclusively the territory of black folks. Then in September of 1990 in the middle of Hammer-mania this white boy named Rob Van Winkle drops his album and suddenly Hammer is an afterthought.

Hammer and his parachute pants were replaced with Vanilla Ice......and his parachute pants. Hammer busted out The Adams Family Groove and that fucking honkey Vanilla Ice one ups him with Ninja Rap from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two: The Secret Of The Oooze.

Things really went downhill for Hammer from there and he eventually had to declare bankruptcy. Hammers downfall all started with Vanilla Ice breakin into the black mans domain and really just being an embarrassment. Tons of black folks really hated him for it too.

But Vanilla pretty much destroyed himself with his played out, manufactured image. That really should of been it, leave well enough alone right? I guess freakin not.

Yesterday while flipping channels I caught this guy on CMT......Cowboy Troy. At first I was thinking this was a joke or something, but apparently this is 100% legit. It seems this guy Cowboy Troy is the leading expert in the field of "Hick Hop".

In fact here's Vanilla Troy's Bio on his official website

You see that bag over there? You know, the one with all the adjectives and expectations when it comes to music? Don't even bother picking it up when you start thinking about Cowboy Troy.

This Dallas native has been trumpeted from the stage of global television broadcasts as the world's only six-foot-five black rapping cowboy, yet he's equally at home talking about flamenco guitars, digital downloads, professional wrestling and intricacies of the various dialects of the Chinese language.

He's a smiling enigma wrapped up in a gregarious, beat-heavy, tall and behatted package, only fitting for a man with musical interests ranging from Motown to Mozart to Metallica to Moe Bandy.

Welcome to the emergent era of "hick-hop."

Troy Coleman, aka Cowboy Troy, burst onto the country music fan's consciousness with the multi-lingual breakdown in the middle of "Rollin' (The Ballad of Big & Rich)", the opening track to platinum-selling labelmates Big & Rich's 2004 release Horse of A Different Color. But the University of Texas grad is certainly no novice when it comes to electrifying a crowd.

Now reading that bio left me with a few thoughts:

-It states he's the worlds only 6 ft 5 inch black rapping cowboy.......this leads me to believe there is either a 6'4" black rapping cowboy or 6'6" black rapping cowboy out there.

-The bio makes him sound like he's a true renaissance man. I mean any guy that can talk about digital downloads, pro wrestling, and various Chinese dialects....wow that suddenly makes his Hick Hop style seem more legitimate.

-The statement about him bursting onto the Country Music Consciousness with his breakdown during the middle of a Big & Rich song made me crack up. Basically I have to assume he did a C&C Music Factory style rap break during the middle of a country song. All the white folks who listened to it were amazed at this new style of music this son of Africa brought to them. He's saying words during a song, but not singing, and they rhyme....this must be some kind of voodoo.

In all fairness I decided to give Cowboy Troy a chance and watched the full video of his first single "I Play Chicken With The Train". After picking myself up off of the ground from laughing so hard, it started to dawn on me that this guy may be 100% serious.

The song is freakin horrible. It's this Cowboy Troy guy rapping while Big & Rich play heavy metal style guitar chord progressions (but still on the twangy string guitar) and Troy jumps around on stage. It's simply fucking awful.

Here's an example of some of his lyrics. These are probably the hardest fucking lyrics I have ever heard, doubtless coming from a hard life on the skreet. The only maafacka out there I can think with harder lyrics is Aaron "I'm headed to gay porn" Carter.

Hold 'em up,
Here we go,
All the Hicks and Chicks feel the flow,
Big black train coming round the bend,
Go on kin folk tell your mom and them,

Chugg a lugga [3x],
Who? The big black neck commin' through to you boy you done fell and bumped you head uh huh,
That's what they said,
People say it's impossible, not probable, too radical,
But I already been on the CMA's,
Hell Tim McGraw said he liked the change,
That he likes the way my Hick-hop sounds and the way the crowd screams when I stomp the ground,
Now, big and black, clickty clack and I make the train jump the track like that
From my deep decent deep into your ear,
My voice is your choice that you wanted to hear,
Southern boy makin’ noise where the buffalo roam,
Less denim an’ bone that you might have known.
See me ridin’ into town like a desperado,
With a big belt buckle,
The Cowboy Dorado,
All over the World Wide Web you'll see download CBT on that MP3,
Speak clearly what I’m sayin’ so you comprehend in the name of Hick-hop radio tune in,
Rollin’ like thunder on to the scene,
It's kinda hard to describe if you know what I mean.
I never claimed to be the hardest of the brother’s hard rock,
But I'm booming out the box,
Skills got you jumping out your socks.
From Texas here I come movin' your body with the bass kick drum.

Goddamn, Cowboy Troy is harder than even NWA. He makes Easy E look like a little school boy bitch doesn't he?

This obviously isn't marketed towards real country music fans, but probably towards white college students that will go see a Cowboy Troy show. You have to remember though folks these are the same frat daddy’s and sorority sluts that spend weeks planning a "White Trash Party" and that’s a serious part of their life.

I can only think of two possible reasons why this guy is doing his Cowboy Troy bit.

1. White folks have put him up to it and he's doing the modern day version of a little soft shoe (very unlikely)

2. He's harbored a grudge for all these years against whitey, and especially Vanilla Ice.

I can just see it. Here's Cowboy Troy sitting at home in his apartment thinking about how much he still fucking hates Vanilla Ice. So he thinks "what I can do that will hurt white folks and their music as much as Vanilla Ice hurt Hammer and rap?". Then a thought came to him. What are those last bastions of honkeydom that the black man really hasn't entered and taken over?

Golf? Nope Tiger Woods has done that.
Tennis? Nope the Williams brothers (Serena & Venus) have dominated that.
Ballroom Dancing? Nobody gives a fuck about that.

Then it came to him. "Hey White folks still have a stranglehold on C&W. I'll find some way to break into it and ruin it for them all. Now what do the true hard core C&W Honkeys hate more than anything. I know rap....so....if I blend rap....with country....and call it Hick Hop.....my god....... this could be a Weapon Of Mass Honkey Destruction".

So he went down to the local Cavenders Boot City, bought himself a Cowboy outfit and started rapping at Country Shows. Yeah, this gimmick will only last for awhile but I guarantee you that:

-Cowboy Troy will be a multi-millionaire and that will come from taking TONS of stupid white folks money who buy his CD, tour tickets, Hick Hop Hictionary Book, etc
-Tons of white folks will really get into it and take it seriously then feel like retards when the Hick Hop craze goes the path of the Latin invasion and dies
-He will anger a ton of C&W conservatives

Then he will get out of the game, and much like all those folks that were Vanilla Ice fans he will leave his followers in shame. Cowboy Troy albums will be relegated to guilty pleasure status and done as goofs at Karaoke bars, but all the while Cowboy Troy will be laughing his balls off at how he got back at whitey for Vanilla Ice.

You know what I just realized? I fucking hate country music so why do I even care about this? Cowboy Troy's just going to be taking money from the same poser white folks that wear trucker hats one week then pop their collars the next cuz that’s in style (but they say they are being original). I fucking hate those people, take their money Cowboy Troy.

Holy shit.....Cowboy Troy is a genius. So there are other people out there almost as brilliant as I am. Notice I said ALMOST.

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Webster Plays Paintball (The Webster Chronicles)

So this past weekend my brother (who I'll refer to by his message board handle CoconutPete) was down in town to move some of his stuff back into our folks place for the summer.

He came over Saturday to grill and watch some Trailer Park Boys with some friends, and ended up crashing at my pad (what a wuss you would think a college boy could still drive home after drinking 16 beers).

Well Sunday morning dawned clear and beautiful, and I woke up at the crack of 11. I headed outside to get the paper and one of my neighbors informed me the apartment complex was having a complex event at the local paintball field.

We could get in for free and would only have to pay for paintballs and gun rentals. I said naw, I would probably skip when I saw it......

It was Webster, my neighbors fat sun dressed in BDU's (camo fatigues) and with a paintball mask in hand. Suddenly paintball sounded very good.

"Hey Webster,...... you aren't........... going to be playing paintball later today are you?" I asked.

Webster informed me he would indeed be playing. At that point I went running back up the stairs and burst into my apartment.

"Everyone GET THE FUCK UP" I yelled "We're playing Paintball today!"

So everyone got up and got cleaned up, breakfast (really lunch I guess), and dressed for paintball. We arrived at the paintball field, just as everyone else was.

"Why in the hell are we playing paintball" my bro inquired.

I simply pointed towards the snack bar area. CoconutPete turned and followed my line of site to see Webster eating some nachos and getting cheese all over his bdu's, thus destroying his camouflage.

"Oh you sick bastard" CoconutPete said with a grin. I only grinned and nodded agreement.

We both decided to go all out and get a pair of TurboDeath5000's the best gun the paintball field offered. This thing literally shoots like 500 rounds a minute, its freakin awesome.

It came time to pick teams and we started to play. I am not sure what game we were playing, I think it was capture the flag, all I know is for the first three games CoconutPete and I were playing "Hunt The Webster". At one point CoconutPete was probably 20 yards away from the enemy flag and could of made a clean dash to get it, but we decided pegging Webster 20 times was more important.

It was awesome, like a real life version of Halo 2. Except instead of fighting badass aliens like the Covenant, we were hunting a different species of asthmatic, pasty white, fat aliens with severe body odor. Still it was a lot of fun, this one time Webster started running as soon as he saw me and CoconutPete but he slipped and feel and CoconutPete started pegging him with paintballs. Webster let out a Roger Rabbit-esque "puh puh puh puh puhleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze" cry as CoconutPete and I laughingly administered paintball justice.

After about 5 games everyone decided to re-pick teams. I was Captain of my team and I made CoconutPete my first pick (of course), but I shocked the rest of the folks there when I picked Webster with my second pick.

"Carnonymous, WTF do you think you're doing dude? Webster sucks" CoconutPete whispered.

I told him to just wait and see. Webster was so happy we picked him, because the past two times we picked teams he always got picked last, even after Danny the retarded kid with the prosthetic leg who lives two buildings down.

I gathered team Carnonymous and laid out our battle strategy.

"Okay Victor, you take those two and sweep to the left and stay along the buildings and old cars for cover. Debra you are a woman so just stay back and shoot randomly. Lance you sweep right with Will and Greg, I want one of you to take that tower and use it for covering fire for Victors team.

Steve and Sue you are on defense, pick a couple spots for sniping. CoconutPete and Webster come with me, we are going to assault the enemy up the middle".

CoconutPete was staring at me as if I had lost my mind. Webster tried to be stealthy, but due to the fact that he had been shot at least 97 times this afternoon his camouflage was no more (since he was covered in bright paint), and every time he tried to stay quiet and sneak around he ruined it with his usual KaWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZEPA.

I just told CocontPete I knew what I was doing.

The air horn sounded and everyone ran out to do their tasks. I told Webster that since he was the best player on the team he should lead in front of me and CoconutPete. We started advancing and after about 30 yards of power walking (since Webster couldn't really run we had to trot fast) we came under fire.

I immediately dove behind Webster as he took about 20 hits straight to the chest. CoconutPete finally saw the genius of my plan. He and I camped out for 5 minutes until Webster came back in the game.

We then proceeded to do this process again several times. We would advance with Webster on point and every time the fire started pouring in we would dive behind our chubby human shield and let him get hit.

At one point Webster started crying like a little girl. "Why do I always have to be the one that gets shot?" he whined.

"Webster, god you have to take point because your fat. You have rolls of blubber around you, like a Walrus so it hurts you less than it would me and CoconutPete. God think of the team you retard, you are seriously not a team player get with the program"

Could you believe Webster decided to quit????? WTF???? So he started crying and started sneaking off. We decided that this Benedict Arnold couldn't go unpunished.

"Hey look, its Webster from the other team" I yelled, immediately the buildings around us erupted with gun fire pegging poor Webster like Denzel Washington at the end of Training Day.

At that point the day was pretty much over, so me and CoconutPete headed out. Man what a great day.

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Trailer Park Boys Is Sheer Brillance

Pay attention you turds, I very rarely give anything a positive review but this television show has officialy earned the Carnonymous Seal of Approval.


Jimmy The Tard 


Trailer Park Boys is a Canadian television show that is similar in style to Comedy Central's Reno 911 or Fox's Arrested Development. Single camera, documentry style, no laugh track, etc. Simply put Trailer Park Boys is sheer fucking brilliance.

Check out the link on the left hand side of this page for the Showcase website for Trailer Park Boys. There you can find out about the characters and get both season and episode recaps.

Or if you are a lazy fat fuck like Webster you can go here Trailer Park Boys Website


Here are the recaps of two episodes from the Showcase website, trust me if you like this website you will both love and "get" Trailer Park Boys. It follows the two main characters Ricky and Julian as they try to get their life back together after getting out of prison. Seasons One though Four are some of the best television I have ever seen in my life. I am eagerly awaiting Season Five being released on DVD so I can find out what the hell Ricky, Julian, Bubbles, J to the R.O.C, Randy, Mr Lahey, and everyone else has been up to.


The Green Bastard

Today is Lahey's day. Despite the fact that he is no longer the Sunnyvale Trailer Park Supervisor, it seems that Jim Lahey has won the prestigious International Trailer Park Supervisor of the Year Award and they're presenting him with the award today. Lahey plans to lie about his role, convinced that the award is a good thing for the park because it will generate good publicity and increased property value.

Meanwhile, Ricky explains that he's holding a special family fun day to help raise money to buy the park—Barb needs a deposit soon. There are bulldozer rides for the kids and games for everyone: people can even pay to shoot paintball guns at Cory and Trevor. Ricky and Julian show Bubbles a wrestling ring they've set up for him as part of the celebration. Bubbles is thrilled and gets out his old wrestling costume—he's "The Green Bastard" from "parts unknown."

The union of supervisors shows up and Jim gives them a tour of the park. An argument breaks out when Ricky introduces himself as the Trailer Park Supervisor, but no one believes him. Jim tries to assert his power in front of the union by trying to shut down the wrestling area. Ricky won't relent, though, and challenges Jim to a wrestling match. Mr. Lahey agrees but under two conditions: 1) it must be a tag team match with Mr. Lahey and Randy on one team and Ricky and Bubbles on the other and 2) the winner gets the job of Trailer Park Supervisor. Confident of victory, Ricky agrees. But Mr. Lahey and Randy manage to cheat and win the match. Mr. Lahey is presented with the Trailer Park Supervisor of the Year Award and resumes control of the park.

Ricky can't take it anymore—it's all so unfair—so he slams into the union members' cars with the bulldozer. The union people leave outraged and Barb is irate. Julian tells Ricky not to worry: with Ricky relieved of his supervisor duties, they'll now have more time to focus on growing their dope.

Conky

Mr. James Lahey is once again the Sunnyvale Trailer Park Supervisor and is savouring every moment. He's already holding a bake sale to raise money for a fund that he can use at his discretion for the betterment of Sunnyvale. Meanwhile, the Boys find Bubbles trying to extract an infected tooth by tying one end of a string to his tooth, and the other end to the shed door. This strategy doesn't remove the tooth, but it does manage to give Ricky a broken and bloodied nose in the process. Julian stops the bleeding with an old glue rag, which sticks to Ricky's nose.

Julian insists that Bubbles be taken to the hospital so that a doctor can look at his tooth. At first Bubbles refuses—he hates hospitals—but then agrees to go if someone/thing called "Conky" can go with him. Ricky and Julian look at each other: this isn't good. The Boys explain that Conky is the name of a ventriloquist doll Bubbles made in grade six. They also explain that when Bubbles operated the doll, something strange happened to him—he seemed to develop a mean alter ego who was especially fond of insulting Ricky. To protect Bubbles, Ricky and Julian threw the doll in the pond years ago.

When Bubbles insists, the guys go to the pond and find Conky. The effect the doll has on Bubbles is spooky. Almost immediately, Conky starts insulting Ricky. Ricky is soon at odds with the dummy. The guys go to the hospital with Conky offending Ricky the entire time. As soon as the Boys enter the hospital, their problems get worse. Bubbles doesn't have a health card, Ricky is swearing and beginning to hallucinate from the fumes of the glue rag (still stuck to his nose) and Conky is egging him on. Not surprisingly, they are kicked out of the hospital.

Meanwhile, the Boys are still worried about Bubbles' tooth. Suddenly, they see the answer to their prayers: a sign for the newly re-opened Sam Losco Veterinary Clinic. Granted, Sam is a greasy bastard, but he is a trained medical professional. Ricky and Julian go inside to check things out first, while Bubbles waits in the car. While they're gone, Conky stirs up trouble and Bubbles ends up fighting with Randy and Mr. Lahey. Sam panics and shoots Lahey and Randy with a tranquilizer gun. Julian manages to calm everyone down, but not before the cops have been called. Sam agrees to operate on Bubbles in exchange for Julian taking care of the cops, who will be bad for business. By this point, though, Conky has almost taken over Bubbles' personality. Before things can get even crazier, Julian shoots Conky. The spell is broken and Bubbles has his tooth removed. Ricky convinces the cops that Lahey and Randy wrecked the place and passed out, drunk. The cops buy it.

Do yourself a favor, go to Ebay and buy the first four seasons of Trailer Park Boys it will be money well spent. You can thank yourself, and me, later just go buy it NOW.


J To The R, O, C. 

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George Lucas Is Americas Best Paid Whore

Seriously the guy has like a Billion dollars to his name, but he is whoring himself out. I am getting sick and freakin tired of turning on the TV and seeing Darth Vader pimping out M&M's (although I will admit the BK video was funny), Yoda trying to steal some Diet Pepsi, and crap like that.

I think the last straw was when was flicking channels and passed MTV. What do I see, the latest episode of Vive Le Bam, Pimp My Ride, Real World, Real World/Road Rule Challenge, Date My Mom, Room Raiders, True Life, nope..... I actually found some fucking music.

The problem I had with this though was twofold, first of all the band playing was Good Charlotte (that's a whole other rant) and secondly they were playing at Skywalker Ranch. Skywalker Ranch is Lucas's huge pad out in the desert, its like the nerd Graceland.

Well Good Charlotte is there up on stage doing what they do best (suck) and what the fuck do I see? DARTH FUCKING VADER hanging out on stage. Look I realize Vader doesn't exist, but Jesus tittyfucking Christ if he did he sure as fuck wouldn't hang out with Good Charlotte. He'd fucking force choke those bastards and be done with it.

I think that's the moment I realized George Lucas isn't this great creative genius I thought he was (even after Episodes I and II), I realized George is nothing but a filthy fucking whore.

Why not go all out? Seriously if you're gonna do that stuff just go all out for everything. I want to see some other commercials such as:

-Padme for Massengil: She can be talking about how she feels no so fresh, but with this great strawberry douche she's ready for some Anakin love.

-Yoda for Depends: The guys like 900 years old, you know he craps his pants. "When crap his pants Yoda does, special protection does he require."

-Jar Jar Binks For Popeyes: Popeyes has no problem perpetuating the whole black people love fried chicken thing, so why not get Jar Jar to do it. "Meesa Loves some Fried Chicken"

-Samuel L Jacksons character for Magnum Condoms: He can say as a Space Brother he needs Maximum protection from Space Skanks when he's getting his force lovin on.

-Darth Vader For The Latest Styx Tour and Home Depot: He can take the place of Mr Roboto and do some bad ass dancin. Then he can cut a commercial just like this.....


Darth Sellout 

-Chewbacca With A Late Night Flobee Commercial: Actually 23 minutes of Chewbacca roaring and some little English twit going "yes Chewbacca, it does have a clip and suck action" would be pretty freakin funny.

If they ever want to do another Star Wars movie they need to consult a genius like me, not some $10 sucky sucky whore like Lucas.

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Say Hello To Team Angryface

I have decided to bring on a few more writers for Angryface Central : Brillance Defined. These writers have met the strictest of criteria in order to write for this website, namely they are as brilliant as I am. And you all know that nobody is a brilliant as I am, so for them to be writing here is something else.

Allow me to go ahead and introduce Team Angryface:

-Mohammed: The former Information Minister for Iraq underneath Saddam Hussein, Mohammed now is an anchor for "Al Jazeera Sexy Action News At 6". He will occasionally grace us with his presence with a column on everything from current events in the Middle East to his world famous (in Iraq) Holiday TV Specials. Welcome aboard Mo.

-The Reverend Jackson: I am sure our dear Reverend Jackson needs no introduction. He will be chipping in his two cents on a variety of subjects, and while his language and attitude can sometimes be inflamatory it is always insightful.

I would also like to take this opportunity to announce that Angryface Central is partnering up with Modern Freak T-shirts. If you like this website you should LOVE the merch over at this site. The owner is a great guy (obviously since he recognized my brilliance) and I will be writing an EXCLUSIVE monthly column for them that you can't get anywhere else.

Once Phil gets everything firing on all cylinders at his site, we may even introduce a "Carnonymous Collection" of t-shirts. Keep your eyes peeled for that

That's all for now you turds, welcome aboard the new writers and treat them with the same deference and worship that you would me. I know each othe them personally so I can vouch that you will be amazed at their brilliance.

-Carnonymous The Brilliant

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I Make Webster Cry, What A Great Day (The Webster Chronicles)

Today the ice cream man was driving around the complex and I was the last one in line. As I was paying for my ice cream I heard this yell, I looked to my left and Webster was waving his arms and yelling for me to hold the ice cream truck.

I acted as if I couldn't hear what he was saying so he started yelling louder. I again feigned that I couldn't hear him, so Webster started to run......well run for him anyways.

The ice cream dude drove off as Webster got to within about 20 feet of the truck, but by then the effort of running had made him start breathing heavy and he couldn't yell for the truck.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes

"why didn't you stop it" he asked me.

"Webster I'm sorry I couldn't hear you. I didn't know you wanted me to stop the Ice Cream truck" I said and laughed as I walked off.

Webster looked at me, tears welling in his eyes. So I knew exactly what I had to do.

I opened my ice cream sammich and looked at it. "Huh....I just realized I'm full. I really don't want this delicious, chocolatey ice cream sammich". I noticed that young Webster perked up, his eyes full of hope.

"Carnonymous, since you dont' want it can I have you ice cream sammich?" Webster pleaded.

"Well....I guess that would only make sense. I mean, I certainly don't want it. It is paid for, and there's no sense in letting it go to waste" I said. I knew then I had hooked my fat little fish.

"Thank you Carnony....WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Webster yelled as I threw the delicious ice cream sammich in the trash.

"Webster I just remembered you're extremely fat, you don't need any ice cream. You can thank me later when you're able to make it through a doorway with turning sideways" I said as tilted my head back and bellowed loudly as I walked away.

Webster broke down and started bawling, what a great day!

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10 TV Shows I Would Rather Have A Coca Cola Enema Than Watch

I am absolutely amazed at the utter lack of quality entertainment (asides from this page of course) out there. It seems there is no lack of shitty TV shows out there today. Most of them carry the common them of being "reality" TV, but there's plenty of crappy non-reality ones as well. Here's a few of the worst offenders:

1. Celebrity Poker: First of all I fucking hate the poker craze going on right now. I didn't think they could make watching a bunch of losers play poker any more vomit inducing. I was wrong. Whoever said "I know lets get a bunch of G List celebrities and put them on TV playing poker!" deserves a serious nut punch. WHO THE HELL WANTS TO WATCH SCOTT WOLF PLAY POKER WITH GODDAMN KATHY GRIFFIN?????

2. Extreme Home Makeover: Some Ryan Semen look alike (only gayer) picks some family that has had a tragedy, and cuz dad got eaten by sharks they get their crap house fixed up. Whoopee, pass the Coke.

3. The Dog Whisperer: A really really weird guy tries to show people how to discipline their pets. He does such things as talking about becoming the pack leader and crap like that. WOW, this is intense. I am seriously scared that dude screws animals he just weirds me out.

4. Last Call With Carson Daly: I can't stand Carson Daly. I personally hold him responsible for killing music, and for completing the transition of MTV from a Music Network, to complete crap. Thanks to Carson and his TRL bullcrap there are plenty of teeny boppers that probably think there are only 14 or 15 music artists out there. Now he has his own show on network TV where he interviews people, and its basically him kissing ass for an hour. This guy is a huge freakin tool.

5. American Idol: What can I say about this show.....hmmmm how about complete and utter bullshit. As if there aren't enough no talent pop stars in the world, we now have to have a talent contest that makes Star Search seem like high art. We get it okay, Simons a dick, Randy is the worlds whitest black man, and Paula’s a skank that can't say anything bad about anyone. This is the show that is indirectly responsible for "From Justin To Kelly", need I say anymore?

6. The Contender: Jesus Sly must really be hard up for cash. I used to be a Stallone fan, then he went down that long hill. You know the one that started with such flicks as Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot and Judge Dredd. I mean the show is just utterly ridiculous. How many times do I have to vomit at the irony of some guy praying to Jesus to help him before he steps into a ring to try and beat the living hell out of someone else? I would respect Sly more if he went back into porn instead of reality TV.

7. Sex And The City: Fuckin A I can't flick past TBS without seeing either an ad for Sex and The City, or an actual episode. How many times can we really rehash the following plot line "Horny skank 1 can't find love, so she complains to horny skank 2 who is in love, while at coffee with horny skanks 3 and 4. Hilarity ensues when Horny skank 2 realizes she's only with her current f buddy cuz he reminds her of Mr Rogers. Finish episode with all 4 horny skanks having a witty conversation over coffee on why New York is the greatest city ever, but they can't find love." Ladies just start licking poon and get it over with please.

8. Gilmore Girls: Hmmmmm some chick that’s 32 has a daughter that’s 18 who's smarter than her. Fill 20 minutes with witty conversations between mom and daughter that would never happen in real life while completely ignoring the fact that mom was a whore at age 14. Start shaking the Coke bottles.

9. Con With Skyler Stone: I am axing this question in all seriousness. Why in the fuck don't I have a TV show? If this staged piece of shit can get on the air, why hasn't SOMEONE from Comedy Central surfed onto my website, recognized my brilliance, and offered me a television show. The pain I feel watching this show means I think I have to go with Coke with Lime for this one.

10. Seventh FUCKING Heaven: Words can barely describe the complete and utter hatred I have for this television show. Not since......well actually NEVER have a seen a show with such ersatz sickeningly sweet story lines. This show makes Full House suddenly seem like high art. A fucking preacher with 7 kids and a wife who you know never gets any dong all love each other. We get it, everyone’s happy and everyone loves each other. To make it worse I seriously think every other episode is a "Very Special Seventh Heaven". The only special Seventh Heaven I want to see is where an Al Qaeda sleeper cell kidnaps everyone and cuts their heads off, man that would rock.

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You Take The Good, You Take The Bad, Goddman Websters Really Fat (Webster Learns The Facts Of Life)

So the other day I finished up work and was pulling up to my pad when I noticed Webster sitting on the bottom of the stairs crying. At first I looked around to see if he had dropped his ice cream, but he apparently had not.

I got out of my truck and approached Webster because I wanted to go up the stairs to my apartment.

"Webster, whats wrong buddy?" I axed (I wasn't really concerned but I had just gotten the latest season of Trailer Park Boys in the mail and wanted to watch it).

"Carnonymous....[sniffle, sniffle, KAWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ], today I asked this girl out....and [sniffle sniffle] she said....she said no...and laughed at me" Webster wept.

Something happened at that moment, I actually felt something in my heart for Webster so I decided what anyone else in my shoes would of done.

I talked to young Webster and said this

"Listen Webster, I want tell you a story. Once I knew a boy who was overweight, smelly, stupid, and nobody liked him. In fact the only person more pathetic than him was his older brother....wait a minute actually I'm talking about your little brother so thats probably not a good example"

Webster started crying again, god this kid is thin skinned. So I tried another approach.

"Listen Webster, I want you to stand up. Come on get up, back straight shoulders back be a man. Let me tell you something, when that girl told you that you were fat"

"Actually she never called me fat" Webster rudely interrupted

"Listen who's talking here you or me?" I said. He didn't say anything and focused on the booger hanging out of his nose so I continued.

"Listen Webster, there's a name for people like this girl. You see people like her only care about things such as looks, wealth, intelligence, and class. They are called people with standards, you have to realize that so long as you're overweight you are going to resign yourself to a fate of either baggin fat broads, or maybe no broads at all.

If you want to get a good looking girl you have to be one of the following things. Smart, wealthy, or good looking. Since your probably never going to advance past 3rd Temporary Special Relief Assistant Manager at Taco Bell due to the fact your an idiot, you're going to have to become good looking.

So do this for me, I want you to stand over there (I pointed away from the stairs) and I want you to start doing jumping jacks. Start and do 50"

Webster started doing this so I ran up the stairs, as I was putting key in my door Webster stopped and yelled my name.

"Carnonymous, where are you going aren't you going to help me get in shape?" He looked up at me with his sad sack eyes.

"Webster, of course I am not going to help you, you're a fat loser. I just wanted you to move so I could go upstairs. But I taught you a valuable lesson today, fattys always come in last".

I'm so glad I could help that young man, one day he's going to make a great fry cook.

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Maury Povich Is The Worlds Greatest Salesman

I honestly think that Maury Povich is a genius, either that or the best salesman EVER. I actually don't care much for his show, except when he does the following topic:

"I Know You're My Babys Daddy"

Every episode of this that they do usually has the following elements (for each chick, they usually have 3 or so different girls):

-Skanky chick with a kid who isn't married, but "knows" who the dad is. Her usual argument goes along the line of "just look at my daughter, she looks just like him she has his earlobes"
-At least one guy who denys he is the dad and calls the broad a ho/slut
-Maury assuring the girl they will find the father this time

After having the woman tell her sob story of the man she is testing isn't owning up to his kid and not taking care of them (cue audience boos as the camera cuts to the guy backstage sneering/looking tough), Maury calls for the guy to come out and here's what happens.

-Cue crowd boos
-Guy walks out defiantly and yells at crowd "you don't know ME", usually yells at the chick a few times
-Guy sits down and spends 5 minutes calling the chick a ho-bag and saying the kid isn't his
-Girl starts crying, then does a sob story of how this guy was the ONLY person she had been with sexually when the baby was conceived (cue crowd boos again)
-Maury pulls out test results and axes if everyone is ready
-99.99999999999999999999999999999999999237% of the time Maury then says "(guys name) in the case of 6 month old (kids name) you........... are NOT the father
-Cue crowd boos/jeers towards the broad who is now exposed as a lying skank
-Guy jumps up and down and yelling that shes a hobag
-Chick starts crying and running backstage
-Maury starts chasing after his meal ticket
-Maury finds chick crumpled on the ground crying
-Maury promises "it's okay, it's okay, we'll bring you back and we'll help find who the daddy is"

The ones I enjoy the most are where the chick is back for like the 13th time and swears "this time I KNOW he's the father", and she is once again proved wrong. I used to think these things were fake/acted but I am fairly sure there are people out there this sad that it has to be real.

I love how Maury acts as if he really cares for the girl and wants her to find the daddy, hell no Maury doesn't all he wants is for her to come back for the 22nd time for the next "I Know You're My Babys Daddys" episode. But he keeps convincing them to come back every time, damn I wish I was as good a salesman as Maury.

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Carl Winslow Was On The Take (Quite Possibly My Most Brilliant Rant Yet)

Man oh man oh man, sometimes I scare myself with my brilliance. The other day while driving around with some friends we entered into a pretty heated discussion on the show Family Matters. There were two camps of thought on this show:

1. Carl and Family were just a loving, middle class black family trying to make it on love.

2. Carl was such a dirty fucking cop that Vic Macki of The Shield looks like a little bitch compared to him. HOLY SHIT this girl on TV has a great rack...sorry where was I?


Carl Takin Care Of Bidness 

Oh yeah, Carl Winslow dirty cop. I mean come on guys lets face the facts. Cops make shitty money yet Carl had a huge fucking house, was taking care of his slutty sister in law and his momma, and always had cash to bail his son out when Eddie screwed up.

Then there's Steven Q. Urkel, I mean how many freakin times did Urkel fly a rocket pack up through their roof, parchute down through the roof, drive a car into the living room, break tons of shit in the house and whatnot? Yet next week everything was fixed a-ok. That shit wasn't cheap I gurantee you.

Not alot of people remember this, but one of the daughters (Judy) went upstairs at the end of one season and didn't come down ever again, then she ends up in porn. Coincidence? I think not, Carl needed money cuz Urkel broke a priceless Ming Vase he just happened to buy on his cops salary, so he sold his daughter into underage porn. Just horrible Carl, horrible.

Then there was Rachels Place. Carl gave his slutty sister in law the money to open up a restaurant. Just where the hell did Carl get the type of cash to open a restaurant? Underage Vietnemese prostitutes and black tar heroin is my guess.

Well Rachels place burned down like 10 times over the course of the show. Every time a fat insurance check comes in, guess who pocketed a bunch of cash? I will give you two hints, his name starts with C and ends with arl.


Carl Gettin Paid 

I am sure you guys remember when the local gang of street toughts, The Dragons, hassled Rachel at Rachels Place and then burnt it down. Carl managed to track down The Dragons to their super secret hideout (where he probably arrainged gangland murders and drug deals). You have to remember The Dragons were mean suckas, I mean they even had jackets with DRAGONS on them.

So who does Carl send in, the Army, SWAT, Special Forces, ill tempered boyscouts? Nope he sends in Steve Urkel. Let me repeat that STEVE F'ING URKEL. I figure Carl probably thought that The Dragons would sodomize then kill Urkel, thus ridding him of Urkels attention on his daughter Laura.

OR did Carl know something..... did he know that he could rush in and jump in the porta potty and transform himself into Bruce Lee just like Urkel did. Cuz they did that, and proceeded to whip all The Dragons asses. In the European version it was a bloodbath of the likes I haven't seen since Kill Bill Volume 1.

Then there was Urkelbot. Do you guys really think that Steve had all the money sitting around to create a free thinking, fully functional, humanoid robot? Hell no, Carl gave him the cash to create Urkelbot....but he had a sinister purpose. Carl wanted to program Urkelbot to become an assasin droid to take out rival drug dealers and random cripples.

In a quick recap of the episode, Urkel tried to stop Carl from turning his creation into a rampaging death bot so Carl did the only thing any cop in his position would do. Take Urkel out. So he went down to the roughest part of Chicago and brutally beat a 14 year old prostitute to death with a baseball bat and planted Urkels retainer in her anus. When the M.E. did the autopsy he found the evidence and BAM.....Urkels out the picture. This storyline got deleted, but aired in Thailand (the so called "lost" episode) and it totally rocks.


Urkel Gettin Framed 

I am sure many of you are thinking I am reading too much into this, it was TGIF programming and I was just supposed to enjoy it. Uh uh, not me you fuckers. You have to look at how truly evil Carl was.

Holy shit I'm a genius.

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