Frankie Goes To Hollywood (The Webster Chronicles)

So as everyone knows Websters brother Frankie just showed up at the apartment complex after getting out of jail. I thought with Webster at Fat Camp I would be without a fat, stupid, loser to torture. As I said before Webster (although fat, stupid, and ugly) was harmless, where Frankie is a pretty bad kid. He has gone to jail a couple times for selling weed, been busted for DUI once, and last year had to go to the hospital when he blew a finger to shreds on the 4th of July.

Well Webster and Frankies parents were going out of town this weekend, and they guilt tripped me into keeping an eye on Frankie so he doesn't do anything too bad. They made me feel like I was responsible for Webster getting sent to fat camp, so I owed them. Bullcrap I say, but they paid me $50 (and promised another $50 if Frankie stays out of trouble) so I thought that would pay for beer for the weekend.

Well as me and some buds were getting ready to go to the video store, Frankie walks out and axes for a ride. I tried to explain to him I'm not a babysitter for Christ's sake, a 25 year old man shouldn't have to keep an eye on a 19 year old proud high school dropout such as Frankie. I also tried to explain that my Expedition doesn't get great gas mileage and his increased weight would only suck another 3 MPG off of that.

Well Frankie said he was gonna go crap in the pool if we didn't let him go, which would of kissed my other $50 goodbye, so I said fine. We let Frankie in and drove out to Hollywood video, the whole time Frankies singing that goddamn song by Ashlee Simpson "La La", it was really fucking annoying. I was about to hit the power liftgate button and have them throw his ass out the back onto the highway, but we then pulled into Hollywood Video.

I turned and told Frankie he had to walk in like 2 minutes after us so nobody knew he was with us, get his rentals, check out, and then go back to the car. We then headed in and started checking out some X Box games and the latest DVD's. We saw Frankie walk inside a little while later and head straight back into the Porno section behind the curtain.

I walked up to the counter/checkout girl, who I knew, and gave her $10 telling her "hey when that fat guy named Frankie comes out of the porno section and tries to checkout make something up so it looks like he's checking out Gay Porn".

A little later we saw Frankie walk out with like an armfull of porn and he walked to the checkout counter. We hid over by the Family section and looked over the shelves at Frankie. As he was putting some beef jerky on the counter the checkout girl slipped a tape in his stack and goes

"I'm sorry sir, but this tape is reserved. Someone else called ahead and requested (raises voice) Cumguzzling Gay Cocksmoking Firemen #27. Oh I'm sorry, this is number 26 you can have it".

Two hot chicks in line behind Frankie immediately started laughing their asses off and pointing at him. Frankie started cussing and stormed out to my Expedition. We checked out and walked out to it, as Frankie was getting in I stopped him.

"Frankie what the hell do you think you're doing? I don't associate myself with anyone that checks out porn, much less gay porn like Cumguzzling Gay Cocksmoking Firemen #27"

"It was number 26 Carnonymous" Frankie yelled

"Well then you admit it, you just got one you watched before. Have fun walking Frankie!" I yelled as we peeled out. I then decided to be mean since Frankie started crying. I stopped and waited for him to reach the handle, and peeled out again. We did this probably 6 or 7 times, and to be honest of we hadn't of come up to the end of the parking lot where it flows onto the Highway we would of done it all the way home.

Well like 40 minutes later we were hanging out on my patio smoking some cigars and drinking when we say Frankie stumbling into the complex, sweaty, red faced, and pissed off. He started screaming and cursing at me that I had left him.

"Frankie, I did this for your own good. Do you want to be super fat and get sent to fat camp like Webster? I am thinking of your health and trying to help you lose weight, show some gratitude. What is it with you and your brother? You people are so ungrateful and rude."

Frankie just gave me the finger then went into his parents apartment and (judging from the smell coming from it and the fact the pizza guy showed up 30 minutes later) started smoking out. On probation, drinking, and smoking weed? Frankie better be thankful I am a kind, caring, compassionate, individual or I would of called his PO or the cops to let them know he's violating probation.

Ahhh hell I cannot tell a lie, we had GTA San Andreas on and it was my turn to play, that's why I didn't call.

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Jurassic Park 4 Is Currently Experiencing Script Issues. I Ask "Whats The Fucking Problem?" (And Solve It)

So I was surfing the web the other day and came upon a story about Jurrasic Park 4. I was at first amazed there is even going to be a Jurassic Park 4 after having seen the shitpile that was Jurassic Park 3, but thats a whole other story.

Well it seems that production of Jurassic Park 4 is on hold until they "get the script right". I really have to ask the question how fucking hard it is to write a script for a Jurassic Park movie?

Well dont' worry Steven Spielberg I'm here to rescue you with providing the blue print for Jurassic Park 4 through 24.

-Cue opening scene of a mysterious island. Enter humans, enter dinosaurs that aren't really seen too well, cut to humans screaming then title of movie.

-Cut to rich person making a decision that he and a team of disposable characters must go back to this mysterious island. An assistant axes him "but who knows enough about dinosaurs to lead us when we get to this mysterious island?"

-Cut to shot of a cast member of one of the previous movies (most likely Sam Neil or Jeff Goldbloom) giving a really smart sounding speech. The assistant for the rich guy pulls him aside after the speech. Neil/Goldbloom is implored to meet with the rich person, they at first heatedly deny the request but then give in.

-Cut to meeting with rich tycoon. Tycoon is a personable guy who smiles and (with a buildup of background music) proposes returning to Jurassic Park for some bullshit reason. Then cut to previous cast member (who is also there with other assembled smart types) giving a speech about how science is completely out of control and there's no way they are going back to the island. They talk about how they may of been fooled once and even twice to going to this island but there's no way they are ever going back.

-Cut to improbable reason to get supposedly genius previous cast member to go back to the island. They soon forget that the previous two times they went to the island tons of people get killed.

-The group arrives to the island. All is good for about 20 minutes, with only fleeting sightings of dinosaurs (tracks, eggshells, etc).


JurassicRetards 

-Massive attack by dinosaurs where at least half of the extras (usually trained soldiers with guns) get killed (most likely by Raptors)


Genius? 

-Survivors find an abandoned building for shelter. There we have a conversation where the smart scientfic types speak ominously about how man knows so little of his present world, how can he even try to understand the past.

-Another 30 to 45 minutes of filler bullshit, a few more people die and the main characters escape off the island.

Now slap a $100,000,000 budget on it and some tie ins with Burger King and you have a summer movie. FUCK, why has NOBODY in Hollywood offered me a job yet?????

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Websters Brother Frankie Is Out Of Jail (The Webster Chronicles)

If there's a more pathetic waste of skin out there than Webster, it's his brother Frankie. Webster's a fat, pathetic, stupid, little bastard. Frankie is a fat, pathetic, stupid, law breaking little bastard.

Frankie is 19 and is probably the black sheep of his family. He's been involved in every get rich quick scheme out there, and has done plenty of shady stuff as well. He just spent 6 months in jail for marijuana distribution and the only reason he got busted was he sold some to the kids that live in the building across from ours. The kids dad is a State Trooper and busted Frankie about 30 minutes after he made the sale, like I said Frankie's a retard.

I had thought with Webster going to fat camp that I would have no one to torture, it seems that someone up there is looking out for me. What is it, about 10 days since Webster got sent to fat camp? Then Frankie comes off the bus from jail and moves back in with his parents.

This could probably work for me, because Frankie is stupid and willing to do whatever someone tells him. Last year when I needed to raise money for a kegger I came up with some fake disease and found a picture of a sick kid on the Internet. Me and some friends then taped her pic to some collection jars and sent Frankie out collecting donations.

Our only mistake was not keeping Frankie on a tight leash. The dumbass went to the local hospital, and the people there recognized the disease didn't even exist so they called the cops. Luckily the cops believed all of us (despite Frankie's protests) when we told him we had no idea what was going on.

This should definitely be interesting.

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Dear Amnesty International, Kindly Go Fuck Yourself

Dear Amnesty International,

Recently you compared the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to the "gulags" of the former Soviet Union. While I shouldn't be surprised at this statement, as it is just the latest in your line of America bashing ones, I truly object to this particular one. I realize you are the same assholes that think the death penalty is barbaric and dehumanizing, but so is someone like Jessica Lunsford (at 9 years old) getting raped and buried alive. Jeezus what the fuck is wrong with you people?

I am truly sick and fucking tired of elitist libs such as yourself constantly bashing the greatest nation in the history of the planet. Yes America has her bad parts, but she is still the single greatest force for good out there. The hypocrisy inherent in your statement makes me laugh harder than The Mad Vloggers latest attempt at humor (not that he's funny, it's just so fucking pathetic it makes me laugh). You seem so concerned for a group of terrorists, rapists, and murderers and will raise hell over:

-The very mention of someone not properly handling the Quran (Terrorist training manuals have been found where they have been told to pretty much use our own PC Lib patrol against us with claims of abuse, religious intolerance, and other such actions)

-The possibility of the torture of terrorists. Even if this produces information leading to the stopping of future actions or capture of more terrorists. As far as I'm concerned they should take these guys, strip em naked, superglue their balls to the floor, set the room on fire and hand them a knife.

-The fact we won't let your people on the premises so you can make sure we are taking care of them under "international standards". This is what irks you the most I suspect, that you can't give aid and comfort to these ravings barbarians. So sorry douchebags, in case you didn't know this is The United States of America not he United States Of The World. We don't have to listen to your bullshit about how we aren't in sync with what the world wants.

-That we do not give captured terrorists Geneva Convention rights

What I am wondering is where were you when:

-Saddam Hussein was creating mass graves

-Saddam Hussein and his government were running torture chambers, rape vans, and other items such as that. I don't remember you calling press conferences to denounce these actions, must of missed them.

-During the invasion of Iraq several of our soldiers were captured then tortured and executed. In case you didn't know it is highly unusual for a bunch of soldiers to end up with a single bullet hole in their forehead. Why did you not demand access to soldiers captured by the Iraqi Army?

-Insurgents (oh I'm sorry should I call them by the lib term of "freedom fighters"?)belonging to the same groups as the people in Guantanamo kidnapped, tortured, and then killed civilians from the US, Japan, and Nepal (to name a few)? Were these people not eligible for protection and the same basic rights you want extended to these murderers?

I guess not because those kidnapped by the insurgents were not fighting for any nation, and thus are not eligible for Geneva Convention protections. Well guess what? Neither are those inside Guantanamo. These are not soldiers fighting for any nation (and the GC only protects soldiers fighting for nations), the closest thing I could equate them to would be someone from a criminal organization/gang.

What would protect a member of a gang in the United States would be that they are US citizens, and as far as I know no US citizens are inside Guantanmo (and if they are I say they should have their citizenship stripped. Those that fight against us such as John Walker Lindh are traitors and as soon as you pick up a weapon to fight against the US you renounce your citizenship in my view).

The fact that not a peep comes from your organization during something such as the Nick Berg incident, yet someone mishandles what is basically a bunch of dead tree cells with ink on it and you shit your pants. Don't even go into the "well the Quran is a holy object and we need to respect it" bullshit line, because I hate to tell you these people do not respect us.

Quite frankly I (and I would bet most Americans) don't give a goddamned freakin crap if a US soldier spits on, pisses on, microwaves, eats, then shits a whole Quran into a toilet as long as these barbarians are doing things far worse.

Even Corky from Life Goes On could figure out what is worse. Lets axe him... Hey Corky which is worse? This:


Terrorist Holiday Inn 

or this?


THIS Is Prisoner Abuse 

Well Corky what do you say?


Corky Says "Fuck You Amnesty" 

Thanks Corky, see folks it's that fucking simple. Amnesty International, kindly go fuck yourselves.


Signed,

Carnonymous The Brilliant




Oh and to all of those who will post a comment on this that goes into a "America is evil" rant, I got this right here for ya.


Eat It Libs 

Bush won Kerry lost, get the fuck over it for Christ's sake. It's time for you to movethefuckon.org

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Apparently Some Of Your Turds Love Webster, So You Sent Me Hate Mail

For some ungodly reason some of you Aldrich Aimes out there love Webster and think I have been far too cruel to him. How anyone could read the Webster Chronicles and take his side is just beyond me. I got quite a few hate mails about Webster and have picked what I believe are the four best:


Fagnonymous,

You fucking piece of shit i cant believe anyone would treat a child that way. Its people like you that cause so many children to turn to drugs, drhinking, and become antisocial. I hope god punishes you one day by having your child grow up fat and have some piece of shit used car salesman torture him. That is if you can ever get a woman to fuck you. You have to be on of the most offensive people I have ever encounterd, learn to be a little more sensitive you asshole.

Actually I'm fairly sure that if God does have a sense of humor I will end up with a bunch of midget, fat, retarded, albino kids. So don't worry about me. What I really don't get is YOU telling ME to be more sensitive.... yet you are the one that wishes obesity upon my progeny. Also I am fairly sure the homosexual community is thrilled with your play on words with my name.

Oh one more thing, I only sell new cars.

I SINCERELY HOPE THAT THIS ENTIRE THING IS A BIT. BECAUSE IF IT IS NOT THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE MOST CRUEL THINGS I HAVE EVER READ. I USED TO BE OVERWEIGHT AS A CHILD AND I STILL FEEL SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY WEIGHT DUE TO WHAT I WENT THROUGH AS A CHILD. YOUR BLOG ENTRYS MADE ME CRY BECAUSE THEY BROUGHT BACK PAINFUL MEMORIES. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF.

I TAKE THAT BACK. I KNOW YOU CAN NOT BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF. ANYONE THIS SICK TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS AS A JOKE MUST BE VERY UNHAPPY, AND IF THEY ARE DOING THIS FOR REAL THEN I CRY FOR THEM. I PRAY FOR YOUR SAKE AND FOR WEBSTERS THAT YOU LEARN TO TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED.

If I was freakin 100 pounds overweight I would expect folks to make fun of my ass as well. I'm sorry you're so psychologically fragile that these stories made you cry you pussy. I bet you have to fast forward through The Goonies so you don't see Chunk doing the Truffle Shuffle, it would probably force you into the fetal position for weeks. In case you're reading this here's a pic of Chunk, I hope you have the Kleenex ready you wuss.


Truffle Shuffle Bitches 

By the way, it's called a Caps Lock key, try hitting it sometime.

Carnonymous,

I normally enjoyed your blog, but I want you to know that your so called Webster Chronicles have cost you a loyal reader. I am an overweight person myself and am subject to daily ridicule for my size. The humiliation I feel everytime I go in public is only compounded by people such as yourself.

Splitting your pants, having to take up two seats in a movie theater, and having to request a table everytime you go out to eat because you can't slide into a booth are all experiences I have had. These were made even worse by people such as yourself that snicker and point. You might think again when you write such things, because they can and will cost you.

Thanks for making me laugh dude. I am glad to know you split your pants and have to request a table instead of a booth. Freakin sweet. So I guess when I was making fun of retards, guys with erectile disfunction, Emo kids, wiggers, deaf mutes, Jesse Jackson, and midgets it was all fun and games.....but when I strike on a subject that affects YOU suddenly I am evil? Well I hate to tell you but I can, and will, poke fun at anything and everything I damn well please.

In case you forgot this is called "Angryface Central: Brilliance Defined" not "Fat Loser Who Laughs At Stuff Until It's Them In The Crosshairs". I write for one reason and one reason only, I crack myself up doing it. I don't care if I have one reader or one million readers. So long as I enjoy what I am writing I will still do it.

Hey carnonymous, it's pretty easy to hide behind an anonymous name and write about some kid. I bet you woudln't say this stuff to his parents face, they would kick you ass you faggot.

If I ever saw you I would beat your ass until you were in a coma, then wait at the hospital for when you come out of it and kick your ass again bitch.

Your nothing but a loser car salesman whos an internet tough guy, if i ever learn where you work I am going to show up and kick your ass, then you write about that.

Lets see how funny you think it is wirting about me beating you ass.



I'm the internet tough guy? This really seems like a case of the pot and the fucking kettle. For some reason I am not really shaking in boots from a threat by a guy who's email address is "dallasraveboi4eva". What's he gonna do hit me with his glowsticks while high on exstacy?

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I Have Serious Problems With Porno Previews

Since quite a few members of a porno message board apparently like to read my stuff, I thought I would do a rant on something they could take care of. My problem with Porn isn't any of the normal arguments you hear, crap like:

1. Porn is degrading to women: Bullshit I say. Porn, stripping, and afternoon talkshows are really the only industries where women make more than men on average. Unless someone is forcing the girls, or drugging them senseless, I say more power to em. If you want to do that stuff, go for it. But please realize you're a porn star, not a musician for Christs sake. If I see one more VH1 episode where some porn star is trying to actually act as if her band will make it I am going to blow my colon out from shitting my pants cuz I'm laughing so hard. That's a whole other rant though.

2. Porn Ruins Relationships: Again I call bullshit on this. This is just for the ladies. Listening? Okay good, listen up guys like variety. While I completely agree cheating is wrong, porn gives a guy a safe outlet. It's not that we aren't still attracted to you, or don't love you. We just have a biological urge to see other chicks naked. Which would you rather have, a guy crankin one out to a porn movie (and then coming to bed with you and banging the shit out of you) or him nailing the babysitter? I thought so. So the next time you catch your man at the computer takin care of bidness don't frig out on him.

3. Porn Is Bad For Kids: While I don't think a 12 year old needs to be watchin porn, I do think that it's okay for highschoolers and older folks. Let's face it, most parents are too uptight to even talk about the basics of sex with their kids. How in the hell is some 17 year old gonna learn how to put his girl in the reverse cowgirl, or proper oral techniques if mom can't even talk about the basics without getting red faced and leaving.

No my problem with porn is all those crap websites out there and their shitty previews. Like they have some really hot looking broad on the front, great pics of her, and of course the ubiquitous "Click Here For Free Sample Video!!!" button.

So being a guy I click on the link, after all I want to see this chick naked, and we are usually treated to the following things in this 30 Second clip:

-Opening shot of the guy who bangs all the chicks in the videos. Usually of him and his camera guy wandering around looking for chicks to pick up. They of course talk like it's not a given some chicks gonna get picked up, thus proving they are pimps (roll eyes)

-They run into a chick. After a few bullshit question/answers the chick agrees to go back to their place.

-Cut to chick back at their pad stripping. At this point we think, great she's gettin naked. Sweet now the tops off and we're seeing boobs.

Well basically the other 20 seconds of the preview focus on the guys schlong, or shots of the chick getting porked that are from behind so basically man ass and balls take up 2/3rds of the fucking screen. If we're lucky we get a 2 second shot of the chicks upper half and her moaning.

What the fuck guys? Seriously if you want someone to join your site give us what we want, CHICKS not guys schlongs. And please don't try to get too high on yourselves. Look I understand if you want to have some bullshit premise for your site, but don't try to get too much into the story okay?

In fact if any of you could talk to/work for the folks at the artsy fartsy fancy porno studios, tell them to quit making "Art" porns. No body want's to watch porn stars act, or 30 minutes of fucking buildup, or even really any plausible reason for the folks to take their clothes off and start banging.

Every porno scene should follow the following formula:

-Cut to shot of doctors office, bathroom, work office, house, random warehouse

-Cue hot chick running into guy or guy running into hot chick

-Two (three maximum) lines of bullshit dialogue each, cue porno music

-Proceed with the banging

How fucking hard is it???? Apparently harder than I thought, because it seems so many porn writers/directors/"actors" try to think of what they do as art. Look Jenna Jameson, I realize you aren't really a 21 year old college senior who needs to get an A to graduate so you have to do an "oral exam" with your professor, but please.....let that be the most acting you do. The reason your fans watch you is you have a smokin hot body and we like to see you fuck.

People walk out of a Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, or Denzel Washington movie and go "wow what a powerful performance I couldn't believe how great the acting was". No one turns off Big Booty Bingo# 438 and goes "wow I was just blown away with Briana Banks acting in that anal scene, I really believed she was an alien and the only way to survive was to suck a mans life force out by having anal sex with him".

Just stick to the fuckin, and porno website owners make those previews at least 73% more man ass/balls free.

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Coming Next Week

Hey you turds, I have been hellafied busy at the dealership this week so that's what's behind the lack of updates (I only promise one update a week, but like to do two if I can). Anyways look for the following hard hitting, thought provoking items next week:

1. My Letter To Amnesty International

2. The Webster Hate Mails: I have recieved several emails from people who really hate my treatment of Webster. I laughed so hard at these schlongs I almost crapped my pants.

3. My Problem With Porno Previews: Since I apparently have quite a few fans that own porno sites (a couple guys post my rants on a porno site owner message board) I have a very special rant just for them.

Look for those and POSSIBLY the debut of The Reverend Jackson's Reviews, if the Good Rev can get up off his ass and send me his story. Mohammed get your ass in gear as well.

Later Turds

-Carnonymous The Brilliant

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Webster Gets Sent To Fat Camp (The Webster Chronicles)

You guys won't believe what just happened, we will be without a Webster update for a good 8 weeks. His parents just sent him to fat camp, unfreakin real. It's probably too late, what with him being a teenager and being as fat as he is. I guess I should feel responsible for Webster going away, that's what the police say, but I really don't see why.

What happened was I had some frat brothers from college visiting this weekend. All we used to do in college was get super drunk off of cheap beer and get into trouble. Now that we're grown up and adults in the real world, we get drunk off of import beer and get into trouble.

Well what we did Saturday was had a barbecue and drank a crap load of beer. While I was getting the grill ready Webster walked by.

"Hey Carnonymous, are you grilling?" Webster inquired.

"No Webster, I'm just heating these coals and have all this hamburger meat and ribs sitting out for fun. What do you think you retard?" I politely axed

"Why are you grilling Carnonymous?" Webster asked.

"It's a belated Cinco De Mayo celebration Webster if you must know, for my frat brother Carlos here" I gestured towards Carlos, who was about to start pissing his pants cuz Webster had a huge booger hanging out of his nose.

"Well why are you celebrating Carnonymous, you're not Mexican" Webster said.

"Webster you retard, I'm banging that Mexican chick Maria that lives in 432 don't you know that counts. Now get the hell out of here before I call the zoo and tell them a Walrus has escaped"

For some reason Webster went running off crying, allergies or perhaps the onion I was cutting. Well a few hours and a couple cases of beer later everyone was having a really good time. One of my frat bro's wanted to show off the sound system in his car so he went and got the car started and began blasting some tunes.

He decided to show off his sub's he had in his trunk so he popped the trunk. Everyone came outside to admire the power of his subs as they blasted out "Batdance".

"AND WHERE" BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

"AND WHERE" BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

"IS THE BATMAN???" Jack Nicholson/The Joker yelled out through Dave's subwoofers.

After the song was done we all commended Dave on the awesomeness of his sound system. We all started to head back in when Dave started cussing a storm. It seems he locked the keys inside his car, the windows were rolled up, and the sunroof was closed. Dave got so pissed he threw his beer into the trunk and started screaming.

I told him if he would quit inventing curse words he could just go in through the trunk and fold the rear seats down.

"Dude I just spilled beer all over the trunk, I'm not crawling through that and getting my shirt messed up". Dave said.

He did have a point after all, we were all dressed in these really fancy $20 t-shirts from American Eagle. None of us wanted to ruin them, at that point the good lord smiled down upon me for Webster shuffled past us that very moment.

"Hey Webster, want a hamburger buddy?" I axed

"Sure! I would love one, put cheese, and bacon, and mushrooms, and more cheese, and another patty, and..." Webster rumbling off more fattening items

"Wait wait wait, Webster. First I need you to do me and my buds a favor then I'll grill you a hamburger. Dave locked his keys in his car, crawl through the trunk, fold down the rear seats and unlock the door so he can get his keys" I instructed.

"Promise you'll cook me a burger? With everything on it?" Webster axed

I told him yes indeed I would and before I even finished that sentence Webster was jogging straight toward the trunk.

Something odd happened then. The closer and closer Webster got to Dave's trunk....the smaller and smaller it started to look. Webster dove in head first and started squirming his way into the trunk. About 1/3rd of the way in he started yelling and screaming.

"Help, I'm stuck, help you guys, and something's making my shirt all wet" Webster was screaming.

"Goddamit Webster, a woman can squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon and you can't squeeze through one little car trunk?" I yelled.

At that point Websters mom and dad came running (well really just power walking as both of them are extremely fat as well) out their apartment.

"Webster? Webster? Where are you honey? We can hear you yelling, Webster?" Webster's mom yelled.

Webster just continued to scream drawing his parents attention to Dave's car and his lower 2/3rd's sticking out, including his fat legs. I guess his mom recognized his cankles because she let out a scream and went running toward the car.

"What in the fuck happened here? Carnonymous what did you do to my little baby?" She screamed.

"Look we caught Webster drinking a beer so he freaked out and tried to jump in Dave's trunk and he got stuck. When you get him out you'll see he stinks like beer, you guys need to keep your son from drinking he's only a teenager for fuck's sake." I told her

At this point one of the other neighbors, who's a cop, came pulling up. He hopped out and wanted to know what was going on. I repeated myself that we caught Webster drinking (cuz Dave's on probation because he got drunk when we went ATV'in and he ran over this old couple's poodle out at the lake. It's total bullshit, accidents happen you know? We couldn't have Dave going to jail for drinking on probation) and got stuck in the trunk.

Webster started screaming he wasn't drinking. At that point his dad and the cop each grabbed a hold of one fat foot and started pulling, Webster started screaming louder and louder as they began pulling harder and harder. Finally with a scream almost like the famous "Wilhelm" (that's in many movies) Webster popped out.

Websters mom hugged him, then sniffed his shirt and the beer all over it.

"Webster you have been drinking, young man this has just gone too far. You see what your weight has gotten you into? We are going to nip this in the bud before this goes too far." Webster's mom said.

"What do you mean mom" Webster sniffled

"Your father and I have been thinking about this for awhile. We are going to send you to Shady Grove Weight Loss Camp?" She said.

"HOLY FUCK, Websters going to fucking fat kids camp!" I yelled. This immediately made Webster start crying, for some reason the birds sounded a little louder and the sky seemed a little bluer at that moment.

Well the cop said the humiliation Webster suffered was more than enough punishment for him drinking underage so he let him slide, I told Webster he was lucky he got off easy. I wished him a good time at fat camp and told him I would make sure to eat his share of ice cream from the ice cream truck.

Webster started crying and his parents pulled him inside. That was this past Saturday. Monday morning Websters parents left with him early in the morning and dropped him off at the airport to send him to Shady Grove Weight Loss Camp.

Can you believe the little fucker shot me the finger as he was leaving? He should be thanking me, I mean I am partly responsible for him getting sent to fat camp. If he doesn't get this weight thing beat while he's young he's gonna end up the 400 pound guy on the Maury Povich show that has to get a wall of his trailer removed so they can crane lift his fat ass out of bed to take him to a hospital.

Ungrateful little bastard, some people just have no manners.

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