Holy Shit, They're Making Roadhouse 2. Does This Mean Patrick Swayze Will Write A Sequel To "She's Like The Wind"?

I'm sure everyone out there has watched the movie Roadhouse. Whether it be at 4AM on TBS, part of a Patrick Swayze film festival (which probably includes other Oscar snubbed pics such as Red Dawn or Point Break), or you're living in Mexico and it is a brand new theater release. For those 4 of you that haven't seen Roadhouse let me sum it up to you in a few short points:

1. Patrick Swayze is a short little bad ass

2. Everyone thinks he was taller

3. He runs around the movie in a very homoerotic way, yet manages to nail a hot chick

4. Sam Elliot shows up and whups ass

That's pretty much the movie in a nutshell. I am sure by now you are asking why in the hell did it take them 17 years to make a sequel? Of course I am sure it's probably because they are waiting to make all those other Swayze sequels. I mean who here still isn't waiting for Red Dawn 2, Point Break 2, or Steel Dawn 2? To get off on a tangent for a minute, I'm still not sure that Red Dawn and Steel Dawn aren't connected. It is VERY possible that Swayzes character in Steel Dawn is a descendant of his character in Red Dawn. If there were Cubans and Russians running around in Steel Dawn I could be 100% sure. Moving on.....

What I want to know is why isn't Swayze in this movie? I mean you're gonna replace him with Johnathon Schaech? Fucking Johnathon Schaech? I mean I realize Schaech really showed his acting chops in movies like Poison Ivy II, 8MM 2, and The Adventures of Brisco County Jr with quite possibly the greatest actor of all time Bruce Campbell. What the fuck is Swayze doing that is so goddamned important? I don't care if he is curing cancer or retardation he can put down his scientist jacket and clip board and shoot a movie. The only acceptable excuse is he is gearing up to shoot Red Dawn Vs Point Break. Holy fuck would that movie rock. I can just picture Charlie Sheen, Keanu Reeves, and Swayze surfing as they attack a bunch of damn Cubans and Russians. WOLVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRINES MOTHERFUCKERS. The only possible thing that I can think would hold up this movie would be if those guys that wrote Surf Ninjas are blocking it by saying it's copywriting. That would just be stupid, I mean Charlie Sheen, Swayze, and Neo would be 40 year old high school kids from rural United States not ninjas. Duh.

Alas Road House 2 won't be starring Jack Dalton. Although it does have Jake Busey in it, so that must mean it won't be that bad. I think the thing that upsets me the most is the fact that we can't look forward to another musical masterpiece by Patrick Swayze. I mean the only thing better than Road House was the great song "She's Like The Wind" by Patrick Swazye. Granted he did the song for Dirty Dancing, but that really should of been the end credits song for Roadhouse. Words can not describe what a panty dropper this song is, it is fucking amazing. Swayze doesn't even really sing, he just whispers really sad sounding and stares off into the distance in all his mulleted glory and it's like BAM! instant panty dropping. It's the equivalent of giving college girls alcohol. I'm serious guys, next time you're throwing a kegger put on She's Like The Wind and all the chicks will start making out it's fucking amazing. If you partnered up Swayze and Joey "Whoah" Lawrence on a music tour that would be bigger than a Beatles & The Monkees tour.

Fuck that would rock.

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If I Was A Serial Killer "Americas Got Talent" Would Give Me A Lifetime Of Victims

So there's this craptastic new show on called "Americas Got Talent" which is funny because it's hosted by a man with absolutely none. I can't think of a better place to either:

A. Be the site of a major natural disaster (earthquake, tsunami, Star Jones crapping)

B. Find victims to kill if you are a serial killer

I mean first to of all the show is hosted by Regis Philbin, that's too good an opportunity right there. Why this completely fake, ephedra fueled douche is beloved by millions is beyond me. In the opening segment Philbin introduced the judges and when describing Sir David Hasselhoff he actually referred to him wearing that super fancy lit up jacket that he wore while singing at the Berlin Wall. That would be funny if I wasn't so sure that Philbin (and Hasselhoff) actually thought that was a true accomplishment.

But the Rege isn't the only one that makes me think this show and it's members are ripe for a much justified painful death. I mean in this first episode (from what I could watch before passing out from projectile vomiting) we got to see a:

-Professional Finger Snapper: This assclown calls himself Bobby Badfingers, and he's a professional finger snapper. Guess who dropped out of high school because he just knew he was gonna be a big Hollywood Star and is still living in mom and dad's basement? I'll give you two guesses and the first one doesn't count. I don't know this guy and I seriously want to kill him he just looks like a huge douchebag. No man should ever have a black mustache, black pants, black shirt, and black sunglasses unless his name is Burt Reynolds.

-Horn Guy: Some guy runs around wearing a suit of bike horns. Like the kind that 8 year old kids of 30 year old retards honk on their bicycles with storage bins on the front. Now if this guy wanted to impress me he should run around in a suit covered with dildos because that's exactly what he is.

-Two Chicks, Guy, And A Donkey: There's only one place in the world where this would be entertaining, and that place is called Tijuana Mexico. Lord knows that show sure as hell wouldn't be allowed on tv.

-Bernie The 60 Something Old Guy Stripper: I take back my comments on the fingersnapping dude, this old stripper is the biggest douchebag of the night. Men, like fat chicks, should not be strippers. That's a job for coked up teenage and early 20's single mothers, leave it to the professionals please.

-Rapping Granny: Good god you have to be at least 86 years old, JUST DIE.

This show is amusing in a train wreck kind of way but if they really wanted to make it interesting to watch there should be some kind of punishment or danger involved. Like if you don't get picked to move on you get thrown in a pit full of snakes or half to sit in a room for eternity listening to deaf people sing karaoke. If the network was truly interested in helping mankind they would do something.....ANYTHING to keep these people from hitting the street again.

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Prince Should Do Every Soundtrack Out There: AKA My Plead To Have Prince Do The Snakes On A Plane Soundtrack

The other day while pondering such deep thoughts as if this chick at Whole Foods juggs were real or fake, how to torture my neighbors fat son even more (more on that later), and whether or not Rosie Odonnels penis was bigger than mine, lightning struck my brain. It was at that moment that I realized Prince should do the soundtrack for every movie that comes out.

I mean think about it, the two greatest movie soundtracks out there are Purple Rain and Batman. I'm sure everyone out there has seen the greatness that is Purple Rain and heard the music from it. So I am going to focus on the Batman soundtrack as evidence of why Prince should do every soundtrack ever made. Prince doesn't just do some shitty song with a weak hook and then the standard movie song music video which 99.99999923874823748932% of the time features:

-The crappy flavor of the monf artist walking around in front of screens playing scenes from the movie

-Crappy sound clips from the movie

-B grade porno production values

Prince doesn't stand for that shit man. He does this absolutely amazing songs for movies and on top of that turns them into these opera like videos that Wagnerian in their scale. I mean look no further than the video for Batdance.



Amazing wasn't it? I know, I know, it features sound clips from the movie, but I think Prince was doing this almost as slap to those crappy normal movie soundtrack videos. Plus as you can see with the people dressed in Joker, Batman, Vicki Vale, and Batman/Joker outfits (Prince himself) that this is a video not to be taken lightly. There are some very deep undertones running through this video.

I am pretty sure that Prince is making an allegory about the struggle for African Americans during the civil rights movement, womens sufferage, and the Undertaker Vs Underfaker debalce that would happen 5 years in the future at Summerslam 1994. Why this wasn't turned into a Broadway play is beyond me. I mean what would you rather shell out your money for? That fat turd Rosie O'Donnell grunting at Seussical The Musical or to watch a 2 hour play based on Princes vision of Batdance?

No contest at all.

Need more proof of Princes greatness? Fine let me introduce exhibit P, for Partyman.



How fucking amazing was that? I mean it says it all with the opening segment when those guys walk in and go "all hail the new King......PARTYMAN" then that chick goes "who's Partyman?". Prince walks in (this time in half Joker half Prince makeup) and shows those bitches who Partyman is.

I am writing this because it still isn't too late to team up Prince with what will surely be one of the greatest movies of all time......Snakes On A Plane. I mean picture teaming up one of the greatest musicians of all time with what will be one of the greatest movies of all time.

If anyone could build a 7 minute song around clips of Samuel L Jackson yelling "I hate these motherfuckin snakes, die you mother fuckers!" Prince could. Plus just imagine a Snakes On A Plane video in the same vein as Batdance. Prince could dress up in a half Samuel L Jackson half Snake outfit. Shit that would rock like a motherfucker.

So if anyone out there knows any big wigs in Hollywood please do the following things for me:

1. Get them to get Prince on the Snakes On A Plane soundtrack

2. Get me a TV show

3. Have them get Skyler Stone blacklisted, I hate that turd

I'll settle for one out of three.

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I Really Hate Steve Harvey, And I Can't Explain Why.

Steve Harvey....this guy has never done anything to hurt or offend me. Yet for some reason the very mention of his name makes my blood start boiling. I think it stems from the fact that this no talent dude keeps getting TV show after TV show. Really is there that much of a demand for a lead/host that has the following qualifications:

1. Walk woodenly around everywhere. You can not bend your limbs if at all possible.

2. Look extremely uncomfortable on camera at all times.

3. Do absolutely NOTHING but laugh and smile with a huge set of teef and gums showing.

Seriously if any of you have had the "opportunity" to see Steve Harvey in anything you will know what I'm talking about. The guy does absolutely jack freakin shit. Every show he's in all he does is walk around like a human tree, look super uncomfortable, and whenever anything happens (funny or not) unleashes his big ass teef/mustache combo on the world.

Don't believe me? Fine here's some pics of Mr Harvey in action.

Here's Steve showing off his teef.



Oooops look like someone axed Steve a question that made him uncomfortable. What does he do???? He automatically goes into Steve Harvey defense mode. That is laugh, show off your big teef, then go "that's crazy!"



In the below pic I can only surmise that someone either axed Steve about the smash success of The Steve Harvey Show, Showtime At The Apollo Hosted By Steve Harvey, or Steve Harveys Big Time Challenge. Or they just axed "hey Steve, smile uncomfortably and how off your teef!"



Uh oh....looks like someone must of brought an axe or a fire. Steve Harvey (much like a tree) is afraid for fire and axes, FIRE BAD.



Finally here's a shot of Steve hosting "Steve Harvey's Big Time Challenge"

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20 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch The Omen On Opening Day

Well todays June 6th, 2006. For the idiots that want to count it this way today's date is 06/06/06 or 666. The makers of The Omen remake have chosen to use today as the opening date for what will surely be a shitty remake. Lets say today is the end of the world which it very well could be. I mean after all right now that douchebag Kevin Federline still has more money than me, Rosie Odonell still is employed on television, and goddamned Rodney is still on ABC, all signs of a possible coming apocalypse.

So lets say that today, 666, is the last day on earth. Well I can sure as hell think of a lot of things, 666 to be exact but here are 20, that I would do instead of going to see a shitty remake of an awesome movie. So here they are:

1. Challenge a midget to a slam dunk competition to the death.

2. Go up to that hot MILF at work and go "lets play doorbell, DING DONG" and poke the nipple on her new store boughts. Seriously though, dont' go get a new rack and wear low cut tight shirts then get mad when people notice them.

3. Kidnap JJ Abrams and make him tell me what the fuck is going on with LOST

4. Try all the 18 varietys of Samuel Adams, multiple times. Test out that Chaser stuff just in case the apocalypse doesn't happen. If hungover the next day sue Chaser.

5. Crash the filming of a The Truth commercial and axe those idiots why in the fuck they act like the only ones to blame about cancer are the tobacco companies.

6. Challenge a retard to a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos or Candy Land. Procede to beat his ass unmercifully and laugh my balls off.

7. Watch the entire Wrestlemania boxed set. Get pissed off during the Ted Dibiase vs Brutus The Beefcake Barber during Wrestlemania 5 because Brutus was basically Hulk Hogan lite, except with less wrestling moves (if thats possible) and no personality.

8. File a lawsuit against Joe Rogan and Doug Standhope for wrongful death, for killing the fucking Man Show. How in the fuck can you make a show based on dick jokes, beer, broads, boobs, and midgets suck? Jesus fucking Christ thats like the perfect recipe for a TV show and they ruined it.

8. Track down Clay Aiken and axe him who the fuck he thinks he is fooling, I don't think anyone is buying the lie. It's time for that guy to come out and admit the truth...... he obviously lip syncs.

9. Hang out wiff Kevin Dillon, but only if he's like Johnny Drama in real life.

10. Go around town and find people wearing those stuipd ass Vote For Pedro t-shirts. Go "hey it's a meeeeeee, it's a MARRRRIO!" then punch them in the face while wearing the power glove by Nintendo.

11. Spray paint "get over it" on the car of everyone with a "He's Not My President" bumper sticker.

12. Try to figure just why in the hell Everyone Loves Raymond.

13. Drive around a college campus and find douchebag frat guys wiff popped collars listening to rap and let them know they are not black.

14. Ask Satan why in the hell even he would curse mankind with the image of Cathy Bates naked in About Schmidt. Seriously after seeing that I was colorblind and could only smell the scent of limes for like 5 weeks.

15. Watch a marathon of the best episodes of Maury Povich featuring broads trying to figure out who they baby daddy be.

16. Absolutely nothing, which would qualify me to be one of the "personalities" on VH1 or E! countdown shows.

17. Go to the mall wiff a bullhorn and let the fat broads know that baby doll t-shirts don't look good on them. More on this later.

18. Go to Starbucks, explain to the 35 year old "barrista" that if I don't tip someone at 7 goddamn 11 for a $2 cup of coffee I sure as hell won't give someone a tip for a cup of coffee that costs twice as much. When he bitches that he's doing his job I tell him exactly, so don't expect a tip. If he's pissed at being 35 and having to serve coffee then he needs to get a real job.

19. Get hammered drunk and yell at a bunch of kids that The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus don't do that job anymore, it's really the kids parents. Then explain that The Easter Bunny and Santa moved to Miami beach and adopted a Brazilian kid named Diego who also serves as their house boy.

20. Track down Al Gore and tell him an inconvenient truth. That if you sit around and lecture people on global warming, yet at the same time fly around the world and produce far more pollution than THOUSANDS of people, well that makes you a hypocritical asshole.

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Trailer Park Boys Season 1, Episode 1: Take Your Little Gun & Get Out Of My Trailer Park

This is the debut episode of Trailer Park Boys and starts, as most seasons do at a jail with a few of the main characters being released. Today is the day that Julian and Ricky get released from jail to start their life anew. In this episode we are introduced to:

Julian: Usually the brains behind most of the boys schemes, Julian usually always has a rum & coke in his hand and a plan on how to get rich quick and retire.

Ricky: Ricky isn't the smartest guy out of the bunch and sometimes has difficulty speaking and thinking, but he knows he's smart. Most of the time nothing is Rickys fault (he usually blames Cory & Trevor) even though many times it is.

Bubbles: The smartest out of all the boys, Bubbles acts as the moral center of the group. His character does change as the seasons go on, and he plays a bigger role in each progressive season.

Cory & Trevor: It's best to describe them together as they really function as a unit. Cory & Trevor usually serve as the lackeys and blame takers for the boys schemes.

Mr Lahey: A former cop, Mr Lahey is the supervisor of Sunnyvale Trailer Park. He is in a relationship with Randy the assistant Trailer Park Supervisor. Mr Lahey eventually comes to view the boys (especially Ricky) as a cancer that is ruining the park.

Randy: A former male prostitute, Randy is the assistant trailer park supervisor. Known for his huge guy and love of cheeseburgers, Randy is the only ally Mr Lahey usually has in Sunnyvale.

J-Roc: Leader of the toughest, and only, gang in Sunnyvale Trailer Park. J-Roc is an aspiring rap star and eventually (in Season 3) has a rap concert at the park on the roof of his moms trailer.

Cyrus: A recurring character, Cyrus is introduced as a tough guy who moves into Julians trailer during Julians stay in jail. Cyrus appears in future seasons and always drives the same car and has his signature line "fuck off I've got work to do" whenever he leaves.

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