Webster Goes To The Movies (The Webster Chronicles)

Well it's been awhile since we had an update on Webster, my neighbors fat son that I really hate so I thought I'd share this little story with you all.


This past weekend I decided to go see the movie Serenity (which actually wasn't too bad). Well as me and my friends were waiting in line to get some concessions who did I see.

Well first things first, I guess I should say "who the hell could I not of missed seeing?". I mean this was the first time I have seen Webster since he got back from Shady Grove Fat Kids Camp. Well all I can say is I hope his parents got their damn money back, cuz Webster actually looks FATTER now than when he left. Of course that could of been from all the Baby Ruths and Cokes I had been mailing him at Fat Camp so he wouldn't lose weight. I mean after all a grown man picking on a skinny little kid is just sad, but a grown man picking on a super fat little kid is hilarious.

Anyways so Webster is in front of me and orders:

-Super Jumbo Popcorn
-500 Oz Soda

at that point I chimed in "Hey Webster looking trim buddy"

He turned around "really Carnonymous"

"Of course not you fat little turd, maybe you should buy the small popcorn and a diet soda. It would save money and wouldn't make you quite as fat." I replied.

Well Webster shot me the finger (I mean how rude is that, what a little turd have some manners) and ordered the Super Duper Jumbo Popcorn with about 6" of butter dripped on it, the 700Oz Soda, Nachos, Nestle Cruncha Buncha, and a box of Nerds.

After watching him waddle off, I got a bottle of water and a popcorn. Well me and my group all went into Serenity which was absolutely packed, it was a sellout.

Well there were people left standing so one of the ushers came in and axed if there's an empty seat next to you if you could move down to make room. Everyone did and there were still people standing.

Then I spotted it.....and smiled...and I mean it was perfect....I looked about 6 rows down from me and there was Webster taking up 2 seats with his tubby ass. I raised my hand and called the usher over. I pointed out that the fat kid was taking up 2 seats and axed "hey doesn't this theater have a policy like the airlines? That if it's sold out you have to buy two tickets or something if you're a fatty?"

He said I was correct then went down to axe Webster if he had two tickets. Webster said no and the usher told Webster he would either have to buy another ticket or only take up one seat.

Webster started complaining he didn't have any more money, then looked up at me laughing my balls off. The rude little tyke shot me the finger and said "Carnonymous, did you tell him to do this, you know I don't have the money for another ticket".

"Goddamit Webster, I'm trying to teach you an important life lesson and look out for your health. If you had spent less money on concessions you would be able to afford that 2nd ticket and would only be consuming 1,800 calories instead of 4,200, thus making you less fat. Jeeeez at least be appreciative of those trying to help you", I said.

Well Webster was forced to move the armrests around him down and only take up one seat. You guys ever see those square watermelons they sell in Japan? Well that's pretty much what Webster looked like. Except he was so fat quite a bit of this watermelon named Webster spilled over the arm rests. The only problem was Webster cried for like 5 minutes, something about not being able to breathe and the armrests hurting him. Finally this huge black guy sitting to him said "shut the hell up white boy or I'm gonna smack the fat out of you".

What a great evening I mean lets sum it up:

-Great dinner at Super Fancy Chilis earlier
-Webster publicly embarrased
-Webster uncomfortable during the whole movie which ruined it for him
-Seeing a black guy saying he was gonna slap the fat out of Webster

Oh yeah, the movie was pretty good too.

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Thank God I'm White (How Libs Have Convinced Me Bush Really Is Out To Get Blacks)

Yeah yeah I know this article is about a month late, well I wrote it a month ago but have just been hellaciously busy with life so it's just getting posted now. Read it, love it, and look for a Webster update coming this week.

The reaction after Hurricane Katrina has just been unfreakinreal. I'm glad I have managed to get my news from something else than Fox News or The Drudge Report lately, because I never would of found out about the vast conspiracy out there to destroy black people.

From what I have gleamed lately from the mass media (TV, Radio, Print, Internet) it seems that the response to Hurricane Katrina (and quite possibly the Hurricane itself) is all part of a plot that:

-President Bush
-Republicans
-Corporate America
-Pretty much all of white America except the libs

to destroy and kill African Americans. I mean we have heard of a death toll in the "10,000 range" (according to Mayor Whiney of New Orleans, which as of now 10/11/05 we all know is way wrong) and we know they will all be black not because that the vast majority of New Orleans is black, that New Orleans is for the most part a poor city, and the vast majority of those poor (and thus unable to get out of the city) are black....oh no it's all part of the evil plot to kill blacks.

I mean if this storm conjured up by the Evil Warlock Rove doesn't kill enough African Americans then it's up to Bush to make sure FEMA and everyone else withholds aid so that pestilence and crocodiles finish off the rest of them. I mean what's more believable that Bush purposely withheld aid or that Mayor Whiney and Governor failed to do their job and get the ball rolling and in fact even blocked federal aid. I think you know which one makes more sense, obviously Bush hates blacks.

If all that evidence doesn't convince me of that fact I only have to turn to the one man that comes to mind when I think "Intelligent Argument" Kanye West. When not busy rapping Kanye is out there getting the word out. I mean I wasn't ready to believe that my President hates black people until I heard this incredibly well thought speech by Kanye

I hate the way they portray us in the media. You see a black family, it says, "They're looting." You see a white family, it says, "They're looking for food." And, you know, it's been five days [waiting for federal help] because most of the people are black. And even for me to complain about it, I would be a hypocrite because I've tried to turn away from the TV because it's too hard to watch. I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right now to see what is the biggest amount I can give, and just to imagine if I was down there, and those are my people down there. So anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help -- with the way America is set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible. I mean, the Red Cross is doing everything they can. We already realize a lot of people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way -- and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us! George Bush doesn't care about black people!

I mean the thoughtfulness..... the eloquence....who can argue with this speech? Anyone that possibly thought that President Bush cared for black people after this really has to be convinced otherwise.

To make things worse during the entire time President Bush was purposely withholding aid to blacks Fox news joined in. Fox (along with The Drudge Report) started to print wild stories of looting, rapes, the majority by blacks of course. Nevermind the fact that the majority of those left in New Orleans were black, this was just another move by the Republicans to shift the focus off Bush trying to execute his African Holocaust.

I mean you have to understand when you cram that many people into the Superdome a few dozen rapes and murders are going to happen right? Is that really a news story, or should we focus on the lack of aid? As far as the whole looting thing, I mean who doesn't have the right to take a few necessities. I know if I was in a flood situation my first thoughts would be to get food, water, and a plasma screen 52" tv, duh.

Now of course we're hearing reports that the death toll isn't going to be near as bad as expected. Where we were thinking that we would have tens of thousands dead we are looking at hundreds dead. While one death is one too many, this death toll is far better than once predicted. Now does this mean that Hurricane Katrina didn't do the job Bush wanted and kill enough blacks? Or is Fox News somehow covering it all up?

It's just so confusing. I mean initially I thought that things weren't great, but that they weren't bad overall. I thought there were some serious fuckups at the local, state, and federal levels concerning the situation in New Orleans and that all parties were to blame. Now I just don't know....I mean do I believe that the situation in New Orleans was equal parts Government Fuckup and Worst Case Scenario coming together? Or should I believe this is all a big conspiracy by the evil Republican Bush Administration to kill off blacks? I'm not sure what to think, I sure hope Sean Penn and Jesse Jackson chime in soon.

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