The Chipmunks: Family Fun Or Animated Pedophelia?

I seriously can't believe that this show hasn't come under the crosshairs of family groups out there. I know what you're saying. "Carnonymous, the Chipmunks was all about good wholesome family fun, how could it possibly be bad?"

Easy, I say. I mean come on think about it. A single guy with three young boys that live with him and they are obviously not his? I mean if a single white guy has three black kids, he could at least say the mom was black and left him/died. These fuckers were a whole other species, which means they weren't his or Dave was a serious freak.

In the Chipmunks universe though Dave is supposedly the father, in fact here's Dave's bio from the official Chipmunks website.

Like any single parent trying to raise three kids, let alone three hyperactive chipmunks, Dave has his patience tested on a daily basis. Not only does he juggle his professional life as the songwriter of the musical trio, he's also the Chipmunks mother, father, and confidant.

Is that not seriously disturbing to you? That means that this family started off with Dave fucking a female Chipmunk, not the best of foundations for a normal healthy family I would say. I honestly think that this could very well be the most fucked up musical family ever, and that includes The Jacksons.

So after Dave's unholy union with their mother (which one can only logically assume was blessed by Satan himself) she suddenly disappears. I think it's fairly obvious that Dave killed her after child birth, I wouldn't be too surprised if he did something horrific with the corpse that sick fuck. I bet the kids still don't get it when he calls their mom "his lucky charm" then strokes what looks like a rabbits foot on his keychain, what a disturbed man.

Then we come to the matter of the way the Chipmunks dressed. Always in just a long t-shirt and no pants. Basically running around in the clothes they probably slept in, very disturbing. I bet that Dave had Alvin and the others climb ladders all the time and he would stand beneath them and "hold it steady".

Did Dave EVER have a date, like ever in the history of the show? Freakin John Arbuckle pulled more trim than Dave, and Dave looked like he made tons of bank managing the Chipmunks.

When you look at any other showbiz family where the dad runs things, he's usually a slick dressed smarmy guy who you just know is pulling all kinds of tail. Joe Jackson was baggin every hobag wanting to meet little Michael (even before he figured out Michael liked boys), Macaulay Culkins parents robbed him blind to party, Lindsay Bigcans dad is freakin awesome that guys so messed up, hell even Jessica Simpson's dad is pretty cool cuz he knows what great floppy knockers his daughter has and you know he's freakin banging chicks left and right backstage.

Dave.....you look at this fucker and you just know he has ZERO interest in chicks. All he does is run around going "Alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll VINNNNNNNN!"

What reason would you force your kids to become child stars, other than to:

-Get fat filthy freakin Bruce Wayne rich off of them
-Tag all the fans you can get your grubby hands on
-Live vicariously through them

Dave did none of that. Am I supposed to think that he was just a really great single dad who plutonicly loved his kids and wanted them to succeed so much he sacrificed his best interests and had zero social life? I think my explanation makes far more sense.

Holy fuck I'm a genius.

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Webster Sends A Letter From Fat Camp (The Webster Chronicles)

Holy crap you guys, I guess the mailman accidentally put a letter for Websters family in my mailbox. Since I live next door to them I guess he got the numbers confused. I just opened it up and here's what he wrote:


Dear Mom and Dad,

Things are going okay here at camp, I really miss you guys and I can't wait to be back home. I have lost a few pounds and I am really starting to feel good about myself, I think I can take what I am learning here and really turn my weight problem around.

The counselors said that we can have one item from home mailed to us as a reward for doing so well. My bunkmate Steve has a television already so I was wondering if you could mail me my PS2 and a few games. We have a couple of hours of free time in the evenings and that would be really cool.

I got your message that Frankie is out of prison and staying home again and I can't wait to see him. I just hope he can stay out of trouble this time, just keep him away from [My Real Name] because he always get's into trouble when he's around that jerk.

I love you so much and I can't wait to get home and have some of mom's home cooking. I am hungry just thinking about it.

Love,

Webster



This is freakin horrible, Webster is having a good time and feeling good about himself? This is quite simply unfuckingacceptable. So I have decided to go out and buy a PS2, get a hammer, smash the fuck out of it, and mail it to Webster so he think's his Playstation is fucked up. Sure it's $200 but it's well worth it if it make's Webster cry. Call me a jerk will you, what a completely unfounded and uncalled for accusation.

I also stuffed a case of Baby Ruth's in there as well so hopefully Webster will pig out on those and reverse all the hard work he's put in at Shady Grove Fat Kids Camp. Now I have to go find Frankie and see what kind of trouble I can make him get into.

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Live 8: The Worlds First Transcontinental Circle Jerk

Why is it that musicians, actors, and celebrities are under the mistaken impression that they can change the world simply through speaking about something? You want to "raise awareness" by holding a concert? Shit lots of things raise awareness, like drugs. Personally I think holding a weed-a-thon while Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon is sync'd up with The Wizard of Oz will do just as much for Africa as Live 8 is going to. I'm sure they have good intentions, I really do but it seems that these "awareness" events that they do end up degenerating into several things:

1. Huge backstage clashes of celebrity egos

2. Hours and hours of millionaire celebrities telling us what we should do for poor people.

3. Hours and hours of rich ass celebrities patting themselves on the back for how great they are.

It seems that they almost look forward to something horrible happening so they can host a rock concert. I kind of picture this super secret hideout that rock stars and actors hang out at to monitor world events and upon seeing some disaster immediately start planning a concert.

It would probably look kind of like this.



Don't tell me you can't picture that really happening either. It's seems these gabillionaire celebrities can't seem to wait for the next opportunity to tell the unwashed masses what to believe in and do. I am sick and fucking tired of all of their faux caring about the world, they do it just to get attention and to fulfill some sick inner desire for attention. I'm going to start calling these douchebags Celibs instead of celebs.

Live 8 could of been legitimate, it really could of. Here's how:

1. All performers perform for free: As far as I know this did happen, great they actually got one thing right. Of course I guess free is subjective when rule number 2 is broken......

2. To keep costs at a minimum there will be no extravagant catering, backstage area, or gifts for celebrities: Apparently these Celibs were so concerned for starving Africans they decided set the tone and dine on lobster and caviar, drink from a fully stocked bar, had individual dressing rooms designed for the big stars desires, got $7,000 goodie bags, and much much more. Madonna of course had to drink Kabbalah water, then goes on stage and talks about how she feels for the plight of Africans. What a crock, try drinking dirty mud puddle water you turd.

3. Those performing that tell us we need to donate money must automatically donate 5% of their net wealth to Africa: There's nothing quite so condescending as that fake accented chameleon Madonna (excuse me, ESTER, although I bet her checks say Madonna on them) telling me what to do with my money. It's easy to tell us unwashed masses that we aren't doing enough when you're so loaded you have 5 homes, a fleet of cars, and private airplanes. Considering that there was probably a combined several BILLION dollars net wealth at the various Live 8 concerts this would probably either kill the show, or generate a shitload of money.

4. Celibs are told to pull their heads out of their asses and realize they are supposed to be donating their time for the greater good, not personal glorification: Those poor starving Africans dying of AIDS need to shut the fuck up, they have no idea what real pain and suffering is about. I bet they didn't know that Brad Pitt (who graciously donated two minutes of his time on stage) didn't' have his own dressing room which infuriated him, or that Paul McCartney got his feelings hurt when Victoria Beckham ran off to hug a friend. I mean how could she disrespect Paul at HIS SHOW, he purposely strode all over the backstage area making everyone know this was Paul McCartneython. What a bitch, I mean come on Africans all you have to deal with is AIDS, corrupt governments, ethnic cleansing, and famine. Get over it, Madonna almost had to drink something besides Kaballah water THAT'S true suffering.

You guys don't' think this shit happened? Check out http://www.thisislondon.com/showbiz/articles/19692803?source=Daily%20Mail&ct=5

5. Celibs who criticize governments for not giving enough money to Africa, or for frivolous spending that could help Africa must agree to look at themselves and practice what they preach: Hey Rod Stewart want to feed Africa? Try cutting off your worthless whore of a daughter, the money you spend supporting her could probably feed at least two or three African nations. Same goes for you Lionel Richie.

Elton John, maybe instead of buying 500 pairs of diamond studded glasses for your dog you could donate the cost of 10 of them to an African food bank. Just a thought.

6. CHARGE FOR TICKETS: Jeezus you're trying to help Africa but you don't charge for tickets? I mean come on, charge $50 a ticket and you'll raise tens of millions for Africa. Awareness is great but it doesn't put food in stomachs.

7. Celibs must sign a piece of paper where they recognize the concert WILL CHANGE NOTHING: Africa is hopelessly broken and the celibs want to treat the symptoms but not the disease. Want to fix Africa? Start from the top, the governments. The majority of them are so incredibly corrupt and oppressive they're why so little aid money actually gets to the people. Raise awareness about General Mugombo of Mugombia's record of taking aid money and buying Bentleys, that would probably do more good. Wait that couldn't be the real problem could it? Oh no it just because the rich evil nations don't give enough money and are holding those huge debts over the African nations. That has to be it.

Probably the most disgusting thing about these events however is the "I'm so fucking wonderful look what I did" glow the celibs then have afterwards. Like Madonna honestly thinks jumping on stage in her $20,000 outfit (with a belly full of Lobster and Kaballah water) wailing away for awhile and throwing the finger actually helped anyone.



No concert is worth the hours and hours of self important schlock we then have to deal with. As if having to listen to Paul McCartney play isn't enough of a punishment, we then have to watch him on every news show pretty much trying to perform fellatio on himself and talking about how great he is for doing Live 8. Meanwhile Africans will continue to die of AIDS, famine, and goverment/tribal warfare. Great job guys you really made a difference.

God Celibs suck ass.

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Frankies 4th Of July Fireworks Fiasco (The Webster Chronicles)

Man what a fucking amazing 4th of July this was, you guys won't freakin believe it. I am still recovering due to the copious amounts of beer ingested, and this may be the greatest tale in the Webster Chronicles yet. Now while this doesn't involve Webster, my neighbors fat son, it involves another member of his family. His equally fat and even stupider brother Frankie.

Well as is the norm for the 4th of July at Casa De Carnonymous, I throw a little get together where we cookout and get completely trashed. I only get drunk about 3 times a year, the 4th of July, New Years, and my birthday. So it's about 1PM and I have already downed about 14 beers, I was trying to take it slow this time.

I'm grilling some of my world famous Carnonymousburgers with my super secret baste on them, when Frankie comes walking by. First of all the retard was wearing a big American Flag t-shirt and shorts with the Brazillian flag on them (Frankies dad is from Brazil and he's always flying that damned flag from their porch, and the back of their car has the Brazillian flag on it too. If Brazil is so awesome then whey the fuck are you here?) which for some reason just irked me. Don't get me wrong I love the USA, I think she's the greatest nation ever, but idiots that wear that crap once a year and think that makes them patriotic are idiots. Plus this is the 4th of July, the celebration of AMERICA not Ameribrazillia. They need to have some more respect and maturely celebrate our nations birthday like me.

Well as I was downing beer number 15 and followed it with a tequila shooter, Frankie decided to ruin my 4th by talking to me.

"Hey Carnonymous, those burgers smell good can I have one?" Frankie axed as he was slobbering, it was disgusting he looked like Beethoven that dog in all those goddamned awful Disney movies.

"Hmmmm let me see Frankie, how about no way in hell buddy? This is the 4th of July and these hamburgers are only for Americans you douchebag." I told him

"But I am an American, carnonymous, give me a goddamn burger" Frankie yelled.

"Frankie if you were really an American you wouldn't be wearing another countries flag you retard" I informed him.

Frankie shot me the finger and went over to his porch to sulk. He then went and got that damned Brazillian flag and hung it up and started blasting a bunch a bunch of gibberish Brazillian music.

At this point I was really super pissed off so I decided that I was gonna show him what being an American was all about. So I went and got my American Flag and got it all set up, started blasting some Tobi Keef music (I hate Tobi Keef but he was a good counter to Frankie's crap music), and started really pounding the Budweiser's all for the US of A.

After playing Tobi for about 30 minutes Frankie finally surrendered and turned off his crappy music. He came over and apologized to me and then axed for a burger. I told him he could have one on one condition. Me and my friends wanted to see a fireworks display, and if he could get some fireworks and impress us we would give him all the burgers he wanted.

As luck would have it there's a fireworks stand about 500 yards away from the apartment complex. So Frankie stole the apartment complex golf cart (it's one of those super fancy ones they use to take potential residents around the place in) drove off to the stand and came back with like $100 worth of fireworks (all this to get a $5 hamburger, like I said Frankie isn't too bright). I would be willing to bet Frankie got the money from dealing weed, which is what has sent him to jail a couple times, like I said not too bright.

Well Frankie came pulling up with all these fireworks loaded into the back of the golf cart. He said he wanted a burger and I told him first he has to hold up on his end of the deal. So he said he was gonna go setup the fireworks, swung the cart around and started driving away. Well at that moment I just happened to be smokin a cig and as Frankie drove off I flicked it away. Well the wind must of caught it or something cuz it landed right in the back of the golf cart.

I thought about yelling a warning to Frankie, but one of my friends yelled that the TV was coming back from commercial so I of course had to go back inside. Well like 45 seconds later we start hearing all these explosions.

We ran outside to see Frankie gunning the golf cart as fast as he could, and fireworks were shooting out of the back of it. Frankie kept looking back and screaming everytime one went off. It never occurred to him that since the fireworks were in the back seat that no matter how fast he drove the cart, the fireworks/explosions weren't going to get any further away. Like I said Frankie's an idiot.

Well he was too busy looking backwards, screaming, and punching the gas to realize he was swerving the cart. He drove it right off the road, onto the grass, crashed through the fence around the community pool, and that's where we lost site.

So we all ran out to the pool and it was complete chaos. Frankie had apparently run over Mrs. Lankenburgs poodle and killed it then drove the cart straight into the pool. This put out the fire and kept the rest of the fireworks from exploding, but ruined everyone else's 4th of July because they had to shut down the pool.

Can you believe that when the cops showed up that Frankie tried to blame everything on me? That's simply outrageous, granted my accidental flick of my cig might of set off the fireworks (or it could of been spontaneous combustion, that's just as likely), but I never made Frankie steal the golf cart and load it up with $100 worth of fireworks.

God bless the USA.

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