So You're A Vampire? Well Then Say Hello To My Stake

So this broad claims she is a vampire, and apparently molested some girl.

Salinas (BCN) - A Salinas woman who claimed she was a vampire was sentenced Wednesday to six months in county jail for molesting a family friend, according to Monterey County Deputy District Attorney Gary Thelander.

Erin Shatraw, 18, was convicted on March 5 of one misdemeanor count of child molestation.

A jury found she was not guilty of felony sexual assault.

Shatraw apparently claimed to be a vampire, telling the 14-year-old female victim that she would cast a spell on the girl and her family if she didn't engage in sexual activity.

Thelander said the victim had testified that she noticed Shatraw dressing more and more in black, adding to her beliefs that the woman was a vampire.

The girl also testified that she did believe Shatraw could cast spells when the molestations occurred in July.

Shatraw was a friend of the girl's mother and had known the victim for more than a decade, according to Thelander.

Shatraw must now register as a sex offender.






Thats just fine (that she thinks she's a vampire, not the molestation) if this broad thinks shes a Vampire then the judge should issue an appropriate punishment for her.

What punishment would the honorable Judge Carnonymous issue for this woman? Prison time? Nope. Community service? Uh uh. Make her register as a sex offender? Wrong again. There's only one appropriate punishment for this broad.

A stake through the heart.

I am deadly serious, if you think and say you are a real vampire then you're admitting you are a blood sucking undead monster that prays upon mankind. This is some serious shit man, we need to get Wesley Snipes up in this bitch and tell him to go to town.

I can't freakin believe there are people who really think they are vampires. I was watching Sci Fi once and they had some 30 minute show on people who claim to be vampires. They would get their coven of vampires together at night, dress up like faggy Eurotrash, drink pigs blood, and take turns biting each other.

I wonder where these dorks actually find a safe place to gather? There's no way they could do it anywhere in public cuz they would get their asses kicked, that is if those that saw them could stop pissing their pants from laughing so hard.

Most likely in one of their parents basement. I bet their folks want to vomit every time they see their loser 36 year old son that works the night shift at Jack In The Box and spends the rest of the time acting like a fucking vampire in their basement.

I bet the dad cusses out little kids on Halloween if they ring their doorbell dressed up as vampires. He probably breaks into uncontrollable sobs every time he's at the grocery store and see Count Chocula cereal just cuz it reminds him of his son.

One thing I noticed though was the majority of these "vampires" were extremely overweight or underweight guys that looked like they had never been laid in their lives. I guess when you are so busy creating your vampire clans back story and coming up with vampire names like Gorgoth Haz Nirashu you don't have time to get laid. Although there were two semi-hot chicks in the coven as well that I wouldn't of minded staking personally.


Lords Of Darkness 

Whats even more amazing is the fact that this group of wannabe Bela Lugosi's had a ranking system. Thats right, these dorks actually had a head vampire and a vampire council and the ranks went down from there. I wonder what the guy at the bottom of the vampire social structure feels like knowing that even in this world of dorks he's still at the bottom?

He probably wants to off himself (most likely by going outside in the sunlight, which then makes him remember he really isn't a vampire which depresses him even more) when he realizes "fuck man, some guy named His Royal Darkness Lord Grishaz actually looks down on me"

I say that if these dorks go around saying they are vampires then someone should be able to legally wipe them out with no repercussions. I wonder how many of these "covens" are out there?

This may be an untapped business idea......I wonder if I can get some capital together and form the US's first active Vampire Hunting business. We would place ads in all the major newspapers and should be pretty busy wiping out fat losers like the people on Sci Fi, goth kids at raves that think they are the undead, and then maybe move on to people that dress aliens and speak Klingon.

Picture this......its about 4 in the morning in the middle of Twiddle Your Ballsack Iowa and Mr Johnson finally loses it. He's sick of his son living in his basement and acting like a vampire. If he has to listen to his son explain once more that he can't get a job cuz he would be vaporized in sunlight Mr Johnson is gonna hang himself.

He listens downstairs as euro-techno music blasts in his basement. He finally decides to pick up the phone and call the ad he saw in the paper last week. He calls me and my group of vampire hunters.

We show up and bust down the doors of the basement and come upon about ten men in their mid 30's and a few fat broads. We interrupt them doing the robot to The Safety Dance and playing Myst, Lord Grishnash (the loser son) screams at us that we are invading his dark territory and unless we leave our souls will be devoured by his minions of darkness.

I laugh heartily and take a swig of Jack and light up a cigar. Me and my team proceed downstairs and begin to tazer and stun gun these losers senseless as they run around screaming like little bitches. A few hiss at us and bare their $1.99 fangs, which then fall out of their mouths making them remember they aren't vampires just as they get 10,000 watts in their chest.

When they wake up they find themselves each in a coffin buried 6 feet deep. Attached to the liner of the coffin is a note and a flashlight. When they turn the flashlight on they see the note which says:

"Since you're a vampire I figured you would feel comfortable in a coffin. You have two options get a job and move out, or die bitch"

Either way the parents win. Their son/fat daughter joins the workforce, thus guranteeing everyone in Twiddle Your Ballsack Iowa will have someone to bag their groceries or serve their fries. If they want to keep thinking they're a vampire and stick in the coffin there's no need for an expensive burial.

Holy shit there's another $5,000,000 bidness idea I have just given away. My brilliance scares me, it really does.