Cl.One Is The Second Worst Film Of All Time And I Want My Damn Money Back

So last week I decided to grace Austin Texas with my brilliance during the South By Southwest Film and Music Festival. While down there a friend of mine told me of the "buzz" about this film called Cl.One (clone from now on). Now I should of realized that the word "buzz" really means bullshit, but I had a different kind of buzz going on at that time brought on by about 6 hours straight of alcohol consumption.

I read the description and said, hey this might be pretty cool. Up till that point every other movie we had seen was good, plus I figured the folks at SXSW that screen the films at least a reasonable fucking idea of what a good flick was.

Well we went to the 3rd and final showing of Clone. Something should of set off my spidey sense when the head SXSW guy that had announced all the other films wasn't there and that instead Earl the janitor did it, and he informed us the film makers had left and weren't there for a Q&A.

The lights dimmed, the curtains drew, and the smell of shitty film filled the room. Honestly I don't think I have seen a worse film in all my life. This movie featured a pretty interesting premise, great special effects......but it seems someone forgot this crucial thing called PLOT DEVELOPMENT.

It seems after a nuclear holocaust mankind is rendered either dead or sterile. While this would make a great porno story to include lack of condoms, this unfortunatly wasn't a porno. Somehow within like 10 years of the nuclear holocaust mankind has built back up to the previous technological level, and like 500 years past that. Like they now have flying cars and a bitchy robot maid to clean their shit with Electrosol and what not.

The chancellor of some school, who also apparently is an action star fighting terrorists, has to get elected to some school board or some shit. But he also wants to save mankind by the miracle of cloning, but apparently you have to transfer the soul of someone genetically compatible into the clones. Oh and for some reason theres a terrorist organization that doesn't want mankind to survive.

Enter "the one" some kid named Warren or Oron or some shit like that. Within ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 3 seconds of his appearance you know he is "the one". Apparently he has the right genes and can be the one who can transfer his soul/genetic material to the clones. But in order for that to happen he has to be stripped of everything he cares about................. and thats the point where I really just didn't give a crap. During this time period like probably 18 people had walked out.

I thought it might be due to the 7 Jack and Cokes I had consumed in the previous hours. So I turned to my neighbor and asked "is it just cuz I'm drunk, or does this plot make no fucking sense?", my neighbor confirmed I was indeed drunk but also that the plot made no sense.

About 3 minutes later when the Chancellor was yelling to people about Comunitas, or Gravitas, or Bob Ross or some shit like that I decided to make a pre-emptive strike. Grabbing my kick ass cell phone I texted my group the following msg

From Carnonymous:

This movie sucks more cock than jenna jameson. lets go see something good, like over the top.

So we walked out of the movie and proceeded to spend the next 2 hours talking about it, I guess that might of been the buzz everyone was hearing. After quite a few drinks me and my group confirmed that Clone might very well be the worst movie of all time. We put it up against other horrible movies/types of movies such as:

-Hulk Hogan Flicks: These are so good they are bad
-The Transporter: It featured a head bad guy named "boss", thus it was better
-Dawn Of The Dead (Remake): It had tits in it, so that made it automatically better

We decided that any movie with tits, lots of explosions, filthy language, a semi intelligible plot, or Dolph Lundgren were all automatically better than Clone. This elminated the entire Michael Bay catalog, all Shannon Tweed movies, Sylvester Stallones 90's movies, and anything on Skinemax. That elminated almost all of the movies we could think of that were bad.

After vacation I did some research and here's what I found. In the history of cinema 3,018,390,581,722 movies have been made. This includes pornos, made for tv, straight to video, student films, everything. Of those movies here is my official rankings:

#1. Army of Darkness: The most kick ass movie of all time. Look for my tribute to Bruce Campbell and Army of Darkness coming soon.

#2. Through #3,018,390,581,720.

#3,018,390,581,721. Cl.One: What can I say about this steaming pile of dog turd?

#3,018,390,581,722. My Big Fat Greek Wedding: This is due to the fact that for like 10 fucking months after this goddamned movie came out we were subjected to those really horrible "audience" commercials. You know the ones where they supposedly talk to people who just got done watching it, then these fucktards talk about how good it was, then a shot of like 26 people saying the movies catchphrase. FUCK THAT. Plus I watched this movie with my gf at the time, TOTALLY expecting some serious head after that movie. I mean it is totally in the catagory of a bj movie. You know what I am talking about, those horrible chick flicks that no guy will see unless he knows he's getting some serious mouth action. Pretty much every Hugh Grant movie and stuff like My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Well my gf at the time promised I would get a repeat of Runaway Bride. After MBFGW she suddenly developed a "sore jaw" but the bitches jaw didn't hurt enough to keep her from yelling "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpa!" (MBFGW catchphrase) like 30 times that night. So guess where you end up MBFGW? Right at the end of my movie shitlist, take that.

Damn, where was I? Oh yeah Cl.One. I have decided I am going to stand up for all the little guys out there and do what I can to shut that mofo down. So I am going to send a letter to the studio and film maker asking for my $7 back. I'll keep you guys updated on whats going on with this.

In the meantime do yourself a favor, DON'T see this movie.