Hogan Knows Best Has The Potential To Be The Best Show Of All Time

So the other day I was channel surfing and between having the dry heaves after catching a few seconds of Freddie and flying into a blind rage at catching 4.3 seconds of Extreme Home Makeover I happened to catch Hogan Knows Best.

Basically Hogan Knows Best is a reality TV show that follows around legendary WWF wrestler Hulk Hogan. I watched an episode and it was okay...nothing great but compared to Freddie it's fucking Shakesphere.

I started thinking about how much potential Hogan Knows Best has, namely the potential to be the greatest television show of all freakin time.

I mean we don't want to see Hulk Hogans REAL life we want to see the life that everyone thinks or wants to believe he lives. You turds know what I'm talking about, but for those of you that don't sit back and be awed by my genius.

Picture this it's a sunny Saturday morning and the start of a new episode of Hogan Knows Best. We cut to a shot of the outside of the Hulksters house, all of a sudden his theme music (Real American) starts playing, the garage door starts opening and smoke is billowing out of it, then his music hits high gear and out comes the Hulkster pushing his lawn mower dressed up in his full wrestling gear. I'm talking this boys mowing the lawn wearing the red and yellow. The way I picture it Hulk is wearing his wrestling outfit 100% of the time whether it be mowing the lawn or at a fancy dinner with his wife for their wedding anniversary.

Maybe Hulk takes a break from mowing the lawn to chat with his next door neighbor The Ultimate Warrior (also in full wrestling gear). They talk about football, Warriors sweet new pickup truck he just bought at Ted DiBiase's dealership, how Hogan should hopefully get a Slammy Award since he met the 4th Quarter quota of Big Boots, everyday shit like that ya know?

How fucking great would this be? I mean a whole neighborhood populated by WWF wrestlers, all in character, all wearing their outfits, like 100% of the time? Think of the fucking possibilites for storylines/episodes such as:

1. "The Big Neighborhood BBQ Cookoff": Hulksters mad cuz for the past 4 years Macho Man has dominated the neighbor hoods BBQ cookoff with his "Macho Mans Slim Jim Kabobs". Hulks decided he can't take another year of Mean Gene (the judge) awarding Macho Man 1st place and having to watch Macho strut around the culdasac going "Macho Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn wins again, Ohhhhhhhhh Yeah!"

After a year of intensive training he thinks he's ready. They would highlight his training with a 5 minute cooking montage of him training with Wolfgang Puck, Emeril, Bobby Flay and other world famous cooks (all in his Hulkster outfit of course. Maybe he tenderizes his steaks by doing some leg drops on em as well).

It all comes down to a final BBQ showdown between Macho Man and Hulk and judged by Mean Gene. You just KNOW that the episodes gonna end with someone doing a flying elbow off his roof through his competitors BBQ tent.

2. "Whats The Hulkster Gonna Do When His Anniversary Comes Due?": Hulk helps plan a suprise birthday party for Jimmy Heart at a super fancy restaurant, but he also forgets his anniversary with his wife is on the same day and he has a table at the same restaurant. So he has to run back and forth between Jimmy Hearts B-Day party and his table with his wife. Of course he has to keep changing from his normal wrestling outfit (that he wears at Jimmy Hearts party) and a super fancy Orange and Yellow tux with the sleeves ripped off for his wifes birthday. Hilarity ensues when Hulkster runs back to his wifes table with the tux jacket on but his normal wrestling tights and boots on.

Yeah its a generic plot that has been recycled on like 4,910 sitcoms but don't tell me this version wouldn't kick ass.

3. "PTA Showdown": The Iron Sheik is PTA President at Hulksters kids school and he is of course ruling it with an iron fist. The Sheik hits the fan when the Iron Sheik cuts down the American Flag at the Four Square Courts and wipes his mouth with it. Hulk decides to run for President, but since this is MY version of Hogan Knows Best there isn't a simple election. Nope in my version of the show Hulk has to wrestle the Iron Sheik in a Steel Cage match in the school auditorium for control of the PTA. Hulk initially runs into a problem when Tiger Ali Singh does a run in but luckily Sgt Slaughter (who is the PTA Sgt At Arms naturally) decides to help out. He and Hulk team up giving Hulkster the win and the PTA Presidency. The show ends with a shot of Hulk waving the American Flag and screaming about taking your vitamins and saying your prayers.

4. "Gobbledy Gooker, We Hardly Knew Ye": The Gobbledy Gooker, who used to be a mascot for the local Chevy Dealership owned by Ted DiBiase, gets fired from his job for getting drunk and groping local cheerleaders doing a photo shoot at the store with the Gooker. This starts a downward spiral for the Gooker who loses his wife, kids, and everything and eventually ends up strung out on crystal meth. After doing a batch of bad meth the Gooker believes that the band GWAR is made of real life space aliens devoted to destroying all life. Gooker decides he wants to join GWAR and thinks if goes on a killing spree he will get them to ask him to join.

The Gooker runs off into the woods emerging every now and then to grab and kill random animals, small children, and the elderly. After a few weeks of this Hogan, Macho Man, and Stone Cold all decide it's up to them to take down the Gooker. They load up on guns, ammo, and beer and tear off into the woods. After a huge firefight they finally take down the Gooker and burn him at the stake.



Don't tell me that this wouldn't be the greatest TV show of all time. I mean this would probably have an average of 28.9 Million viewers a week. Whoever is in charge of TV needs to fire the dills that created Freddie and hire me. Fuck I'm a genius.

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