My First Photoshop

This pics also in my Hootie and The Blowme rant below. I think it came out pretty good.


Hootie Falls On Hard Times 

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Hootie and the Blowme: AKA Karma Exists

One of the most painful memories I have of high school is having to listen to Hootie and The Blowfish. How this fratparty band ever got big is beyond me. Not only were they responsible for some of the worst songs ever created they made incredibly crappy videos too.

I am fairly sure all their songs had alot of latent homosexuality in them as well. Don't get me wrong I don't have anything wrong with gay folks, its all well and good, but there was something about these songs that were just a little.......off.

I mean with titles such as "Hold My Hand", "I only want to be with you", and the fact that all the videos only featured guys no hot chicks it made me wonder. Even during the days of Hair Metal where all the singers and band guys wore panty hose and had on makeup and their hair was poofier than any broads, the videos still featured loads of chicks. Yeah Rikki Rocket looks like a complete homo with his poofy hair, but he has more breasts around him than Colonel Sanders so that negates it all.

I remember not being sure if I was going to vomit or pop a boner as I made out and felt up this broad back in high school while Hootie was playing in the backround. It seemed everytime Major Frank Dong was rising to the occassion the volume would increase and I would hear "I only want be with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu", BAM instant bile reflex.

One chick I was trying to bang in high school LOVED Hootie, so I was forced to listen to it all the time while driving around, hanging out whatever. Guys' bitch about going to some pussy Hugh Grant movie, hey at least after 90 minutes thats over. Think of being in a NEVERENDING Hugh Grant movie and you know the hell that was my life that year.

Well the chickens have finally come home to roost. Yesterday my prayers were answered and I caught what may be the greatest commercial of all time. It was a commercial for Burger King and it featured none other than Darius Tucker the lead singer dressed as Howdy Doody and singing about Chicken Sammichs.

I realize the guy has more money than I probably ever will (at least I think he does, if he is shilling for Burger King maybe not), but it is so freakin hilarious to see how the mighty have fallen.

There's only one black man that can dress that way and not look ridiculous. His name was Cowboy Curtis and he was on Pee Wees Playhouse. Darius Tucker looks like Chairey could make him his bitch in that commercial.


Hootie Falls On Hard Times 


Want something even FUNNIER? Go to a Hootie message board and hear the hootie fans trying to defend it and work it around to where this is a genius idea by Darius. It ain't genius that made him do this, it's bills.

Now if I can just see the members of LFO, Backstreet Boys, NSync, and Avril Lavenge dressed as animals and shilling for Chucky Cheese all my prayers will be complete.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Star Wars Episode III: AKA Lucas Fists Us Again

So tons of nerds are counting down the days to Star Wars Episode III Revenge Of The Sith, or for the Star Virgins Superfan SWIII:ROTS, and it seems that tons of people are reaching a fevered pitch to see this movie. I have one important question about that....


Why?

I seriously feel like George Lucas personally fist fucked me twice with each of the previous "prequals" and I am wondering why this one will be different. Lets face it, Episode I and II both sucked complete and utter donkey ass. Lets go over a quick synopsis of each of the previous prequals:

Episode I:

-Korean Aliens talk about nefarious plan to do something
-Obi Wan and his mentor show up and fight, fight scenes suck
-They crash land on crappy planet and meet the most annoying character since Cousin Oliver, Jar Jar Binks
-Jar Jar proceeds to take a huge shit on the audience and mock their $10 invested in this turd with his crappy antics
-They land on Tatooine and meet a horrible played Anakin (as a kid).
-We find out the force isn't anything mystical its an infection. Herpes gives you sores and incredible pain, the force mydocholrians give you the ability to force choke someone
-They fight Darth Whoever and kill him
-Everyone muses if there are any more Sith. Even without knowing ANYTHING about Star Wars and knowing the Emperors name is Palpatine, Corky from Life goes on can figure out that Senator Palpatine is the other Sith

Episode II:
-We are introduced to an older Anakin. Instead of being the horrible actor kid, we see Hayden Christiansen who could be replaced by a log with mullet/rat tail combo haircut. His is that wooden an actor.
-We learn Anakin has a boner for Padme who he met in the first movie. Look I can realize having a fantasy for an ex babysitter or some crap like that, but this girl is a serious sexual predator. I mean she was like 18 and he was 6 and racing space carts when they first met, now she wants to blow him? Thats just creepy
-We get introduced to not quite Boba Fett, and find out a bunch of clones are getting made
-We sit on our asses for about 90 minutes as melodrama plays out, and a mystery that makes Inspector Cleousaus 1 Minute Mysterys seem daunting, unfolds.
-Yoda fights
-Clones fight robots

Everyone tried to excuse this pile of turds with "but man Yoda fought, and the clones fought".

Whooop dee freakin do.

Here I am again kind of looking forward to his next Star Wars movie. It looks like it might be good, but I know I KNOW deep down in my heart of hearts that it will suck like all the others. Yes it has Darth Vader in it, but thats for like 3 minutes.

Its like watching a porno, I don't want to see the all the "story" or whatever just fast forward it till I see tits. If I could go see Star Wars and fast forward it to Darth Vader I would definitely go see it.

I say this knowing fully that I will be sitting on opening night watching this, and then most likely going home to take a long shower and cry cuz lucas assfucked me again.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Breaking News: YOU AREN'T BLACK

Yesterday I was out at Best Buy looking for some new games for my X Box. For some ungodly reason they put the shit I want to look at at the back of the store, thus guranteeing that I have to walk past the music section, film section, every freakin section to get to the X Box games.

Well after picking out Mercenaries Playground Of Destruction (a kick ass game) and a couple flicks, I started walking up to check out. Walking back I had to pass through the music section, I was about to exit it when I heard this:

"daaaaaaaamn girl holla at a dog"

I turned around to see who said this, from tone, vernacular, and way it was said I was expecting a black dude. Well I turn around to see a 16 year old WHITE kid, trying to hit on one of the Best Buy chicks. She blew him off by telling him to talk to her once his balls dropped and he got pissed and called her "a fat ass ho" I seriously think I shit my pants a little cuz I was laughing so hard, but I stuck around cuz I saw a couple of his obvious friends walking up to him.

Two other white kids, one with a wife beater and jeans he had to keep hitching up every second or 3rd step. The other one had on a FUBU t-shirt, ball cap tilted sideways on his head and a skull cap underneath, and what I am sure he thought passed for a touche looking mustache. It seriously looked like he took 3 pubes and glued em to his upper lip.

This is something I see EVERY freakin day. The area I live in is mostly populated by upper middle to upper class white folks. Which mean their rich kids dress like poor black ghetto kids. Nothing says "I'm a poor black ghetto kid" like a $600 outfit of Sean John clothes.

Yo dawg I have been oppressed, quick to my dads Benz to listen to Fitty Cent and reflect upon how far we have come.

In addition to trying to "talk black", these kids dress what they think is black, and try to act like what they see on MTV. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so friggin sad. I think I have finally come up with a solution so they realize how stupid they are.

Every kid that is not black that wants to act that way I am going to offer one helicopter ride to the middle of Harlem. I then want them to:

- Start rapping "Fitty Cent" lyrics like they do in the mall.
- Continue to use words like "dawg, nigga, yo, biznatch, holla, brutha,any variation of izzle, and bling bling" in their sentences
- Do the "pimp walk" as they move around
- Do the "brutha" hand shake with 15 million moves

If they can do that and survive for more than 10 minutes I will officially certify them as a black person.

Any takers?

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

I Vomited All Over Myself: AKA 7th Heaven Musical Episode

Seriously folks......what in the blue hell is going on these days in television? I was flipping through the channels and came upon "a special" 7th Heaven (like every freakin episode isn't a special one with these turds. I seriously think they had a special epsiode when one of the kids took their first crap).

I thought they couldn't figure out a way to make this show suck any worse, I thought surely there is no way they can up the sickenly sweet goodness of this show that makes me go into a diabetic coma (and I don't have diabetes), I told myself surely this has to be a re-run they had to of cancelled this crap after episode 3.

WRONG.

This was a, get ready to control your gag reflex, very special "musical" episode of 7th Heaven. Its okay folks, go ahead and puke I'll wait.................................. okay your back. Thats right a musical episode of 7th Heaven, thats just what we needed.

Words can not describe how horrible this was, I turned it off after the first song then barely made it to the bathroom. This crap made The Apple Dumpling gang look like high art. Simply put 7th Heaven is the worst show EVER. It even used to have Juggslee in it, another sign of its utter suckatude.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Arrested Development Cancelled? Stupidest Fox Move EVER

I just read that one of my favorite television series Arrested Development has had its 22 episode commitment cut to 18, and that the show may be cancelled. Ratings are down to about 1 Million people an episode.

AD is seriously one of the funniest shows on television, and one of the funniest in the a looooooooong time. But since it doesn't

- Have a laugh track
- Feature some crappy comic
- Have cookie cutter episodes like: "Dad buys a car and spends too much", "Dad has two committments at the same time so has to rush between locations and change clothes", "Mom charges too much on the credit ccard", "The Inlaws are coming to town", or everyones favorite "Little Timmy Cheats On A Test"
- Feature a guest "celebrity" like Paris "I'm A Tard" Hilton or Juggslee Simpson

The show was destined to die. Shows like this such as Action, The Tick, Son Of The Beach always seem to garner a cult audience but never widespread success. After all why spend money putting on an intelligent, witty, well written television show that garners awards by the bucketfull when you can spend 5% of that same budget and get a bunch of narcissitic retards to make fools of themselves for whatever ridiculous premise you have for this reality show.

How sad is it that American Idol, The Swan, and crap like that stay on the air and this show gets the freakin axe? Is it too late to book Ryan Seamen or his lookalike on Extreme Makeover for Arrested Development and fool the masses into thinking its a reality show?

Can anyone out there SERIOUSLY say they would rather watch George Lopez stink it up for 30 minutes instead of GOB's chicken dance for 5 seconds?

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

A Letter From My Friend Hung Row

When I was in school me and my bro made friends with a Japanese Exchange Student. This guy was totally kick ass and quite the ladies man. His first name was Hung, so we used to always joke that his name full name was Hung Row.
Well Hung has decided to settle down in the small town of Lubbock Texas, because as he says "Hai rove arr the rovery raidies of rubbock". Every now and then he sends me or my bro a retter, excuse me a letter letting us know what he has going on. The only problem is he uses one of those voice recognition software programs, and it takes down literally everything he says. Needless to say there are some grammatical errors, but bear with it as I always like to post Hungs letters unedited.

Here's one I got the other day

"Carnonymous San,

Hai this is your good friend Hung, and hai just thought hai wourd writer you a ritter retter to see how you are doing. Everything is going pretty darn good here, hai think deciding to setter down in Rubbock is one of the best decisions hai have ever made. The raidies......oh the raidies they are just the sexiest in the worrd. You know this is coming from the man name "The Tokyo Torpedo" in my homerand of Japan.

Hai have gotten arr settered down in my new bacherors pad, and wirr start going on out the town pretty soon. Hai wish hai courd have you and your bro to pray wingman, hahahahaha, jk. Oh werr hai have to go for now, but hai wirr right you very soon.

Your good friend,

Hung"

I'll keep you guys updated when Hung sends more letters, who knows what this guy is gonna get in too.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Ashlee Simpson Is Either Brilliant Or Retarded

I realize alot of you are really thinking I must be either a complete tard or joking, but I am not joking (and not a tard either my school bus said so). I realize most of you look at Juggslee Simpson and hear's what you see:

1. Her dressed like Stevie Wonder picked out her outfits: They usually range from fake "Emo" attitude clothes, crap from the Avril Lavenge collection at K Mart, or some weird funky looking clothes she probably paid 1000% higher than they are worth at some fashionable boutique in LA that claims these are one of a kind clothes but the truth is they have a room full of coked out midget retards sewing them together.

2. Her "dancing" on stage like someone experiencing a combination of the worlds worst epileptic seizure while trying to stand up during a 40.5 Richter Scale earthquake

3. Her "singing" her music while her poser band plays in the background. All the dudes in her band are trying to look tough and all metal/rock, but freakin come on how tough can you be playing Pieces Of Me for chrissakes. Spinal Tap laughs at how fake these guys are. Combine that with her "vocal stylings" which I can only relate to a million cats being burned alive in a trash compactor.


How Long Till This Broads In Playboy? 

Most people go "this girl sucks, she's the worst ever". But guess what, these same folks find themselves tuning into The Orange Bowl to see how bad she is gonna suck, or turning on the Juggslee Simpson show to see her version of the imfamous Milli Vanillesque SNL event.

I am telling you nobody could be as stupid, vocally and clothing style challenged as this girl. It is all an act, she now knows that people will tune in to see how bad she is or if she messes things up. Kind of like watching the Chargers back when Ryan Leaf was QB'ing for em.

And in the age of William Hung and J Lo, does singing talent really matter? At least she has a great rack to stare at.


Two Years From Now I Gurantee She Is In Snoop Doggs next Doggystyle Porno 

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Yes You're Emo and You Suck.

I seriously just don't understand the current "emo" thing thats going on. I am not talking about the real emo from 20 years ago, I am talking about the pop culture marketed emo that's out there. I really didn't pay much attention until one time down in Austin I ran into some "emo" kids (I say kid and I am 24, but these people acted like 12 year olds) at a bar on 6th street.

I made some comment about a clique or a cult or something like that and one of the emo nerds turned around and went off with something to the effect of "For you're information we are all like a million times more individuals than you are. You wear your Amerian Eagle clothes like eveyone else, but we all actually take the time and pride in ourselves to stand out as individuals."

This was coming out of the mouth of a 20 year old girl wearing an "Emo Gurls Rock!" t-shirt. I told her just because you're into the emo fad don't act like you are suddenly original, if it was 10 years ago they would be wearing long sleeved t-shirts under another tshirt and torn jeans and be talking about how Grunge they are. Stupid Emo Girl then said "emo isn't a fad, emo's a LIFESTYLE" I almost pissed my pants from laughing so hard at that. I asked her what does the "emo lifestyle" entail. Here's what I learned:

1. All Emo people are incredibly individualistic, unlike us pop culture conformists
2. They pride themselves on being different
3. They listen to music off the mainstream path


...... I then started looking at the 5 people with her and realized something. THEY WERE ALL THE SAME FREAKIN PERSON.

Seriously, it seems to be an incredibly individualistic Emo person you all wear the same outfit consisting of:

1. Cord pants or vintage jeans
2. Thick black clunky shoes
3. Thick rimmed "emo" glasses
4. Dyed hair (usually black) that is either spiked up or greased down into a bowl cut
5. Vintage T-shirts or cardigans
6. Leather wristcuff bracelets
7. At least one piercing usually some lame ass nose piercing

I decided to take the time to ask them what "emo" bands they listen to, and here's what they listed:

1. Yellowcard
2. AFI
3. Dashboard Confessional
4. Jimmy Eat World
5. New Found Glory
6. Weezer
7. Saves The Day

Only one of them isn't on a MAJOR freakin record label. I asked them if they realized that all the bands they listed are on MTV and top 25 radio stations, and that all their clothes I am fairly sure could be bought at Hot Topic. They got pissed at that and left.

After getting totally blasted on 6th street I went home. The next day I started doing some reasearch on "emo" and was amazed at the total and complete utter bullshit this "lifestyle" was. All these emo people looked and dressed the same way, yet on Emo boards they were all crowing about how nobody understands them cuz they are way too individualistic for everyone around them.

I then found the other extreme of "emo" music listeners. The ones that only like the bands that 5 people, including themself, know about. They then like to crow about finding this great unknown band like thats some merit badge for the loser Emo Scouts. But when the band gets like 200 people to listen to them they have then sold out.

I finally figured out these are alot of the same fags that hang out at Starbucks for like 3 hours with their laptops, drinking a Double Mocha Frappachino Latte Pumpkin Spice with Half Calf Two Year Old Coffee Beans hold the foam, discussing the latest episode of the Ashley Simpson show in deep thought, and rubbing their tibetan worry beads the whole time.

Yes you're emo, you're an individual in a lemming kind of way, and yes you suck.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Jaws 4 Is The Most Informative Movie EVER

After catching 24 (which rocked out) I flipped around the channels and caught the last 1/4 of Jaws 4. Now from Jaws 4 I learned several things I never freakin knew about sharks

- Sharks are vindictful: The movie starts out with Jaws eating one of the Brody kids in Amity harbor. This is of course since Chief Brody killed like 3 of his brothers in previous installments. Not to digress but you would think that these stupid Brodys would learn to never go in the water. I mean for christ's sake it seems wherever they are huge sharks are, kind of like Michael Jackson and little boys. Anyways, this evil great white then follows a pretty skanked out Lorraine Grey (Mama Brody) all the way to the Bahamas where Sean Brody lives. Apparently this shark was pissed its brethen didn't get to take out Sean Brody (played by Dennis Quaid in the highpoint of his career in Jaws 3-D) when he worked at Sea World in Jaws 3-D.

- Sharks Can't Tell One Black Dude From Another: In Jaws 4 the shark goes for Mario Van Peebles, Sweet Sweetbacks Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadass son himself. He probably thought he was Louis Gosset Jr from Jaws 3.

- Sharks Can Roar: Jaws actually roars like a goddamn lion in this turd of a movie. I shit you not, check it out. Not only does the shark roar in the water, he roars as he jumps through the air. Not a little roar either, a godzilla f'in roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooar.

- Sharks Hate Strobe Lights: Don't even ask me how, but for some reason they develop this thing where one of the Brodys hits a strobe light which pisses the shark off, causes him pain, and causes him to leap in the air roaring. I realize that this still makes the sharks smarter than exstacy riddled ravers, but come on. I mean in the other 3 movies Jaws gets shot, speared, punched, electrocuted, and what not yet a strobe like hurts him? Finally they hit a bright enough strobe to make the shark leap 10 feet into the air, roaring of course, so he can get impaled by the boat and then explode.

Screw Jasque Cousteau or National Geographic I have the USA Network.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

The Rant Archive

Below Are The Various Rants I Have Written On Everything From Pop Culture To Politics





1. Jaws 4 Is The Most Informative Movie EVER


2. Yes You're Emo & You Suck


3. Ashlee Simpson Is Either Brilliant Or Retarded


4. Arrested Development Cancelled? Stupidest Fox Move EVER


5. I Vomited All Over Myself: AKA 7th Heaven Musical Episode


6. Breaking News: You Aren't Black


7. Star Wars Episode III: AKA Lucas Fists Us Again


8. Hootie And The Blowme: AKA Karma Exists


9. Vin Diesel: Gay Porn Star?


10. Fattys In Scooters & The Amish, Why Obesity Isn't A Disease


11. Boner Pills: Medical Problem Or Fat Wife (Here's A Hint, It's Fat Wives)


12. Jesse Jackson Champion Of The People


13. Hendrix, Clapton......ESTEBAN???


14. My Plan To Rule Midget Town


15. Cl.One Is The 2nd Worst Film Of All Time And I Want My Damn Money Back


16. I Think I'm Going To Torture A Puppy (My One Comment On Terri Schiavo)


17. Hillary Swanks Hubby Is A Tub Of Blubbering Poon


18. Hey Gwen Stefani Blondie Called And She Wants Her Act Back


19. Teacher/Student Relationships, A Disturbing Trend


19. I Am Going To Release Ebola Infected Monkeys Into The Real World House


20. Do Yourself A Favor Catch Kung Fu Hustle


21. A Note To Bono, Shut The Hell Up


22. Don't Call This A Blog (I Am Changing Names)


23. My 3 Step Process To Cure Aids, Cancer, and Ebola


24. Mr T, Better Than Those Tools On American Idol


25. Metrosexualism (Or Real Men Don't Take Facials)


26. Bad Dudes Is The Sweetest Game EVER


27. I Hate It When Celebrities Get Sick


28. So You're A Vampire? Well Then Say Hello To My Stake


29. Carl Winslow Was On The Take


30. Maury Povich Is The Worlds Greatest Salesman


31. 10 TV Shows I Would Rather Have A Coca Cola Enema Than Watch


32. George Lucas Is Americas Best Paid Whore


33. Cowboy Troy: AKA Black Folks Get Their Revenge For Vanilla Ice


34. Attention Fat Broads, If You're A Size 12 You Can't Wear A Size 2


35. I Have Serious Problems With Porno Previews


36. Jurassic Park 4 Is Experiencing Script Issues: I Ask "What's The Fucking Problem?" (And Solve It)


37. Live 8: The Worlds First Transcontinental Circle Jerk


38. The Chipmunks: Family Fun Or Animated Pedophelia?


39. Health Care Crisis? Here's My Solution


40. America Is Becoming More Stupider And Lazier


41. If There Really Is A Just And Loving God Hurricane Katrina Wouldn't Of Hit New Orleans......It Would Of Hit The MTV Video Music Awards


42. Thank God I'm White (How Libs Have Convinced Me Bush Really Is Out To Get Blacks)


43. Extermination Camps: Who's On My Lists


44. Hogan Knows Best Has The Potential To Be The Best Show EVER


45. Ted Kennedys Writing A Book, How Do I Know Swimming Isn't Involved?


46. Tookie Dies, Libs Cry...Somewhere I Am Smiling


47. 20 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch The Omen On Opening Day


48. I Really Hate Steve Harvey And I Can't Explain Why


49. Prince Should Do Every Soundtrack Out There


50. If I Was A Serial Killer "Americas Got Talent" Would Give Me A Lifetime Of Victims


51. Holy Shit They're Making Roadhouse 2. Does This Mean Patrick Swayze Will Write A Sequel To "She's Like The Wind"?


52. Why Do Fat Broads Always Control Their Men?


53. Al Jolson Was Way Ahead Of His Time


54. Phil Of The Future Is A Motherfucking Fraud:AKA Carnonymous Speaks On Y2K, Peak Oil, Bird Flu And The Rest Of The Things Sure To End The World

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Mohammeds Archive

Everyone's favorite former Iraqi Information Minister speaks:


1. Hello Infidels, Allow Me To Explain The Newsweek Situation

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

The Reverend Jackson's Archive

Here you can find The Good Rev's brilliant rants, reviews, and thoughts on how much he hates whitey.

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

The Webster Archives

Below are all the posts I have done about Webster, the fat kid that lives next door to me.

1. I Really Hate My Neighbors Fat Son (The Webster Chronicles)


2. The Slip N Slide Incident (Webster Hurts Himself)


3. Webster Gets A Workout


4. Call Me Ishmail (Webster In the Swimming Pool


5. You Take The Good, You Take The Bad, Goddamn Websters Really Fat (Webster Learns The Facts of Life)


6. I Make Webster Cry, What A Great Day!


7. Webster Plays Paintball


8. Webster Gets Sent To Fat Camp


9. Apparently Some Of You Turds Love Webster, So You Sent Me Hatemail


10. Websters Brother Frankie Is Out Of Jail


11. Frankie Goes To Hollywood


12. Frankie's 4th Of July Fireworks Fiasco


13. Webster Sends A Letter From Fat Camp


14. Frankies Inferno


15. Webster Goes To The Movies

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here

Trailer Park Boys

Trailer Park Boys is quite possibly the most brilliant televison series of all time. Set in the fictional Sunnyvale Trailer Park in Canada, it follows around three main characters named Julian, Bubbles, and Ricky as they attempt to make a better life for themselves through any means necessary. That can include growing dope, making pornos, or opening up an illegal gas station in the park.

Shot in a documentry style similar to Cops, Reno 911, The Office, or The Newsroom, Trailer Park Boys is a show that anyone with a sense of humor should absolutely love. Below are recaps of every episode, including moments to look out for, and (if possible) an embedded video of that episode.

1. Season 1 Episode 1 Recap (Video Included)

Prepare Yourself For My Brilliance, Then Click Here