Carl Winslow Was On The Take (Quite Possibly My Most Brilliant Rant Yet)

Man oh man oh man, sometimes I scare myself with my brilliance. The other day while driving around with some friends we entered into a pretty heated discussion on the show Family Matters. There were two camps of thought on this show:

1. Carl and Family were just a loving, middle class black family trying to make it on love.

2. Carl was such a dirty fucking cop that Vic Macki of The Shield looks like a little bitch compared to him. HOLY SHIT this girl on TV has a great rack...sorry where was I?


Carl Takin Care Of Bidness 

Oh yeah, Carl Winslow dirty cop. I mean come on guys lets face the facts. Cops make shitty money yet Carl had a huge fucking house, was taking care of his slutty sister in law and his momma, and always had cash to bail his son out when Eddie screwed up.

Then there's Steven Q. Urkel, I mean how many freakin times did Urkel fly a rocket pack up through their roof, parchute down through the roof, drive a car into the living room, break tons of shit in the house and whatnot? Yet next week everything was fixed a-ok. That shit wasn't cheap I gurantee you.

Not alot of people remember this, but one of the daughters (Judy) went upstairs at the end of one season and didn't come down ever again, then she ends up in porn. Coincidence? I think not, Carl needed money cuz Urkel broke a priceless Ming Vase he just happened to buy on his cops salary, so he sold his daughter into underage porn. Just horrible Carl, horrible.

Then there was Rachels Place. Carl gave his slutty sister in law the money to open up a restaurant. Just where the hell did Carl get the type of cash to open a restaurant? Underage Vietnemese prostitutes and black tar heroin is my guess.

Well Rachels place burned down like 10 times over the course of the show. Every time a fat insurance check comes in, guess who pocketed a bunch of cash? I will give you two hints, his name starts with C and ends with arl.


Carl Gettin Paid 

I am sure you guys remember when the local gang of street toughts, The Dragons, hassled Rachel at Rachels Place and then burnt it down. Carl managed to track down The Dragons to their super secret hideout (where he probably arrainged gangland murders and drug deals). You have to remember The Dragons were mean suckas, I mean they even had jackets with DRAGONS on them.

So who does Carl send in, the Army, SWAT, Special Forces, ill tempered boyscouts? Nope he sends in Steve Urkel. Let me repeat that STEVE F'ING URKEL. I figure Carl probably thought that The Dragons would sodomize then kill Urkel, thus ridding him of Urkels attention on his daughter Laura.

OR did Carl know something..... did he know that he could rush in and jump in the porta potty and transform himself into Bruce Lee just like Urkel did. Cuz they did that, and proceeded to whip all The Dragons asses. In the European version it was a bloodbath of the likes I haven't seen since Kill Bill Volume 1.

Then there was Urkelbot. Do you guys really think that Steve had all the money sitting around to create a free thinking, fully functional, humanoid robot? Hell no, Carl gave him the cash to create Urkelbot....but he had a sinister purpose. Carl wanted to program Urkelbot to become an assasin droid to take out rival drug dealers and random cripples.

In a quick recap of the episode, Urkel tried to stop Carl from turning his creation into a rampaging death bot so Carl did the only thing any cop in his position would do. Take Urkel out. So he went down to the roughest part of Chicago and brutally beat a 14 year old prostitute to death with a baseball bat and planted Urkels retainer in her anus. When the M.E. did the autopsy he found the evidence and BAM.....Urkels out the picture. This storyline got deleted, but aired in Thailand (the so called "lost" episode) and it totally rocks.


Urkel Gettin Framed 

I am sure many of you are thinking I am reading too much into this, it was TGIF programming and I was just supposed to enjoy it. Uh uh, not me you fuckers. You have to look at how truly evil Carl was.

Holy shit I'm a genius.