Hey Gwen Stefani, Blondie Called And She Wants Her Act Back

I really can't stand Gwen Stefani. I had to suffer though her and that crap No Doubt bullcrap all though high school. Now that she's gone solo, which means "hey I just figured out I can pay a backup band 1/10th of 1% that my No Doubt bandmates were getting payed and keep the rest of the money for me", she seems to of found new ways to inflict pain on my ears.

I will give her one thing, she is a pretty hot piece. I mean I would totally give her the best 23 seconds of her life, 30 if she wants to cuddle. But that doesn't excuse the horror she has been putting my ears through lately.

She actually makes me long for the days of No Doubt. They and their crappy ska/punk sound was perfect for her jumping around stage and using her Betty Boop voice. But now that shes gone solo, and has now gone "hip hop/rb" it just completely sucks.

I can't turn on the goddamn radio lately without hearing "if I was rich girl, dananananananananananananananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa". Its everywhere man, TV, radio, Music Videos. I was at the 7-11 and I actually cold cocked this 92 year old lady cuz she was about to open a Pepsi, I hate this song that much and was terrified that it would start playing if she opened it.

I caught her on SNL awhile back and was amazed at her lack of live ability. I am wondering if she is a "studio artist". Like all I saw was her dressed in poser Hip/Hop clothes (nothing says "I Have Street Cred" like a super blonde white girl from Cali who waves her arms around in mock gang signs) and trying to act like she was tough. I would totally like to see her and Jennifer Lopez hang out and do a tour together. It could be called "Posers Unite 2005" and Juggslee could open for them. Hmmmm that gives me an idea for a brilliant rant, I will construct the "Posers Unite 2005" summer tour lineup and post it later.

Anyways all she was doing was walking around and talking/rapping in a monotone voice. I seem to remember a super blonde dye jobbed semi hot chick that used to talk around and do simple rhymes in a monotone voice.....oh yeah SHE WAS CALLED BLONDIE.

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Hillary Swanks Hubby Is A Blubbering Tub Of Poon

My god I absolutely cannot stand Chad Lowe. How this guy can be the real life brother of actor/home porn star Rob Lowe is beyond me. Does anyone else want to vomit when they see him on television?

The guys wife is more of a man than he is. Seriously, please think about it. Can anyone picture Chad Lowe playing the role of a boxer, or a she male? No cuz that would require you to believe he's tough and actually has a dick swinging between his legs.

About the only believable role I think I could cast Chad for would be if they wanted another Queer Eye spinoff, or to host some horrible home remodeling show. They ought to team him up with Rip Taylor and Charles Nelson Reilly.

A couple years ago when his husband won the Oscar for Boys Don't Cry we were treated to the sight of Mrs. Chad Swank crying like a little girl for 10 minutes. Probably cuz he knew he was going to get sodomized by the Oscar statue that night I guess.

It must suck around that time of the month cuz I gurandamntee you there's two people in the Swank household that get periods. What a pussy, I bet Chad cries his eyes out after sex, probably at the sight of kittens and rainbows as well. He and Dick Vermiel should hang out and form a "Grown Men Who Cry" club, at least Vermiel is a football coach (and a damn good one at that) and does something semi tough/manly in his life.

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I Think I'm Going To Torture A Puppy (My One Comment On Terri Schiavo)

So yesterday while out jogging I found this puppy at the park. It seemed his owners must of dropped him off and left him there, cuz he was just laying there staring off into the distance. In fact he really didn't respond to anything at all, I guess he's retarded or something.

Well I've decided that I'm going to strap Lucky (thats what I named him) to a doggie bed until he dies. No food, no water, nothing and I am going to watch him die a long agonizing death yippeeeee!!!!!!!!!!..................



There, now before a bunch of you blow a gasket how IN THE FUCK is this really any different from Terry Schiavos case? How many of you (animal rights activists or not) would be up in arms and sickened by this torturesome way to kill a dog?

I told myself I wouldn't get political on this website but I just had to chime in with my two cents on this. While I am normally a big time conservative on ALOT of issues, I do believe in a patients right to die.

But not like this, why should a human being be forced to die like this when our pets are put to sleep peacefully? Hell those on DEATH ROW are given a faster, non painful, and quiet death by lethal injection.

Look I don't know if she is in a vegitative state, or is still there mentally. I don't know and nobody else does but her and God. However if this woman is going to be killed (and yes she is being killed) she doesn't deserve to die this way.

I guess its too bad Terri didnt' kindnap, rape, and murder a 9 year old like her fellow Floridian (the one who killed Jessica Lunsford) because that guy will get put to sleep by lethal injection.

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Cl.One Is The Second Worst Film Of All Time And I Want My Damn Money Back

So last week I decided to grace Austin Texas with my brilliance during the South By Southwest Film and Music Festival. While down there a friend of mine told me of the "buzz" about this film called Cl.One (clone from now on). Now I should of realized that the word "buzz" really means bullshit, but I had a different kind of buzz going on at that time brought on by about 6 hours straight of alcohol consumption.

I read the description and said, hey this might be pretty cool. Up till that point every other movie we had seen was good, plus I figured the folks at SXSW that screen the films at least a reasonable fucking idea of what a good flick was.

Well we went to the 3rd and final showing of Clone. Something should of set off my spidey sense when the head SXSW guy that had announced all the other films wasn't there and that instead Earl the janitor did it, and he informed us the film makers had left and weren't there for a Q&A.

The lights dimmed, the curtains drew, and the smell of shitty film filled the room. Honestly I don't think I have seen a worse film in all my life. This movie featured a pretty interesting premise, great special effects......but it seems someone forgot this crucial thing called PLOT DEVELOPMENT.

It seems after a nuclear holocaust mankind is rendered either dead or sterile. While this would make a great porno story to include lack of condoms, this unfortunatly wasn't a porno. Somehow within like 10 years of the nuclear holocaust mankind has built back up to the previous technological level, and like 500 years past that. Like they now have flying cars and a bitchy robot maid to clean their shit with Electrosol and what not.

The chancellor of some school, who also apparently is an action star fighting terrorists, has to get elected to some school board or some shit. But he also wants to save mankind by the miracle of cloning, but apparently you have to transfer the soul of someone genetically compatible into the clones. Oh and for some reason theres a terrorist organization that doesn't want mankind to survive.

Enter "the one" some kid named Warren or Oron or some shit like that. Within ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 3 seconds of his appearance you know he is "the one". Apparently he has the right genes and can be the one who can transfer his soul/genetic material to the clones. But in order for that to happen he has to be stripped of everything he cares about................. and thats the point where I really just didn't give a crap. During this time period like probably 18 people had walked out.

I thought it might be due to the 7 Jack and Cokes I had consumed in the previous hours. So I turned to my neighbor and asked "is it just cuz I'm drunk, or does this plot make no fucking sense?", my neighbor confirmed I was indeed drunk but also that the plot made no sense.

About 3 minutes later when the Chancellor was yelling to people about Comunitas, or Gravitas, or Bob Ross or some shit like that I decided to make a pre-emptive strike. Grabbing my kick ass cell phone I texted my group the following msg

From Carnonymous:

This movie sucks more cock than jenna jameson. lets go see something good, like over the top.

So we walked out of the movie and proceeded to spend the next 2 hours talking about it, I guess that might of been the buzz everyone was hearing. After quite a few drinks me and my group confirmed that Clone might very well be the worst movie of all time. We put it up against other horrible movies/types of movies such as:

-Hulk Hogan Flicks: These are so good they are bad
-The Transporter: It featured a head bad guy named "boss", thus it was better
-Dawn Of The Dead (Remake): It had tits in it, so that made it automatically better

We decided that any movie with tits, lots of explosions, filthy language, a semi intelligible plot, or Dolph Lundgren were all automatically better than Clone. This elminated the entire Michael Bay catalog, all Shannon Tweed movies, Sylvester Stallones 90's movies, and anything on Skinemax. That elminated almost all of the movies we could think of that were bad.

After vacation I did some research and here's what I found. In the history of cinema 3,018,390,581,722 movies have been made. This includes pornos, made for tv, straight to video, student films, everything. Of those movies here is my official rankings:

#1. Army of Darkness: The most kick ass movie of all time. Look for my tribute to Bruce Campbell and Army of Darkness coming soon.

#2. Through #3,018,390,581,720.

#3,018,390,581,721. Cl.One: What can I say about this steaming pile of dog turd?

#3,018,390,581,722. My Big Fat Greek Wedding: This is due to the fact that for like 10 fucking months after this goddamned movie came out we were subjected to those really horrible "audience" commercials. You know the ones where they supposedly talk to people who just got done watching it, then these fucktards talk about how good it was, then a shot of like 26 people saying the movies catchphrase. FUCK THAT. Plus I watched this movie with my gf at the time, TOTALLY expecting some serious head after that movie. I mean it is totally in the catagory of a bj movie. You know what I am talking about, those horrible chick flicks that no guy will see unless he knows he's getting some serious mouth action. Pretty much every Hugh Grant movie and stuff like My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Well my gf at the time promised I would get a repeat of Runaway Bride. After MBFGW she suddenly developed a "sore jaw" but the bitches jaw didn't hurt enough to keep her from yelling "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpa!" (MBFGW catchphrase) like 30 times that night. So guess where you end up MBFGW? Right at the end of my movie shitlist, take that.

Damn, where was I? Oh yeah Cl.One. I have decided I am going to stand up for all the little guys out there and do what I can to shut that mofo down. So I am going to send a letter to the studio and film maker asking for my $7 back. I'll keep you guys updated on whats going on with this.

In the meantime do yourself a favor, DON'T see this movie.

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My Plan To Rule Midget Town

Apparently theres this town in New York state that is comprised entirely of midgets. Thats right midgets, dwarfs, little people, . whatever you want to call them. Apparently tired of being asked to do scenes from Leprechaun and Willow they have moved to their own little town.

Everything in the town is midget sized; midget houses, midget post office, go go power wheels police cars and fire trucks, crap like that. But I have heard that these midgets are militant and don't like outsiders to come in to their town. This of course totally makes me want to go even more.

I was thinking about it and saying "carnonymous these uppity midgets might be trouble and really not want you there".....then I remembered something very important.......THEY'RE FREAKIN MIDGETS!!!

I did some internet recon of midget town and found out it has between 1,500-1700 residents. At first this seemed like a daunting number, then I realized thats like 1,500-1,700 3rd graders, suddenly the task seemed alot more possible. I have decided to gather an army of giants such as myself and take off to assault and take over midget town.


Follow The Yellow Brick Road 

I figure once I get close enough I should be able to find the way to the town by following the yellow brick road. Once we come to the gates of midget town we will break them down and then begin to torch and pillage the town. However we will stop and call out the Midget Town Council.

I will offer them a chance for us to leave, they have to compete against me and my clan of giants in a series of challenges. If they win we leave forever, if we win then I become the undisputed emperor of Midget Town and the citizens my slaves.

The Challenges Will Be:

1. Slam Dunk Contest: It will be on one of those really imposing 6' tall Nerf Basketball Goals. The only member of Team Willow I have to worry about is Willy "Big Air" Johnson, who apparently can achieve a commanding 6'2" verticle leap.


Phi Slamma Jamma 

2. Aquatic Endurance Test: This will be held at the Herve Villanche Memorial Pool in Midget Town. Team Carnonymous and Team Willow will have to stay in the deep end of the pool (5'8" deep) until no members of one team are left. Team Willow will be forced to tread water for an agonizing amount of team, meanwhile Team Carnonymous works on their tans as they stand in the water.

3. Opponent Tossing Contest: Members of each team will have to toss members of the other team, points are accumulated based on total distance thrown.

Of course I expect total domination of Team Willow, and after destroying them in this contest I will set myself up as ruler....excuse me Emperor of Midget Town. The first order of bidness will be to rename it Carnonymousburg.

Since I will be a benevolent all knowing all powerful God-Emperor of Carnonymousburg I will do everything I can to help these people. Here are the first major changes I will make:

1. Economic: I will proceed to open up a Chocolate Factory/Theme Park. Of course the citizens will be forced to dress the part of Ooompa Loompas and sing every hour the "Ooompa Loompa Song". Here it is :


Oooompa Looompa 

2. Cultural: I will bring major cinema to Carnonymousburg with weekly showings of some of the greatest cinema ever made with midgets in it. It will include Willow, Jackass The Movie, Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, and Willow.

My god this will so freakin rule, how could I be any more brilliant?

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Hendrix, Clapton, Van Halen.......ESTEBAN????

Who the hell is this Esteban dude? For those that are going "who the hell is Esteban?" my answer is... .EXACTLY. This guy has a late night infomercial for his guitar package. This guy Esteban has a "live studio audience event" where he and some broad are yapping about how great he is.

Coincedentally this broad is always holding a guitar but looks like she has NO clue how to play it, she might as well be holding a weed wacker. Hey bitch why don't you try using your own product. Estebans video showed this 92 year old lady with cerebal palsy who, after 5 short 1 hour videos, was riffing like Dimebag Darrel I shit you not.

Well they go on and on and on about what a guitar virtuoso Esteban is. Meanwhile the whole time this guy is sitting around there dressed like Zorro. No kidding, put a cape on this guy and he's Zorro. He looks like that Ward Churchill wacko from Colorado dressed as Zorro.

Well they sit there and talk about how anyone can play guitar by buying his American legacy guitar package. You can play rock and roll, country, jazz, latin, all different kinds of music with the package.

The whole thing is just utterly ridiculous, I am not sure what made me laugh harder. Esteban dressed as Zorro playing his guitar "rock style" and looking like he was really into it, or the retards in the audience clapping for this "live event" like they were watching the ghosts of Stevie Ray Vaughn and Hendrix jam on stage.

The guys playing was neither spectacular nor did it make me think he was a guitar virtuoso. I would put Esteban on the level of rhythm guitar player for the Saturday night band at Jimmy Buffets Margaritaville Restaurant.

I wonder if they throw in the Zorro outfit if you call in the next 20 minutes??? If that was the case I would totally buy it and go as Esteban this year for Halloween. Look there are tons of things better you can do with your $149.95 than buy this piece of crap. Here's 10 things you can do with it that would make you look less stupid and be more socially redeeming than buying Estebans American Guitar Legacy Package.

1. Buy a huge lawn ornament of two dogs fucking, laugh at your neighbor as he yells about his property value getting hurt.

2. Give it to a crack whore but tell her she has to run up to your boss and ask him when its "feeding time" again as she looks at his crotch

3. Go buy an X Box, take it out of its box, crush it beyond repair then put it back in the box and give it to some poor kid. Laugh as he crys like a little bitch.

4. Hire Gary Coleman for some midget tossing at your bachelor party

5. Buy Ward Churchill a bus ticket to Canda so he can get the fuck out the good ol U, S of A that he hates so much.

6. Buy the entire Hulk Hogan movie collection, including the hard to find 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

7. Buy a bunch of veal and have a cookout at a PETA rally

8. Two words: STRIP CLUB

9. Hire Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds to show up at the National Spelling Bee Championships that ESPN 34 televises and have him yell "nerds! nerrrrrrrrrrds!"

10. Buy $150 worth of Ashlee Simpson CDs and give them to a bunch of recently blinded people. Laugh as their heightened sense of hearing makes them scream in agony at her singing.

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Jesse Jackson: Champion Of The People

I saw Jesse on TV the other day and wanted to absolutely vomit. I think he was holding a press conference to protest Wal Marts decison to have its employees switch to white sneakers instead of black sneakers or something.

I think Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are more of a threat to the black people in this country than the KKK. They are basically saying without Jesse and Al there to work for you and keep things like affirmative action in place you will never get ahead.

If I was a Black person I would nut punch Jesse if I ever saw him in person and say "Thanks for setting us back 80 years dickwad".

Jesse and Al have unfortunately convinced a large part of the black population that its the early 1900's and that without these two leeches "working for them" all blacks would be able to do is a little soft shoe and maybe be a cook.

However I truly believe Jesse and Al don't do all this to try and help their fellow African Americans. Its just so they can line their own pockets, by taking "donations" from companys that they shakedown by threatening to boycott them and crap like that.


The Bling Signal 


Hard At Work For You 

The very fact that Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell have been called Uncle Toms's and House Niggers by the very same camp that Jesse and Al lead shows you whats wrong with these two men. Apparently if you're a black man and you have a white boss you are working for "the man".

The sad thing is there's alot of black people that really view Jesse and Al as heroes..... AS FREAKIN HEROES! I mean these are two guys that have convinced alot of folks that Mr Charlie is still out there to get them and if Al and Jesse aren't there to champion them its back to "Whites Only" water fountains and bus seats. If there really is a "The Man" I would want Jesse and Al around, because with them I don't need any control programs on black folks. Jesse and Al have convinced them they can't do anything on their own.

Why in the hell aren't there any better black leaders out there? How did we go from Martin Luther King and (ughh I can't believe I am saying this) Malcolm X to freakin Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton??? Hopefully the new generation of black leaders such as Barak Obama and even Jesse's son can erase the damage their predecessors have done and move from an entitlement mindset into a "I can do it on my own" mindset.

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Boner Pills: Medical Problem Or Fat Wife??? I report you decide (Here's a hint, its Fat Wives)

Right now there seems to be a plethora of commercials for boner pills. These commercials usually consist of:

- An upper middle class white couple
- Husband always smiling, like having boner problems is a good thing when he should be weeping and wondering if he's gay cuz he can't get it up
- A semi hot MILF wife that looks like she needs a good boning and if she doesn't get it soon from hubby she's baggin the paper boy.

I doubt that these are the people that this ad is trying to get too, cuz the wifes are hot. I think erectile disfucntion, much like psychopathic rage, is just a mental condition not something a pill can cure.

I will gurandamntee you that a visit to the doctors office where a guy and wife ask about a boner pill reveals the following information.

- They used to have a great sex life: The wife would dress up sexy, give serious beej's, be adventerous, whatever
- The wife used to be hot and fit into size a 4 to 8
- Now a size 4 to 8 wont fit the wifes left leg
- The wife doesn't take care of herself as much anymore. No makeup most of the time, wears sweats everywhere, has more bush going on than a forest, etc.


The wife learns the hard truth. 

The reason your man can't get it up is you aren't hot anymore. Its really simple, he married you because he thought he could bone you for the rest of his life and not get bored. You had a couple kids and then proceeded to spend your days on the couch watching The View and eating Cheez Wiz. Star Jones and the yenta crowd has convinced you being a fat broad is okay, you're not fat you're just sassy and spunky.

Its not even that you are older. There's plenty of hot older broads. The best cure that doc can prescribe for your husband is either:

- A 19 year old hot live in nanny
- You drop weight and get back to taking care of yourself
- Boner pills to force him to get it up


The Solution 

Do yourself and your man a favor, get in shape, take care of yourself and you will be amazed that he doesn't need a pill to get it up.

Look I gurandamntee you a guy with a Jenna Jameson or Christy Canyon lookalike wife has NEVER walked into a docs office asking for boner pills.

Meawhile 99.9999999999999989999% of the men who walk into an office for boner pills tote along their deuce and a half frizzy haired wife in sweats. Coincidence? I think not.

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Fattys In Scooters & The Amish, Why Obesity ISN'T A Disease

Yesterday I was out at HEB doing a little grocery shopping when I came upon something that was an all too common sight. A hugely obese person driving around on one of those scooter carts.

Now while I personally think that retards, midgets, fattys, and Juggslee Simpson have been put on this earth by god for my own personal amusement I was a little saddened by this. Fatty was rolling around at about a quarter of a MPH on this scooter (not cuz it was slow its just that a electric scooter can only move so fast carrying around 300+ plus lbs) and I was starting to get pissed cuz much like an old Asian man driving he wouldn't move to let me pass in the aisle.

Fatty rolled forward for about 10 feet (which took 5 minutes) and would stop, get out of the scooter and roll around to get something from the freezer and put it in the basket. I finally got a chance to pass fatty but I took an opportunity to look in the shopping basket.

Here's some of what I saw:

-Buffalo Wings
-A 10 Pound Bag of M&Ms
-Beer
-Ice Cream & Caramel and Hersheys Chocolate Topping
-Cheez Wiz

Now I know that if I was overweight (which by the way I am about 15 pounds over weight and you know what, I am on a diet and working out cuz I want to lose it and get to being my old hella sexy cut self) I would probably drop all that fattening bad stuff, but thats just me.

I know there's some of you that are going "oh carnonymous, how could you say that, these people probably can't help themselves its a disease". BULLFREAKIN CRAP. Obesity is NOT a disease, it comes from not being able to stop shoving your face full of bad food and choosing not to exercise plain and simple.


Ever Hear of Weight Watchers? 

You know how Dr. Carnonymous can authoritatively state this fact? Asides from the fact that I am a genius who's never wrong, I will present Exhibit A, for the Amish. That's right the freakin Amish.

Has anyone ever seen a fat Amish person? NO. And that's due to the fact that:

-The Amish don't eat McDonalds 3-5 times a week
-The Amish don't sit around eating ice cream and wondering why their thighs are the size of tree trunks
-The Amish don't sit around all day watching tv and brushing the crumbs off their ever growing belly

Plus the Amish actually workout and exercise. You know why nobody gets morbidly obese as an Amish person? They don't have electric scooters to move their tubby body around thats why, if they got that fat they couldn't work on the farm. If they can't work on the farm the whole Amish community gets together and stones them to death. Look it up, it's a fact.

Even if an Amish dude wanted to use his buggy to get around the store, I would be cool with it. He's spent all day workin on the farm since 4AM and raising a barn till late in the evening, he deserves to give his dogs a rest. How much would it freakin rule to have something like this really happen?


. 

We have become a society where everything now isn't our fault, and technology can help out with so many things. You have gone from 180 to 410 and now have to be airlifted out of your bed by a crane just to get up? It isn't your fault you have a disease, here's an electric scooter to wheel around in you sick sick man.

Your 12 year old daughter is 180 pounds, oh it isn't their fault or yours, its that evil bastard Ronald McDonald and his henchmen Grimus. He's the one that got your kids to eat at McDonalds 7 times a week. Here's a word of advice, instead of suing McDonalds try cooking your family a healthy meal you lazy fucks.

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Vin Diesel: Gay Porn Star???

I am seriously starting to think that, in addition to his classic Breakdance Instructional Video (which really does exist look it up), that Vin Diesel has another skeleton in his acting closet. The guy has done some decent acting, Saving Private Ryan and Boiler Rooom being two examples, but now he is starting to churn out crap with a frequency that is making Nicholas Cage jealous.

For those not in the know his latest project is called "The Pacifier". Get this, Vin is the US Militarys top special forces soldier. For some reason he becomes a male nanny for a family and now has to help out with a bunch of kids.

For him to be in this movie I have to believe one of two things:

A. Hulk Hogan is his movie agent: I can totally see the Hulkster being in The Pacifier. That would fit right in with his other classics such as Santa With Muscles, Mr. Nanny, and Three Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain.


Hulk Hogan: Agent For The Stars 

B. Someone has a tape of him doing gay porn

There really can be no other explanation than the two above. Furthermore I don't think that The Pacifier has a shot at being a horrible movie in the "hey its 1 in the morning and I'm drunk so lets see what on TBS..... ooooh The Pacifier lets watch it" kind of way. If I am bored enough I can watch any Hulk Hogan movie, because most of em are so bad they're good.

The Pacifier will probably be Rupert Murdochs next "Hey I can buy the rights for $5,000 and show it 24 hours straight" purchase. All I know is that Vin had better get his shit together or he's going to end up making a ton of "Sci Fi Original Pictures" just like Lorenzo Lamas and Dean Cain.

Christ how much would it rule if they made a Sci Fi Pictures Original Movie starring all three of those guys? That would be the modern day equivalent of getting Deniro, Pesci, and Pacino all on the same set. I'm not sure what it would be about but I know it would include:

- A huge CGI monster (squid, dragon, locust or some shit like that)

- At least one hotty chick that is some kind of scientist. The chick explains recombinant DNA, evolution, the effects of radiation on Gilla Monster cells, all the while sitting around in a bikini.

- A secret military installation commanded by a hard nosed Colonel who yells at everyone

- A special forces team on the base that gets slaughtered by the cyborg/monster/ghosts/whatever bad creature is in it, yet somehow Lorenzo, Vin, and Dean Cain (who are a janitor, scientist, and cook respectively) all pick up weapons and kick ass.

- At least 1,390 explosions and 23 HUGE explosions

Holy shit I'm a genius, type it up and start production.

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